Brangelina Finally Get's Engaged, Let Me Wet the Bed

African Babies Rejoice!

Nothing to Grab

After years of co-habitation, playing house, and literally "being fruitful and multiplying" both with kids and ludicrous movies, the Hollywood power couple has decided to inconvenience me by getting engaged. Now, we have to have another insufferable multi-million dollar, over blown, bloated, media frenzied affair that will undoubtedly end in divorce. I mean for 7 whole years, I have been pent up waiting for this announcement. I frantically clipped magazine articles for any hint of an engagement, and all I got was another baby. Yeah, the sooner they get married, sorry, the sooner they have the wedding, then the sooner the media can talk about the strain in the marriage. Oh joy!

Knocked Up and Single, How Dainty

The couples 6 kids have been begging them to do the decent thing and get married. So the kids have a moral compass but the parents don't. Brad is almost 50, I mean go ahead and get married for God's sake. Why do we need grand spectacles? You already had the fairy tale wedding with your first boring wife and you have been impregnating this chick for 7 years, I think a trip to the courthouse will do it. Didn't they say that they wouldn't marry until everyone had the right to get married? Or did they think that the weight of both of their fame would somehow fix wars, hunger, marriage inequality, racial disparity, and disease...That's right, they adopted an African baby, so that sort of evens everything out in the wash, I guess.

So let's get the popcorn ready, because we will have to know the play by play of how boring Jen feels, Angelina's dress, who will design it? How many will she have? Who will make the cake? Who will be invited to the wedding? Will *gasp* Jennifer Anniston be given an invite? Will Angelina's father walk her down the aisle? Will the kids be in the wedding? Where will they live? Where will....blah, blah, blah...

Do I Look Like an Assassin? I have my Assassin  Outfit on...

WHO GIVES A RAT'S BEHIND?! I DON'T CARE ABOUT THESE PEOPLE. THEY HAVE BEEN LIVING TOGETHER FOR 6 OR 7 YEARS, A FAIRY TALE THIS AIN'T. What's more important is why do they keep casting Angelina in roles where she holds guns that are bigger than her, while jumping out of windows kills people with her bare hands? Of course her makeup is perfect. Why is she always a spy, a secret agent, an assassin or something that is not rooted anywhere in reality.

Sexy Bones

Hollywood is crazy, an assassin has to weigh more than 80lbs or can't be killed by a strong gust of wind. She should play Catwoman, but she always plays some variation of herself. She isn't that great of an actress. When was the last great Angelina Jolie movie that didn't heavily rely on explosives to tell the story? Gia, the story where she played a bi-sexual model that died of aids. Everything else has been trash. If I could kill or execute her for a role and I mean medieval style, it would be her half Russian/ Snake handling character in Alexander. She was supposed to be his mother but she never aged. It's like she stayed 30 the entire movie, or maybe I felt my life slowdown from the horribleness that was being displayed on camera from every character. The horse that Alexander rode was the only character that remained unscathed. Then there was Wanted. The movie that should come with the disclaimer. Warning: the laws of physics, gravity and common sense do not apply,but we make rats blow up with peanut butter. So that's a win right?

Suspending your disbelief? But I'm making my "Angelina face"

Let's not even talk about Brad...his best was Interview With the Vampire and mostly because of the passage of time and how gay the Twilight Saga is which makes Interview seem like a masterpiece in comparison.

This is Why Brad Left You for Me

I wish them luck, and longer than the 72 day publicity stunt of big booty hoe Kim K, but to me a box of cornflakes is a box of cornflakes.

If anyone believes that they will be married longer than they have been shacking, please raise your hands...yours down too? 

Octomom Receives Death Threats...From The Wonderful World of Disney

Cry for the breeding cartoon character...

Michael Jackson Resurrected

Now, let me preface this so called story, I believe that this is a lie and from the imagination of this moron just to keep her name in the media for attention. Unless I see handwriting samples, DNA, Jesus, Mohammad, Buddha, Krishna and a few angels take the stand the in her defense, I won't believe a word that comes out of that surgically warped mouth.

Worst Mother of The Year Photo

   According to the worst mother alive, Nadya Suleman, she was awakened to a smashed car window with an attached note, "Leave California or you will die." She is so afraid for the lives of herself and her children but she can't afford the security that she needs. "I'm terrified," Nadya of course tells a reporter. Funny that she can always muster the strength to talk to the media... She goes on to say, "When I heard the strange noises outside the house, I went back to sleep and brushed them off. But around 9:00 a.m., my neighbors told me my car window had been broken and a handwritten note left behind. I burst into tears. This is not the first time this has happened. I haven't slept for days. I'm like a neighborhood watch in my own neighborhood." What criminal leaves a handwritten death threat? I know who, Nadya Suleman. 

Trying Hard To Be Sexy and Missing The Mark

 This piece of stool postulated that this imaginary death threat may be the result of her decision to go on welfare. Really?! Who would know if she hadn't broad casted her so called plight to the world. How is her situation different than the whores on Maury? She made a foolish decision with long term consequences. She somehow paid for busted plastic surgery to look like a failed version of Angelina Jolie with disguises, wigs and bad striped t-shirts. She didn't show the police the big bad death threat, but she showed the media and of course TMZ, I smell roses, i.e. b.s. Why should anyone want to waste any time trying to harm her? 

Angelina? Not on My Best Day!

"I hope to be off welfare in a few months. I will do whatever I have to for my kids," Nadya says. "It doesn't make sense for me to get a job now, as every penny I earn will go to childcare. But now I have the extra worry of safety. I can't afford to hire security and I have no one but myself to look after my kids. I'm very, very frightened." How does that make sense? Getting a job doesn't make sense, therefore I will go on welfare so the government and taxpayers will pay for them? Yet, I will do whatever I have to for my kids, that is everything except work, because that is economically unfeasible because I have to hire security and the only way I can pay them is with the left over ovaries that I have in my uterus. Maybe I can pay them with wishful thinking or maybe Brad Pitt will be confused and think that I am really Angelina Jolie, Joker or Batman and some singing mice will come out of my butt.

Why hasn't CPS removed these kids? They come in when a kid makes too many 911 calls, but when there is more than enough evidence of gross negligence and a deranged, fame whoring mother blatantly profiteering from their kids worse than J.Lo, Beyowulf and any other celeb she wolf parent yet here, nothing happens. 

Call the porn producer, get it over with. Plus, she get's SSI on some of these kids because some are disabled, so she is already pimping the system, now she wants more. 

Bozo The Clown

Someone tell her she has a Vag and not a clown car.

Jennifer Anniston- America's Still Bored

She is such a sad sad case.



I'm Sexy, Really I am!



Can we move on from Brad dumping Jennifer Anniston? No, we can't. The most interesting thing in this woman's life is her marriage to Brad Pitt and years later and with every movie release she tries to resurrect this dead corpse of a headline just like her career. Mariah's song "Obsessed" was about Brad and Jennifer, and it's from Brad's perspective. Every time this loser gets on T.V. she practically passes out Kleenex and asks for free therapy from whoever is crazy enough to interview her. Who wants to watch Jennifer Anniston wear variations on the colors of black and white, her hair is basically a grown out "Rachel", and she plays scripted less dull versions of herself (if that's possible) while people attempt to try to remember why she got famous and why our parents were so lazy as to not drop us off in front of a camera and just let us say random non funny things and we get paid millions of dollars and get named "one of the best actresses in Hollywood". If she's the best, then good lord what does it take to be the worst? Her best dramatic role was in "Along Came Polly", but again, she only plays the same mind numbingly dull person, which is herself in every movie. Now you can see why Brad got on Angelina as quick as he could, he was bored stupid...Angelina is a freak and we all know it. Can you imagine the movie that was Brad and Maniston's sex tape? "It's a Horrible Life." Anyone that wears a vial of Hill Billy Bob Thornton's blood around her neck and tells people about it like that's something normal people do, like eating oatmeal every morning...well you can imagine what type of tricks she knows in the boudoir. Flying midgets, red flashing lights, disco balls, and lips that only black men know about and white women have just discovered they need to pay for.... Brad just up and left Jennifer Anniston after years of being Dumb and Dumber with matching highlights to getting a freak that's got to have it. He traded up for adopting the entire continent of Africa but he is having the time of his life making all of those babies with the skank that cleaned up to become a sex symbol rather than drinking milk shakes and having pillow fights with someone who can't act her way out of a paper bag.

She truly found her four leaf clover in "Friends" considering the show was as drab as she is, now it's like every interview or magazine cover it's a desperate attempt at showing us she isn't pathetic and that she's sexy. Sorry Maniston, you aren't sexy, talented or interesting. Neither is Jolie anymore, she's starting to age, plays ridiculously butch characters for someone that weighs a buck 05 soaking wet, and anyone who believes it's possible to curve a bullet, that it can pass through brain matter in a circular plane, continue on that plane without losing speed without the law of gravity having any effect on it should be institutionalized or they belong in the tea party. Maniston is even duller than Gwyneth Paltrow and less talented, if that's even possible. I think Shallow Hal or Shakespeare in Love were her best in her resume and that's not saying a lot. Again, why didn't my parents take me to Hollywood when I was a child? I can stare blankly at a camera and say " I love Jacob or Edward, why doesn't he love me, and all I want is to be a sparkly gay vampire." over and over or get breast implants, weave and run in slow motion while non descript CGI robots fight in the background. I can wear a bedazzled bathing suit, dye my hair crazy colors, hump a mic stand and repeat the same line over and over which today is called a song, call myself a diva and win grammy's. These are things that I can do...but no...I chose the education route and enjoy the fact that I know that Neil Armstrong walked on the moon or that Paul Revere warned the Americans and not the British with bells and whistles while riding a horse, eventhough our elected leaders seem to have ignored willfully or never learned these annoying facts of American history and reality. Sadly, I'm broke, single, jobless (I didn't dumped for a freak), these American idiots are rich and this lame-o who should only be allowed to couch serf stars in flop after flop in yawn worthy romantic non comedies playing a smarter more charming, tanorexic version of Sarah Palin.

I think her post divorce movie "The Breakup", was her attempt to exorcise her relationship with Brad with a more funny , pudgier yet less attractive leading man Vince Vaughn. No matter who you get, unless it's David Beckham, you are only going down. Posh will draw blood over Becks and I don't blame her. I would take heifer's out over David Beckham, no matter how many nannies he's rumored to be cheating with, we can work it out. Jennifer is trying to be Meg Ryan minus the range, aka the big sweaters, fluffy hair, nose scrunchy thing. Let's not even talk about vomit stain, homophobe racist with a "nigger pass" John Mayer who got outed by King of blogger trash/ Lady Gaga's personal nut sucker Perez Hilton.

p.s. John, Eminem doesn't even have this so called pass, just because you appeared on the Chappelle show and are friends with some over the hill rappers, doesn't qualify you or will ever give you this fictional pass. I don't know who has this pass or who can dispense it. If any white man deserves it, it will be Maury Povich over you. You don't even sleep with black chicks, what fumes are you sniffing? Being friends with Snoop doesn't give you a "hood pass" since he hasn't put out a decent rap album since "Doggystyle", THAT WAS HIS FIRST ALBUM! Snoop want's to be Bishop Don Juan and a professional roaster on comedy central. How much do you want to bet that he will be at Charlie Sheen's roast with that stupid pimp cup of his high as a kite and still unfunny. I hate Snoop with all my heart and soul. I digress...

 The biggest joke that Jennifer tells is how she wants to turn the page from the Brad and Angelina thing even though she talks about it every interview, just like our favorite talentless hooker/ Red headed goat does about Chris "beat her down" Brown. That's comedic gold Maniston! Seriously...that's funnier than any of your movies. How can you move on, if you continue to talk about the incident continuously? Enough is enough. Angelina and those lips won, you lost. You are a loser, the world knows. You are a loser in men, the box office, fashion, you have no personality, and you use every interview as a therapy session. It's a shame that Oprah is off the air, but Mufasa Tyra will take her place, hell the chickens on the view will be happy to therapize you, granted nothing they say makes a bit of sense and Elizabeth Hasselbeck has the i.q. of a tube of lip gloss.

Maniston: If you want to turn the page, stop talking about Brad, he's being fruitful and multiplying with great bliss and SHE AIN'T YOU. Your personal life, if you can say you had one, has been non existent for how many years? Stop turning the page backwards!

 You reek of desperation in addition to non talent.