Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Open Letter to Oprah

Dear Patron Saint of Hypocrisy,

Oprah Winfrey

OprahWinfrey0183.jpg image by al7n6awi
You are boring. That's why no one watches OWN. Black people have known for years that you are duller than Rihanna and Kim Kardashian in a Constitutional Law class. I watched that craptacular sensationalized "Bobbi Kristina, the interview of all interviews", and I must say I was underwhelmed. No new revelations about Whitney or her life came out of the interview. You talked to the girl in the hall like she was some hoe in the street paying for a hit of crack. Why couldn't she sit down and talk to you? Would she make you look too fat in contrast, so you had to make her stay standing? You didn't let her finish a sentence, even if she didn't make much sense, but I blame you for asking her stupid questions. "How are you doing?' Her mother died, how do you think she is doing. All one needed was a bell, a stripper pole and it would've been Oprah Springer, but he has higher ratings than this upstart pathetic network. I would rather watch Bad Girls Club because at least something happens. Then you encourage her to sing, really?! Unless she has most of her mother's genes and I don't hear that type of husky voice that good singers have, she will have to much Bobby and be quite mediocre. Instead of leading her down a path of destruction like her trifling father, it might have been helpful, since you love playing earth mother, to tell her to follow her own path and not try to step in her mother's spot light. If she does she runs the risk of becoming a black, gap toothed version of Liza Minelli or a Lisa Marie Presley desperately seeking her mother's approval beyond the grave, but will inevitably be ripped a new one by the public. Every first year psych student could tell you this and we don't need Deepak Chopra as a best friend to tell us that.

Where was this concerned "friend" Oprah before Whitney's death? Now she sheds crocodile tears just like she did when Michael Jackson died. Oprah was much too busy taking photos of herself for her magazine covers and writing stupid "my favorite things" posts about $300 cashmere scarfs. Oprah is the world's largest and highest paid mammy. Over the years you have moved up the caste system from pica ninny field hand to house help because of low  a moral fiber, and manipulation. You progressed from big black Sophia with nappy hair being a sister girl to boring us to death on your daily attempt to become the first black patron saint of celebrity while pretending to be down to earth. Millions ran out to read your recommended books because Americans are too stupid to actually read a book without trying to be cool or pseudo intellectual. Every time a celebrity dies, you trot out with a "how Oprah feels" special, but you try to spin it to make it seem like you care. You go to Africa to help the little orphan kids, kiss them build a school, give out cars or other trinkets to endear people to you, then you get the hell out of dodge.

Oprah WinfreyYou are a master manipulator and a liar trying to get people to think that you are exactly like them. How many people can sit down with Michael or Tom Cruise and have them jump on their couch? How many people can say Beyonce performed on their show or helped a man become the first black president of the United States. There are not enough wigs, filtered lights, personal chefs, special camera angles and airbrushing to change the fact that watching flies swarm a a steaming pile of feces in August at noon is more entertaining than watching anything on OWN.

Give it a rest Oprah, I see right through you. Well..figuratively speaking...That's too much body to see through, and if I hear one more thing about your weight struggles, I swear then I am going to scream. Here's a tip: PUT DOWN THE FORK! HAVE YOU TRIED JENNY YET?

Your sainthood is hereby revoked,

Oprah Winfrey

 Sincerely someone who is tired of you, your favorite things, your book of the month club and your life class.


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