Amber Rose, The Model, The Jump Off, The Con Artist

Just when the sucking sounds that is the music industry couldn't get any louder, we get this...

Niggas in  Paris

Rihanna the half human half goat model has convinced the world that she is a singer, well her team of producers, sound engineers, photographers and stylists anyway. Amber Rose the stripper, jumpoff, model, musical bully victim, can add singer to the list, or not. Amber can NOT trick us, the listening public into believing that she is a singer no matter how many rapper penis' she swallows.

This crotch monkey has actually released a serious effort called FAME with a verse from her living scarecrow fiance' or husband (who knows or who really cares), rap flavor of the month Wiz Khalifa. She admitted that she was worried that she would suck and didn't want him to hear her work. "I brought my music to Wiz and he was like, you could really do this. I asked him and I was like if I sucked, don't tell me I'm good because you love me."

Did the Check Clear?

"He's like, 'If you sucked I'd tell you babe just be my wife, you're good I love you.' I went to the studio and I have like 8 songs done now. I'm really proud of myself," she added. She is 28 years old and she says "like" like how many times? I think she should've invested more time in school and less time in hot pants and penis. It's wonderful that someone that has no discernible talent other than walking and having sex has such a high sense of entitlement.

If the thought of her auto tuned voice that's devoid of all emotion doesn't frighten you, then imagine the fresh hell of her rapping. Yes, she thinks she spits hot fire, other than the bodily fluids she has sucked to climb up the ladder to success. She also names her hip hop wish list: "Yeah. I definitely rap and I sing and my music is fun," she explained in an interview. "It's all dance music. I have an inspirational song that's really dope. I have some records that are just plain fun, like you just want to party, jump around and go crazy to. ... I would really, really love to do a song with Pitbull and LMFAO. They're probably like my two favorites. I've always loved Timbaland as well." A fun dance inspirational song...She must mean that you have to be on dope to find any of her music fun, interesting or inspirational. When I think of inspirational songs, "Greatest Love of All" comes to mind. When is the last time you heard that at the club? When did "Party with no hands" or "Come here rude boy boy boy, is you big enough", make you pause and wonder what is the meaning of life or inspire you to do something? What about any of that is profound?

"Oh yeah man, I'm in the studio every single night, "Like, I do not sleep. [laughs] I'm really, really, grinding. I'm really in the studio. The music that I make is fun, it's dance music, it's club, just super fun music that gets you in a great mood and makes you happy. So I'm all about music "and this is my time to really, really come out and hopefully make people happy when they listen to it. I wasn't happy, I didn't dance and I didn't have fun, so you failed, miserably. The exact opposite happened. The music was quite generic, vanilla, emotionless, soulless, and stupid. It sounded like something Ke$ha, Rihanna, Katy Perry or any other house wife from real housewife's with a lap top, mac pro tools and literally five minutes to rhyme go with go, take a trip to the local hooker shop to buy the best in slut couture for their YouTube video debut and vomit out the same line with no imagination or creativity.

Her second assault on the ear drums is called "Loaded", and it's a load of crap. Getting a baby's loaded diaper and taking a big whiff, vomiting and then eating it is better than this song. The typical technique in pop music is to drown out weak vocals with club banging techno and auto tune all emotion out of a very weak voice. (Rihanna, Katy Perry, Paris, Lindsanity, Kim K the Armemian booty queen, Ciara, pretty much every one), The sound engineers followed the same formula here and used the same vapid lyrics that are in every generic, pop, rap song you would hear on the radio. "I'm fine, I got money, name drop some designer brands, luxury latch on a car, don't hate me because I'm better than you and if you do then you are a hater." Let the magic touch you and see if you need to borrow Amber's gag reflex:

"Hell yeah I like the finer things/ silk sheets and diamond rings,"
"You think I need a man for that? - Please ... I'm loaded!" 

What would you do for a Blondyke Bar?

Yes Amber, I know you need a man for that. Maybe Amber is really stupid or playing stupid, really unsure here, but she might be unaware that the record industry is COMPLETELY controlled by men. Even if she wasn't screwing rappers, tweeting nude photos of herself and playing consummate victim as a full time career she would still have to depend on men. They head all the music labels, the majors: Def Jam, Universal, Arista, Capitol, Bad Boy (the career ending black hole), Death Row, LaFace, Roc Nation, Aftermath, etc... they are headed by men. She would have no chance without a man, so who does she think will sign the checks to pay for her diamonds and all the things that keep her ass so fine. I can't believe I'm about to say this...Amber makes Kanye more likeable by comparison. Every interview that she gives is always "poor me, this fame, this life was handed to me and I am having to deal with this grave difficulty," yet, we revel in the fame, of being a jumpoff and bed warmer who used her vagina to try and get to the top. Everyone knows that Amber has the jaw line  of the best linebacker in the NFL. What is ironic about Amber's "music" is that this so called music is just as soulless as Kim Kardashian's, the exact same talentless homewrecking ass clown she over hyped as stealing Kanye from her from jump street. Of course that was probably to promote this auto tuned version of ear rape that if you listen hard enough you can smell the swisher sweets, Jeri curl juice and Hennesy in the air. Since her craptastic music hasn't gone anywhere on the charts, Amber and her Armenian big booty mindless serial bride have called a truce and the dueling booties came to a peaceful close. At least there is no story line on Kourtney and Khloe takes on whatever black penis they find lying around the house.

Amber is the biggest hypocrite and every tear that she cries about being bullied, a demon gets its wings. Back when she was riding the Yeezy train she stated, “Honestly, Kanye saved my life, and I don’t even think about what I would have been; I just think about what I’m gonna be.”
We all know what you are Amber...a whore who tried to wife Kanye up and get at his money. You tried to take advantage of him when his mother died and live the high life sipping the finest champagne, flying in private jets, shopping, eating in the finest restaurants, hanging with other celebrities and jumpoffs...Even boasting that Rihanna is a bestie, dumb and dumber the sequel...shoot for the stars...tell her to stop stalking Chris Brown and advise her that she needs a good scrubbing, but then again so do you.

Fast forward to a few months ago in an interview where she gives her millioneth woe is me, Kanye is bullying me through song interview,  "I don't care when people say that I owe him my life because I'm famous now. I don't owe him nothing." The entire planet begs to differ... What's next? Reality tv? oh yeah...we did that...guest appearances on Rupauls Drag Race, and judging a DJ competition on VH1 that no one watched or knew about. The next step is designing clothes just like all the other fake models/ singers/ actresses. I forgot to mention this "blondyke" will be in a straight to DVD movie called Gang of Roses 2 ( didn't know there was a Gang of Roses I) where she will participate in a graphic sex scene with another chick, you know to play up her bi sexuality, that AGAIN no one cares about. 

Today we should take a moment of silence because a stripper that became a model who then became a jumpoff had her ego bruised by a narcissistic rapper. Where is my compassion, where are my feelings? It's hard to hold on to 15 minutes of fame when Kanye moved on to his next adventure. 

What can we expect from the Susan Powter of Jump Off's. STOP THE INSANITY!

15 Most Disappointing Things in Hop Hop History

There have been lists compiled about the ground zero of hip hop, here is mine. This may land me the head table at the playa hater convention.

                                                    15. Nicki Minaj

Let's get one thing straight...SHE IS NOT A RAPPER. All she does is make ugly faces, swagger jacks Lady Gaga and has convinced herself and the media that she is a real MC. Big boobs, a fictional butt granted by Dr. 90210 and hitting up the Halloween store doesn't make you a "real rapper".  Not only is she a remake of Lil Kim, but she is a cheap remake with no bars. When this little girl can top Lil Mama instead of making annoying voices, noises, and stupid altar egos then and only then can she be acknowledged as a real rapper. Kim Clone Clown and anyone that dresses like her and calls them self a "barbie" looks like a bunch of fools and she still can't rap. I got her CD for free and I feel like I paid too much...

14. First two singles from Detox

Dr. Dre...sigh...it's been over a decade and fans have been waiting desperately for a follow up to Chronic 2001 and all we got were Need a Doctor and Kush. Need a Doctor is basically Eminem giving Dre a hand job with some white girl that should've been Dido but maybe she didn't want to be associated with such a terrible song. Then there was Kush, a commercial monstrosity that sounds like it was a discard from Lady Gaga's album. I mean, I understand the desire to sell computers and headphones, everyone whores themselves out, but seriously, this shouldn't be an actual "single" from a Dre album. What happened? If this is the result of being detoxed, then you need to get back on the weed asap, because you suck. I'm not looking forward to Detox and hopefully this crap won't be released.

                                                  

                                                     13.  Snoop Dog

He has become a "gangsta pop" artist and the Snoop from the Death Row Doggystyle days have long since died. He is auto tuning with people like Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus and Katy Perry. All Snoop wants to do is play a pimp in low budget blackploitation movies and perform on Comedy Central Roasts with a blinged out pimp chalice. He's a talentless hack that only had one good album but because he was cool with Dre he has been able to stay semi-relevant. He sucks so badly that I took a pirated CD back to the bootlegger and asked for a refund, you need to be high to like his crap.

12.  50 Cent After Get Rich or Die Trying

That's exactly what he did. He got rich and stopped trying. He came out and he was like "kill everyone, street sweepers kill grandma, stuff her in the trunk." Then, he makes money, and it's "I'm laughing all the way to the bank, ha ha ha ha ha ha". He has nothing to say at all, and when a rapper has nothing to say, it's time to exit stage left. All 50 is good for is banging Chelsea Handler, ugh,,,, sending homophobic tweets and taking homoerotic photo's with Soulja Boy.

                                                     11.  Def Jam (Current Era)

Thanks to ex-boss L.A. Reid has turned into a place where hip hop      artists go to be shelved and never to be heard from again. Can you remember the last time they released an actual hip hop album? It's all pop all the time, and you can blame Joe Camel for that.

                                                    
                                                     10.  Eminem (Relapse)

You know an album is bad when the artist apologizes to his fans and asks them to ignore the last album. He actually admitted that Relapse sucks, but just because it was Eminem he still won a Grammy. That should tell us about award shows and what a waste of time they are. He hasn't been the Eminem that he was when he first came out because he is off drugs, but when you begin your career making fun of pop artists then you duet with the worst sounding pop artist alive, he has no credibility. He needs to let it go and sit down and stop depending on old glory.

9.  Jay-Z's "Super Ugly" Response to Ether

Nas for some reason and I don't understand rap battles, came out with Ether and for better or worse destroyed "Tae Boe Hoe" Jigga. Our sexy girlfriend couldn't let it go and decided to "respond" with super ugly, which was half "ether" sample and half "super ugly". Interesting to have a song called super ugly when you look like...well a camel. Out of the two, Nas and Jigga, I know who I would go home with, hands down. Just because Jay got "upgraded" by the Lion King, he is still ugly as sin and his raps are corny. (Yeah, I know he is an so called icon due to the fact that he made Reasonable Doubt and one good Blue Print's album. The rest is commercialized crap.)

8.  Biggie's Duets Album

Puffy deserves a special place in hell for this...Someone at Bad Boy decided that fans wanted to hear Biggie and T.I., Jagged Edge, Korn, Slim Thug and other random pop artists. Yeah...Puff had made millions on bastardizing this mans death. Hopefully there was no video of him dancing like a chimp, but knowing our Diddy he is in the video or track somewhere. The album artwork speaks for itself, look at Biggies face. He is looking like he knows that this album is some nonsense and should be avoided at all costs. It's an ominous warning to all.

                                                    

                                                    7.  Tupac's Loyal to the Game (Produced by Eminem)

In 2004 Eminem wrote a letter to Afeni Shakur asking to produce an entire 2pac album, the result? ‘Loyal to the Game’, which was pretty much a G-Unit/Shady records compilation album that featured 2pac. Remember the blasphemous video where Ashanti was bleating and panting under a tree, TI was rapping and Tupac was on the screen? It was all wrong and all bad. How no one called Em out on this is shocking, but he should get his rapper/ producer card snatched for this. That album could've brought Pac back from the dead, it's that terrible.

6.  BET Cancelling Uncut

For all the inappropriate and embarrassing programming BET already showcases, did it really serve a purpose to cancel the most entertaining and outrageous show of all time?Where else could fans watch the legendary “What That Thang Smell Like” and “Tip Drill” videos? It's not that big a deal I guess, if you need some smut, check a Rihanna show, it's like a stripper show, but with pre-recorded goat sounds.

 

5.  Jay-Z's Kingdom Come

In 2006, Jay Z, to the surprise of no-one, abruptly came out of “retirement” and released his comeback album “Kingdom Come”. The album was critically panned and fans were left scratching their heads. Hov didn’t come back like Jordan wearing the “4-5”, he came back like he was Jordan still playing at the age of 45 and still ugly as hell.

4.  Bad Boy Records

If you sign with Bad Boy kiss your music career good buy...Let's have a moment of silence for those we have lost...

Da Band

B5

Cherri Dennis

G-Dep

Mark Curry (Hangin with Mr Cooper?

Shyne

Elephant Man

Cassie

Day 26

Aasim

                                                    Danity Kane

3.  Waka Flocka Flame

Or Waka Flocka LAME, Proof that Jesus died in vain. Oh that rhymed, that must make me a rapper now. Sad part is, that was better than anything he has ever put out. He claims he is the outcast or the stepchild of rap, but apparently doesn't know why. All he has to do is listen to "Flockavelli" and that will answer all his questions. The fact that he named his album Flockavelli is just wrong and yeah, he deserves to be mocked and ridiculed. The best news for the rap game was that he plans on retiring. Good riddance.

                                   
                                                    2.  Soulja Boy

He has to be the worst so called rapper alive and what I call the Osama Bin Laden of rap. He just dances around and shouts random crap while he wears sunglasses with his name in bubble letters with cheap paint that he purchased at an arts and craft store. He has no flow, and thinks that sounding like having an asthma attack is rapping and that it's sexy. He makes flavor flav look talented except Flav was in on the joke, Soulja apparently believes his own hype. This rodeo clown thinks he deserves to be paid for getting a laptop with pro tools and just lazily recording words that he heard from better rappers. He is one of the worst things that has ever happened to rap. Deandre Way was the 9/11 of hip hip.

 

1.  Pitbull

I ranked him higher than Soulja because he actually has a career, right now anyway...This Hispanic fart knocker has taken house music that someone else with talent made, yell unintelligible nonsense over it, put on a tight suit, sun glasses and have an evil Russian henchman beard and there you have this no talent clown. He literally sounds like he has a megaphone yelling on a track. It's like blah blah, yo quiero taco bell.

Def Jam Spent a Million Dollars on a Rihanna song...

I think, scratch that, know they over payed on this crotch monkey's latest piece of pre-recorded pop opus "Man Down". Remember she tried to ignite another non controversy regarding domestic violence tying into her beat down from 2 years ago and it appears no one was interested or was just tired of hearing her goat sounds. She even got Gabrielle Union to interject with her rape confession as well as have BET ban the video. Like BET or MTV has standards or integrity with shows like Teen Pregnancy and Jersey Shore in constant rotation. Here is the story:

The price tag on "Man Down" started running in March 2010, when NPR reports Def Jam held a songwriting camp in Los Angeles where writers and producers gathered to brainstorm ideas for Rihanna's Loud. There, a songwriting team of brothers called Rock City (a.k.a. Timothy and Theron Thomas) hooked up with a producer named Shama "Sham" Joseph, who played them the raw track for "Man Down." They dug it and said, "Let's give Rihanna a one-drop! Like, a response to [Bob Marley's classic] 'I Shot the Sheriff'!" according to their manager, Ray Daniels. Twelve minutes later -- yes, just 12 minutes -- they'd wrapped up the lyrics for the song. Anyone that could put Rihanna and Bob Marley in the same sentence should immediately be hung, disemboweled, tarred and feathered all while listening to umbrella 1,000 times consecutively.

Cost so far: $15,000 to Rock City, $20,000 to Shama Joseph, and an estimated $18,000 for this portion of the writing camp. (It's like the smartest of the people with Down Syndrome). Next came the recording process: NPR's experts say hiring a top-notch vocal producer -- the pro who advises the star how to deliver each line (which means turning the nobs to smooth out the goat effects and make her sound tolerable) -- costs $15,000. Mixing and mastering -- assembling the pieces of the track and adjusting the recording levels -- typically runs another $10,000. Cost so far: $78,000..

Once the song was complete, the most expensive piece of the puzzle began: making sure it got heard. Def Jam made sure that I got annoyed to death by constantly having your goat sounds on constant rotation at every mall in America. The promotional budget for a single covers all aspects of this process -- getting Rihanna press in newspapers, magazines, and on TV; making the video; getting the song on the radio; getting the video on MTV, VH1 and BET; flying Rihanna around the world to sing and glad-hand. That's a lot of airfare, fancy dinners, and photo shoots -- about $1 million worth. Yeah..that's leaking naked photo's and pretending to be outraged, showing off her butt, dressing as trashy as possible, continuously talking about being "chris browned" by Chris Brown, lying about her age, buying her wardrobe, buying her circus clown color hair pieces and wigs, along with moronic interviews where she shows that only bats occupy her cranial cavity.

After all that, "Man Down," which was released as a single in early May, hasn't exactly been a smash success. It debuted at Number 94 on Billboard's Hot 100 and has yet to go gold, according to the RIAA. But rest assured, it will be "reloaded" with her goat essence on her Loud the Remix album and is allowed to terrorize the boys and girls this fall. Remember when you actually had to have talent to make music? When you actually had to be able to write music or lyrics? Now all you need is a mac book and pro tools and anyone can throw it up on the Internet and I mean literally throw it up create a "hit". It should embarrass someone that it took 12 minutes to write this fecal matter, it should've only taken 5min:

Oh, mama, mama, mama


I just shot a man down

In central station

In front of a big old crowd

Oh why, oh why

Oh, mama, mama, mama

I just shot a man down

In central station

Rum pa pa pum


Rum pa pa pum

Rum pa pa pum

Man down

Rum pa pa pum

Rum pa pa pum

Rum pa pa pum

Man down

We could have a dance party with nothing but goat songs by Rihanna, and that dance party would take place in Hades with Lucifer himself as the DJ. Even in the burning pits, in the presence of the dark lord himself, Rihanna will still tell anyone that would listen that she was a diva, edgy and unique and the most laughable lie of all, that she has talent.