Saturday, October 10, 2009

Some Holiday Diet Tips

The candy, the dressing, the yams, ham, turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, casseroles, dumplings, pies and cakes bring about the ruin of a years worth of sensible dieting and workouts within just a few short weeks. Luckily there are 2 groups that you can join to help you maintain that hard body and you won't have to make that new years resolution(that you won't keep anyway) to lose weight or buy a gym membership. I am going to digress a moment here, I am one of the people that you could consider a regular at the gym. Nothing frustrates us more than a bunch of newbies that descend on the gym like a bunch of locusts, takes up all the parking spaces, takes up all the elypticals, all the treadmills, hangs out on all the machines in their brand new under armor or nike workout wearthat they spent too much for. They pose in the mirror in full makeup, texting or actually being on their bluetooth, and they do this until Feb., which hinders the regulars workout routine because we actually want to work out. You can hear us say to each other, "I will be glad when these new year's resolution losers get bored and quit." So, in order to keep the real gym lovers happy, you can join this group called the Breathanarians. A Breatharian is a person who can, under the proper conditions, live with or without eating physical food. I mean, you got to love it! All they rely on is light and air for their nourishment. I have read that several people have and do practice this belief, yet, there have been deaths...starvation and all. As of late, they have been telling their adherents to meditate with 5 magical words while drinking a diet coke and a double quarter pounder with cheese meal. The rationale was really wordy and it had something to do with them trying to transition to a new earth after 2012 or something. It was a whole bunch of New Age mumbo jumbo that truly made not a bit of sense. Not really sure.... One of the funniest things that I did read was that diet coke is good for tooth enamel because they are from another galaxy or something. Now, if getting nourishment from air is too extreme, then you can try this yoga technique called Dahn Yoga. Dahn ("energy" in Korean) is derived from an ancient Korean form of training that aims to maximize the health of body, mind and spirit through a combination of yoga, tai chi and martial arts. Now, I do Yoga and some Pilates, both are challenging and great workouts. But, if you don't weight train you won't get that nice toned look that women like. Free weights intimidate women, I think from middle school pe class, so Dahn Yoga fills that void. The punishing techniques, they say, included forced isolation from friends and families, exercises like bowing 3,000 times all night long without breaks,disciplining members by sticking their heads in the toilet and making them lick other members' feet, and having them hold certain poses, like the push-up position, for 20 to 30 minutes at a time. Dahn practitioners pay fees ranging from $89 to $180 per month(a little pricey). But if you have financial difficulties and have maxed out your cards, you can train to be a Dahn Master, who work for the Dahn centers or affiliated companies. Dahn makes itself available to most people, with a few exceptions: the homeless, Africans, people in small towns and skeptics(those are the one's that need enlightenment, right?). In order to become a master, you have to attend this retreat in Sedona where you carry a backpack full of rocks and do various "team/trust building" exercises, like walking across a log suspended 50ft in the air(that's all), etc...The retreat lasts for about 3 days and if you survive it, you earn the title of Master. You can expect to live in a Dahn center and shipped around every six months in order to avoid attachments. So there you have it, 2 tips to keep your waistline down, and reduce stress for the upcoming holiday season.

No comments: