Kim Kardashian Named Hottest Woman in the World By Zoo Magazine

Get out the 40's, Jeri Curl Juice and Swisher Sweets because Zoo Magazine is interested in cows.

The honor of "hottest woman" was bestowed on the reality star by the magazine's readers. The 31-year-old, who is currently in London to launch her latest fragrance, appears on the cover of the magazine in nothing more than cheap looking red satin lingerie. She isn't even the hottest porn star in the world even though I haven't seen a whole lot of porn, I have seen enough to know that she isn't the hottest in the world. This caption should read: "Kim Kardashian named Sexiest Woman in the World By Zoo Animals." 


Did they bribe the chimps with a few day old bananas in the zoo to pull this achivement off? Did they survey livestock, since this is Zoo Magazine. With so many beautiful, talented, sexy women in the world  and they came up with this one...words fail me. No, they don't...So here's the ugly truth. Certain women and men of the media love her for reasons they, I and some others know. This is why she is forced down our throats everyday. Her plastic surgeon has done her: eyes, cheeks, lips, breasts, stomach, hips and butt and they know it. However, it doesn't matter because.... see the second sentence of this paragraph.

 As long as they can Photoshop her pics or hide the ones that show she is obviously fake and lie, lie, lie about her, they think it's OK. How someone with a deformed, unnatural butt can be declared hot, is just amazing.

Everytime I see her picture, I wince. Did they look at a solar eclipse too long, then looked at Kim and said, "Oh yeah, she's the hottest and she's the one for the cover." Zoo needs to send out this rag by the case to everyone so they can line their bird cages, hampster cages, and other animal training spot to soak up all the animal droppings because that is the equivalent of Kim Kardashian. Great going Zoo, you just lost all credibility before anyone knew who you were with this one, so please keep me off the mailing list. 

Heifer Cat

A zoo is where she should be locked up with the other primates, even though, that's unfair to the other primates, and she would probably have a fake wedding and marriage to get more ratings for that pose fest she calls a show. 

I guess all the legions of men that have had the misfortune of being with Kim are all guilty of bestiality. Looks like the Bible thumpers were right after all. 

What Have I Done? I Had Sex With  A Pig?!

Maybe Kim can win National Geographic's Hottest Woman of the Year Next Time.

Brangelina Finally Get's Engaged, Let Me Wet the Bed

African Babies Rejoice!

Nothing to Grab

After years of co-habitation, playing house, and literally "being fruitful and multiplying" both with kids and ludicrous movies, the Hollywood power couple has decided to inconvenience me by getting engaged. Now, we have to have another insufferable multi-million dollar, over blown, bloated, media frenzied affair that will undoubtedly end in divorce. I mean for 7 whole years, I have been pent up waiting for this announcement. I frantically clipped magazine articles for any hint of an engagement, and all I got was another baby. Yeah, the sooner they get married, sorry, the sooner they have the wedding, then the sooner the media can talk about the strain in the marriage. Oh joy!

Knocked Up and Single, How Dainty

The couples 6 kids have been begging them to do the decent thing and get married. So the kids have a moral compass but the parents don't. Brad is almost 50, I mean go ahead and get married for God's sake. Why do we need grand spectacles? You already had the fairy tale wedding with your first boring wife and you have been impregnating this chick for 7 years, I think a trip to the courthouse will do it. Didn't they say that they wouldn't marry until everyone had the right to get married? Or did they think that the weight of both of their fame would somehow fix wars, hunger, marriage inequality, racial disparity, and disease...That's right, they adopted an African baby, so that sort of evens everything out in the wash, I guess.

So let's get the popcorn ready, because we will have to know the play by play of how boring Jen feels, Angelina's dress, who will design it? How many will she have? Who will make the cake? Who will be invited to the wedding? Will *gasp* Jennifer Anniston be given an invite? Will Angelina's father walk her down the aisle? Will the kids be in the wedding? Where will they live? Where will....blah, blah, blah...

Do I Look Like an Assassin? I have my Assassin  Outfit on...

WHO GIVES A RAT'S BEHIND?! I DON'T CARE ABOUT THESE PEOPLE. THEY HAVE BEEN LIVING TOGETHER FOR 6 OR 7 YEARS, A FAIRY TALE THIS AIN'T. What's more important is why do they keep casting Angelina in roles where she holds guns that are bigger than her, while jumping out of windows kills people with her bare hands? Of course her makeup is perfect. Why is she always a spy, a secret agent, an assassin or something that is not rooted anywhere in reality.

Sexy Bones

Hollywood is crazy, an assassin has to weigh more than 80lbs or can't be killed by a strong gust of wind. She should play Catwoman, but she always plays some variation of herself. She isn't that great of an actress. When was the last great Angelina Jolie movie that didn't heavily rely on explosives to tell the story? Gia, the story where she played a bi-sexual model that died of aids. Everything else has been trash. If I could kill or execute her for a role and I mean medieval style, it would be her half Russian/ Snake handling character in Alexander. She was supposed to be his mother but she never aged. It's like she stayed 30 the entire movie, or maybe I felt my life slowdown from the horribleness that was being displayed on camera from every character. The horse that Alexander rode was the only character that remained unscathed. Then there was Wanted. The movie that should come with the disclaimer. Warning: the laws of physics, gravity and common sense do not apply,but we make rats blow up with peanut butter. So that's a win right?

Suspending your disbelief? But I'm making my "Angelina face"

Let's not even talk about Brad...his best was Interview With the Vampire and mostly because of the passage of time and how gay the Twilight Saga is which makes Interview seem like a masterpiece in comparison.

This is Why Brad Left You for Me

I wish them luck, and longer than the 72 day publicity stunt of big booty hoe Kim K, but to me a box of cornflakes is a box of cornflakes.

If anyone believes that they will be married longer than they have been shacking, please raise your hands...yours down too? 

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, Two Douches Made in Douche Heaven

Do I Look Smart?

Serial bride, fame whore, Queen of Jumpoffs and star of my big fat Armenian fake wedding, has taken out her little black book and gone back to the letter "K" and this time picked up with the King of A holes none other than Kanye West. Of course he is no stranger to jumpoff's since he almost wifed up Amber the model that never models, Rose. Kanye released a song called "Theraflu" in which he confesses to having feelings for the 31-year-old reality star, bed warmer. The song should be called "penicillin" or "AZT". A song called "Theraflu" and it's about Kim, she must make a whole helluva lot of people sick. In this so called song, he confesses that he fell in love with this no talent tramp when she got with the idiot Kris, and that somehow if he wanted to, he could've got he fellow bestie in generic rap Jay-Z to drop him from the New Jersey Nets. Just because Jay- Z is a part owner doesn't mean that he has anything to do with the team, coaching, personnel or anything of that nature. All Jay-Z does is sit in the front row with a black ball cap, chewing gum like a horse and  talking to Beyowulf in a nappy blond weave.

Here are the lyrics to "penicillin":


"And I admit I fell in love with Kim ... 'Round the same time she fell in love with him ... That's cool, baby girl, do your thing ... Lucky I ain't had Jay drop him from the team."

Bitten By A Vampire, Maybe I can play in Twilight

Kimmy has been spotted leaving Kanye's spot in the same clothes that she wore the night before sporting the ultimate trash accessory...A HICKEY. Let me state that this slut is still married legally. How high school is that? Kanye is 34 and Kim is 31 and we are letting people put hickey's on like it's a badge of honor. If there was any doubt, we got our skank confirmation. Congratulations Kim, you have come full circle to what started your career, sucking a black penis...you are a truly an inspiration to young women everywhere, but that's right, you are just a businesswoman. That's what they call hookers too. I can imagine that her throat is the last tight hole that she has left on her body and that appears to not be enough to keep men around long enough.

These are the two master experts at self promotion throwing a hail Mary pass at staying socially relevant. Neither of them contributes anything meaningful to pop culture these days, I mean other than Kanye wearing girls pants, and the looming prospect of not having media hanging on their every move is unbearable to either of them. Kim gushed that she loves the song, but what doesn't she love when it's all about her?

Empty Headed Hoe

The song is about slime filled with bacteria that oozes from every crevice that eventually rots flesh which later needs plastic surgery. It's called "KK - are you OK-K with your Vajayjay?" Kanye proves once again that he will only bang empty blank slates with a big behind. No substance, no intelligence, no class. You are who you hang out with.

If I had a million dollars, botox, and a box of butt padding, I would guess Kanye will show up on Keeping Up With the Kartrashians to help with ratings and to help make Kim look less like a selfish prima donna that we all know she is. Who is a bigger diva than Kanye? He should remix "It's raining men", but it would have different meanings for Kim and Kanye. Ye seems very homosexual, I mean women clothes...he needs to claim that he bangs bad chicks, even though we have no proof of this. This is publicity plain and simple. 

I Got That Homo Swag

Didn't know Kim could play a beard. 

Kim Kardashian Konflicted With Divorce?

Yeah and a Kardashian is a country in Africa or not the property of E entertainment. Serial Run a Way Reality TV bride and chump of the month had a tearful reunion with a "final attempt to save their crumbling marriage". Was their any attempt? Besides, it seems blatantly hypocritic­al for her to 'save' her 'marriage' when she's the one who filed for divorce in the first place.  She is just trying to save the newest cast member of the show who happens to be less annoying than the abusive prick that no one likes and is more attractive than the black guy. Maybe Kris with a K got the balls and told her to come to Minnesota and get your schitt before he throws it out on the lawn.

Simpin Aint Easy

I would bet the cost of a butt x ray that Kim and the simp's "reconciliation" has nothing to do with love, but everything to do with the decision by the NBA on whether any more games get suspended. If games get played, Kim is back on the stick, if there is still a lockout, then the marriage will be unfixable and still will be the obvious sham to the entire world and throws a giant middle finger to the people who feel the need to "defend the sanctity of marriage". Kris with a K, how can you hold your head up in the locker room when you do go back to work? Dude, you not only married a whore, but you married someone that punked you in front of the world. This could and should turn a person gay. Kim looks like a drag queen anyway so you wouldn't be that far off.

Katy Perry and Russel Brand's so called marriage is doing better and Russell is a recovering heroin addict, bulimic, wears tight nut hugger jeans, looks like Charles Manson, and Katy ear rapes with her nonsensical generic music, while dressed as a giant bedazzled cupcake singing off key giving her best in drag queen realness.

Kim spent a day in Minnesota to visit Kris with a K and counselling with get this, the pastor that married them. A whole day pretending to fight for her sham marriage with paparazzi conveiently there to get a photo of it. How fortunate for her! Maybe the temperature dropped to subzero temps and froze some of those endorsements or in that surgically attached whoopee cushion in her brain or in her butt, whichever. Why would she make the trip herself when she has lawyers to "negotiate"? That's right, to be photographed standing on the porch, looking sad in an attempt to get sympathy? I have more sympathy for Osama Bin Laden before one of the Special Forces shot him in the face than I have for this mindless blow up doll. Kim was photographed on the phone and I can guess the conversation she had: "Mom, it's Kim, so I made my token appearance with what's his face. Do you think the fans will buy it and continue to watch the insipid shows and buy the "stuff" we sell?"  

Turning a hoe into a housewife? The Ring didn't mean a thing!

The only reason we know who this floozy is, is because of a sex tape. Prostitutes take notes, this is how to make money off of your body. How much will they pay for a so called sham reconciliation for a sham marriage? My guess was the topic of the "top secret" conference was the 20.5 carat ring, in addition to the how to play out the sham marriage in the press. This makes the Yalta, G-8, G-20 or UN conferences seem like wastes when there are stories like this, that haven't been told.

And in other news, I took out the garbage this morning and will be going to the grocery store after work. Hey, why is their life more interestin­g than mine?


Get your Sh%t off my yard!

Answer: I took out my trash, Kris with a K's trash followed him home.

Kim Kardashian Divorcing After 72 Day Publicity Stunt

Wipe Me Down!

I guess we could call this "My Big Fat Flimsy Armenian Wedding". Christian conservatives who think gays ruin the sanctity of marriage may want to check madame hot pants and her big neanderthal soon to be ex hubby and the whopping 3 months of wedded bliss or shall we call it "narcissistic publicity stunt",  before throwing in the towel for "irreconcilable differences." I mean a TV wedding sold to People magazine didn't last? This divorce stems from a disagreement from where they want to settle and live. Are you kidding me? This was a giant ponzi scheme, the Kartrashians profiteering from the misery of others. Mainly inflicting it on the nation by mindless headline after headline. "Kim Shows off her curves", "Kim is shy and has no friends", "Kim goes crazy with Khloe in Vegas", and "Kim Kardashian cries". Just headline after headline of nothing. Just vapid attempts of the Kardashians to prove that they are normal people and not complete morons, but they prove the opposite every time they talk. Like the episode Kim and her sisters were talking about getting
 their vagina's waxed by using mayonnaise and it was so effective that one could see their reflection in their own vagina. But the fairy tale ends? My heart bleeds...

"After careful consideration, I have decided to end my marriage," she said. "I hope everyone understands this was not an easy decision. I had hoped this marriage was forever, but sometimes things don't work out as planned. We remain friends and wish each other the best."

Yeah Kim, careful consideration and $10 Million dollars, and a 20.5 carat ring that's totally undeserved, mindless interviews of you talking about how your stupid husband doesn't know what he got into, how neat you are, and happy you are. How long was the careful consideration? As long as it takes to cash a check? An example of more work done on the wedding than the marriage. The marriage was the unfortunate end result of the wedding, just for all of those people who think the wedding, reception, and honeymoon is all there is to a marriage.

Please...Kimmy, Kimmy, Kimmy...a prerequisite for marriage isn't the first letter of your potential spouses name beginning with a "K" and being able to whore out the event to the highest bidder. In a few years Kris can tell people that he was drunk.

Jokes On You!

Kris with a K, run, a chance like this won't come every day, so take it. Look at her, closely! She is a talentless twit with sooo much makeup you don't even notice what a plain Jane this nothing is. Run for the hills while you have a chance.  Furthermore you should've known you were the wrong color and probably just a pawn to get Reggie Bush back. Remember his family thought she was too slutty to wife up. Guess we can quietly remove our framed copy of our Kardashian wedding issue People Magazine, which should've came with a complimentary air sickness bag. What do we expect from a girl who "rode" her way into fame on the sticky side of a   s e x tape?  Now what the heck am I going to do with the belated wedding gift I was going to send the lucky couple, a  K EMBROIDERED SNUGGIE! Well I guess I'll have to keep it for myself as an early Christmas gift. Thanks Kim. We all know she wasn't putting out the way She did in the sex tape...

Kim is a pig in a dress and her mom is her pimp, Kris with a K should be thankful. These two bring a whole new meaning to the word "stupid." How selfish and immature can you possibly be? Family and friends spent who knows how much money on that over the top side show you called a wedding then you divorce less than 3 months later??

I'm Wearing White?! No Really, I am!

Even if I hated who I married I would'nt have the nerve to divorce so soon after all the money and time people took to show up to my wedding. Wow...I seriously wish the Kardashian­s would just go away. People don't even watch you because they like you, people watch because they cant believe how moronic your family is. Same reason people watch Jersey Shore.  

You know what, I now believe that this woman actually IS a remarkable talent. She conned millions of people into watching her personal side show act, got the media to pay her millions of dollars for access to pictures, and duped hundreds of celebrities into spending tens of thousands of dollars on gifts. This is one smart woman, or at least her bootay; before now, I didn't give her enough credit. The basketball player probably never saw this coming. I did.

I hope the "Do Nothing Congress" declares a National Day of Mourning for the ending of the 72 day Marriage and her so called difficult time. I've had tubes of lipstick longer than this fly by night marriage.

Now we have to deal with insufferable headlines of "Kim going to the Gym" and "Kim Dating" or "Kris Coping After Kim", who is getting what even though the ink hasn't dried on the prenup yet, and whatever other crap can be dreamed up.

Megalomania is cute in hip/pop songs, but in real life it's pretty pathetic.

72 DAY Publicity Stunt! Trick or Treat BITCHES!

I hope her sponsors feel they got their money's worth. Her veil and train should've had a banner that said "BROUGHT TO YOU BY, or NEXT BLACK POLE, APPLY HERE."