Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Dennis Rodman owes 800K in Child Support

Talk about dead beat dads or moms, or whatever this is...

Dennis Rodman, probably the most unattractive person that has ever walked the face of the earth, is reportedly, extremely sick and broke and in no position to pay his child support payments. Rodman who famously said, 'As long as I play ball, I can get any woman I want", is behind in his payments and faces a court hearing Tuesday in Orange. He faces up to 20 days in jail for failure to pay spousal and child support, according to an attorney for his ex-wife. Don't I remember a rather tasteless interview he gave no less than six months ago, where he was getting orally pleasured on air? That was charming...

"Fifty percent of life in the N.B.A. is sex. The other fifty percent is money."
As of March 1, Rodman, 51, owed $808,935 in back child support for the 9- and 10-year-old children that he had with his third wife, Michelle Rodman. When will these athletes understand that it's cheaper to keep her? A vagina is a vagina is a vagina. Why run and spread your demon seed all over the western hemisphere to whatever woman can stomach the sight of you or rather women who only cares about you until the credit cards start to decline. Rodman also owed $51,441 through March 1 in back spousal support, no doubt from wiping all the guilt, shame and fear away from the days she had to had to watch this baboon run around in busted drag, 50 earrings in his face and enough hair colors to fill a pack of fruit stripe gum.

Dennis Rodman's attorney, Linnea Willis, said in court documents that the former Laker is barely capable of paying for his living expenses, let alone the $5,000 he has for one child from another relationship, and the $4,500 monthly payment for spousal and child support to Michelle Rodman. How is he broke? How do these fools who come from poverty and they lament about "I'm from the hood, my mom was addicted to crack, I struggled and my family struggled", to go back to struggling because they needed to buy sunglasses, bedazzled jeans, the bar, and every car a rapper name dropped in a song.

The attorneys who have represented him to date have worked pro bono, Willis said. "Respondent Dennis Rodman is broke and cannot afford any additional fees," according to court documents filed on his behalf.

He is "extremely sick" and his marketability is diminishing with age and illness, according to court documents. We can see his is sick... Amazing really...Magic Johnson contracted HIV in the early 90's and technically should be dead and he has made out better than Rodman. I guess we can use the monniker, "live fast, die young and leave a good looking corpse." Dennis can check off 2 on that list. Why do we pay functional illiterates millions of dollars because they can bounce a ball, then act shocked when they piss it all away?

Here is a sure fire way to save money, GET A VASECTOMY! That's like what, a few grand? Baby + Baby Mama= Priceless/ Endless.
Dennis is supposedly and alcoholic and that's why he can't get work. I thought he whored himself out on Celebrity Rehab a few years ago, but he could never commit to not drinking or hanging with his fast friends. He descended into alcoholism due to not seeing his kids, the divorce and more than likely trying to drown out the pain of not being in the spotlight. That's interesting considering he was getting a b.j. on air 6 months ago. Youtube it...

"I go out with white women. This makes a lot of people unhappy, mostly black women."

Don't flatter yourself, Dennis the Menace. No, it didn't upset any black women who had clear vision and you never gave me a chance to go in your wallet during your glory days. No black woman could turn a blind eye to a man who puts on leggings before Russell Brand made them cool with his bulimic, manson chic look. Rodman said that he would judge his own manliness, so does Rupaul and he is famous for cross dressing except his drag is exceptional. No straight man should ever wear a sequined halter top under any circumstances much less Ed Hardy the douchebags regalia. No, Dennis, no black woman is upset that a catch like you got away. You are one less member in the endless parade of fools that we have to reject.

I would suggest that you contact your old flame Madonna, who actually liked you for your soul which is code for penis, and try to get a couple dollars from her or one of her kids, they have money too, especially her clone Lourdes.

One can almost feel a modicum of pity for this man child, until you see photos like this then gut splitting laughter is all that can summoned from the dark forces who incidentally did his makeup


Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Open Letter to Oprah

Dear Patron Saint of Hypocrisy,

Oprah Winfrey

OprahWinfrey0183.jpg image by al7n6awi
You are boring. That's why no one watches OWN. Black people have known for years that you are duller than Rihanna and Kim Kardashian in a Constitutional Law class. I watched that craptacular sensationalized "Bobbi Kristina, the interview of all interviews", and I must say I was underwhelmed. No new revelations about Whitney or her life came out of the interview. You talked to the girl in the hall like she was some hoe in the street paying for a hit of crack. Why couldn't she sit down and talk to you? Would she make you look too fat in contrast, so you had to make her stay standing? You didn't let her finish a sentence, even if she didn't make much sense, but I blame you for asking her stupid questions. "How are you doing?' Her mother died, how do you think she is doing. All one needed was a bell, a stripper pole and it would've been Oprah Springer, but he has higher ratings than this upstart pathetic network. I would rather watch Bad Girls Club because at least something happens. Then you encourage her to sing, really?! Unless she has most of her mother's genes and I don't hear that type of husky voice that good singers have, she will have to much Bobby and be quite mediocre. Instead of leading her down a path of destruction like her trifling father, it might have been helpful, since you love playing earth mother, to tell her to follow her own path and not try to step in her mother's spot light. If she does she runs the risk of becoming a black, gap toothed version of Liza Minelli or a Lisa Marie Presley desperately seeking her mother's approval beyond the grave, but will inevitably be ripped a new one by the public. Every first year psych student could tell you this and we don't need Deepak Chopra as a best friend to tell us that.

Where was this concerned "friend" Oprah before Whitney's death? Now she sheds crocodile tears just like she did when Michael Jackson died. Oprah was much too busy taking photos of herself for her magazine covers and writing stupid "my favorite things" posts about $300 cashmere scarfs. Oprah is the world's largest and highest paid mammy. Over the years you have moved up the caste system from pica ninny field hand to house help because of low  a moral fiber, and manipulation. You progressed from big black Sophia with nappy hair being a sister girl to boring us to death on your daily attempt to become the first black patron saint of celebrity while pretending to be down to earth. Millions ran out to read your recommended books because Americans are too stupid to actually read a book without trying to be cool or pseudo intellectual. Every time a celebrity dies, you trot out with a "how Oprah feels" special, but you try to spin it to make it seem like you care. You go to Africa to help the little orphan kids, kiss them build a school, give out cars or other trinkets to endear people to you, then you get the hell out of dodge.

Oprah WinfreyYou are a master manipulator and a liar trying to get people to think that you are exactly like them. How many people can sit down with Michael or Tom Cruise and have them jump on their couch? How many people can say Beyonce performed on their show or helped a man become the first black president of the United States. There are not enough wigs, filtered lights, personal chefs, special camera angles and airbrushing to change the fact that watching flies swarm a a steaming pile of feces in August at noon is more entertaining than watching anything on OWN.

Give it a rest Oprah, I see right through you. Well..figuratively speaking...That's too much body to see through, and if I hear one more thing about your weight struggles, I swear then I am going to scream. Here's a tip: PUT DOWN THE FORK! HAVE YOU TRIED JENNY YET?

Your sainthood is hereby revoked,

Oprah Winfrey

 Sincerely someone who is tired of you, your favorite things, your book of the month club and your life class.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Titanic in 3-D...IN GOD'S NAME WHY?!

Yesterday my worst fears were confirmed, the most over hyped, steaming pile 3 hr, waste of life of a movie will be re ran in 3D. Oh the magic...I absolutely despised this movie in 2D so I refuse to watch this in 3D. Back in the late 90's this movie terrorized the world for over a year while Celine Deion yodeled on a rusted bow of a ship during the waning years that MTV played videos.

Here is why Titanic ranks on my who gives a crap meter and belongs in the bottom of the celluloid heap. The story begins with a deep sea team who can "for the first time see inside Titanic" and solve the epic mystery of how she sunk. What epic mystery, she hit an ice burg in the Atlantic because they didn't have lights going out in the water, they were going to fast, ignored ice warnings and were arrogant douches in general. The team is in pursuit of a diamond necklace and they find a safe with a drawing inside instead of the necklace. They show the drawing on TV and it's an old lady in a wheelchair who recgonizes the photo and claims she is the young girl in the picture. Enter the flashback of the young buxom red head who is dreadfully unhappy. You see she is engaged to a handsome wealthy man, but he isn't that nice, but neither is she. They board the ship from England to America first class while Jack (Leonardo Di Caprio's annoying character) and his grease ball friend board third class, basically winning their tickets in a poker game. Lucky game...Rose is a poor little rich girl that is missing excitement, so she decides to kill herself by jumping off the back of the ship. Jack notices her, and in his best Captain Kirk - save a hoe impersonation, talks her down, as she climbs back over the railing, she slips on her dress, he pulls her over safely but to bystanders, it appears as if she has been assaulted. Rose and Jack come up with the "I'm a stupid girl" lie, and they invite Jack for dinner as a thank you for saving her life. The next 2 hrs. are a "I'm rich and your poor, but let's dance together" deal.

Rose and Jack fall in love, he draws her naked, they party like it's 1949 in the underbelly of the ship with all the common riff raff. For some reason Jack get's arrested, it doesn't matter at this point, and the ship hits the burg, which is when the story is actually interesting. Rose breaks into the security office to break the cuffs and off they go. They deal with flooding, locked doors, pretty much any cliche you can think of. She finds her mother and fiance and they convince her to get in the boat. The fiance promises he can get Jack to safety. As Rose is lowered into the abyss of the ocean, she looks up and she jumps up and hops back on the ship. Stupid! Needless to say, this love story continues as the ship goes down.

While in the water, Jack finds the remnants of a door, Rose climbs on it, Jack can't, but they hold hands. Why couldn't Jack get on the door? Was their an imaginary warming device to keep the dude warm? Did Jack have magical powers that allowed him to stay warm. An officer decides to go back and help the people freezing in the water and consolidate some boats. Rose is out of it, but she slowly comes back and reaches over to tell Jack about the boat. Jack is motionless. She realizes he has died and while that stupid Celine Deion song plays and she pries his cold frozen hands away, kisses them and says she will never let go, while she let's him go and he floats down to the bottom of the ocean. She swims to the the dead commanders body, grabs his whistle and blows to get the man in the boats attention.

Is Hollywood this devoid of original thought? First it was Star Wars, now this? It would be better to 3D Terminator or T2, but Titanic? This is a story about 2 good looking people that hookup on a cruise ship but the ship sinks. This story is recreated every spring break up and down the eastern and western coastline. If you thought "Sparta!" from 300 was annoying, try "I'm the King of the world". It seems that Jack was unhappy with Rose's performance in the car, and he chose death rather than spending the rest of his life with her. To add insult to injury, old Rose, dies and she doesn't go to heaven to meet her deceased husband, the person that she had children, made a life with, no, she floats on down to the Titanic to be with the guy she only knew for a week. Seriously?! She only banged him once. The last 80 years of her life meant nothing in comparison to that week. The ghost of her husband should come and "Chris Brown" her for her ghost affair.

This movie is proof that Jesus died in vain and we should leave this story deep in the frozen abyss.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Is there a correlation Between Album Sales and Jay-Z's Unattractiveness?

Let's begin this with an obvious truth: Jay-Z is grossly unattractive, he's past his prime in rap, and he looks like an ashy camel.

They say that beauty is only skin deep, but we all know that, that is something that only ugly people say. No one likes his face except Beyowulf and let's be real, she is more interested in his wallet than anything else. How does his face determine his album sales?

Reasonable Doubt- 1996,

Undoubtedly his best album because it was his first one. Jay-Z wisely covered that mug and all we got is a blurry nose and a half lip. I guess even his label knew that's all the world could stomach.This was an undisputed classic and his crowning achievement, this was also listed as Billboards 500 Greatest Albums of All Time.

In My Lifetime- Vol I- 1997

Between clinched fists and a clearly defined 'You wanna go?' taunt in his expression, Jay-Z uses this album cover to establish himself as a real deal street hustler. No more silky white scarves for this baller. He's what? An arm's length away from the viewer? That's too close for comfort and too much ugly. Go where exactly? The plastic surgeon? Let me book that appointment for you camel toe. The album which I frankly don't even remember, was listed as "mundane or embarrassing", or lacking a clear vision. Sound familiar? Vibe said he was inconsistent and threw punches "with the impact of hip hop marshmallows."


Hark Knock Life Vol 2

Shame they didn't cover his face with the album title...But they wisely shot him from a distance and as a result he won a Grammy for best album of the year. To be fair, Grammy's are popularity contests and Eminem won a Grammy for Relapse and apologized for how crappy the album was on his next album. There were good songs on the record, but the second coming it was not.

The Blue Print- 2001

This could be any random black dude in this photo, who knows. We haven't had this much trouble trying to identify a shadowy face, hairline, and ear shape since R. Kelly's infamous "piss on you" sex tape. This was probably the last truly good album where he was actually trying to rap about things other than being a billionaire, how much ice he has, how much money his bitch has, New York and sipping champagne on St. Tropez in LV flip flops in linen pants. Needless to say, this album went double platinum despite being released on 9/11/01.

The Blueprint 2- The Gift and the Curse, 2002

This should've been the curse after the gift. Where is my holy water?  I feel violated in this photo. This camel/ bull dog hybrid looks like he is auditioning for the ugly retard awards along with his "gang" sign. Who knows...This an attempt to look angry, menacing and edgy probably after forcing Rihanna on the world, that would piss anyone off. Maybe Beyowulf was holding out. He looks like his breath stinks in this picture and I swear that I can almost smell it that's how dangerously close he is to me in this picture. This was the beginning of the "I'm the greatest" bloat that we have all come to know, tolerate, accept and pay millions of dollars to listen to while he rips off Biggie's rhymes. This album was considered to be "low rent", bloated and a piece of crap.

The Black Album- 2003

If you squint you can see him. This was probably the wisest marketing technique ever. If you are unwilling to change you appearance with surgery, cover that crap up with black, it hides everything. All you see are the ashy lips and the nose but the Clubber Lang anger eyes are gone and now balance is restored in the world. This album is his top selling album of the decade and sadly his last real "rap" album.

Kingdom Come- 2006

This album, which was to be this douche's comeback album reminds me of bloodshed and fear. He pretended to retire after he ran out of rhymes to steal. The camel is too close for comfort in this shot and lyrically he was murdered by Nas. Yes my love, Super Ugly does fit here.
This album was a display of complacency and was one if not his worst album.

American Gangster- 2007

 Jay seems to be late on the train of emulating gangsters as most rappers and now pop artist do (see Rihanna's stupid pepto pink "thug life tatt" on her knuckles), but here Jay seems to have gotten on board a little late. About 20 years late. Nevertheless, all we see is an outline of his ghost like body with a weak attempt to be a godfather like character. He was hailed as being a poet and that he had great wordplay. If his competition was Soulja Boy, then that's like being the smartest guy in the room full of people with down syndrome.

The Blueprint 3- 2009

Jigga Man is 100% out of the picture and this was his most successful album ever. He seems to have raided a local high school band and stacked up white instruments, probably trying not scare off the white folk, because let's face it, this was a hip pop cross over album. There was nothing particularly hood or street about this album other than him saying the same b.s. he has said in the last 30 albums he has released. It's mediocre at best, but it was a commercial success.

As long as Jigga keeps his camel face off the album cover he will sell and sell out quicker than MC Hammer in gold lame genie pants at the neighborhood swap meet. He got 99 problems and his face is definitely one.