Tuesday, July 23, 2013

The Royal Baby is Here..and the World Shrugs With Indifference

Its finally here, the newest member of the British welfare system has arrived to annoy the peasantry and will one day attempt to prove to the world that he is just like us, but not really...

After the annoying "royal wedding" that every media outlet felt the need to pimp out by uninspiring nonstop coverage,  we have another virgin birth. No? Well surely she is the first woman on earth to have a baby. No again?! Then she's American or some type of alien pod person. She is a chick that got married and had a baby...how thrilling...call Guiness. How is she different than any other chick that got married and had a baby?

Here is how interested I am in this news about monarchs that we revolted against in 1776, I would rather catch a Teen Mom marathon while switching to Showgirls (with the digitally added bra tops), while talking to the dumbest person I know about religion.  Researching how my endodonist performed my root canal is more entertaining than a prince born to a family that suffers from generations of inbreeding that will one day become a symbolic king with no official purpose other than of self imposed charity work. It would serve my time better to find depth and meaning in a Tyler Perry film or a Beyonce'/ Rihanna/ Nicki Minaj/ 2 Chainz/ Lil Wayne song. Of course the boy is 3rd in line to the crown and if Elizabeth II's life expectancy is any indication of longevity, the kid will be king at 70.

Its not all bad, a baby is a blessed albeit predictable occasion. How do I know, I get an annoying reminder every 28 days, sometimes sooner if a major holiday pops up.  Considering we females are anatomically designed for childbirth and its no magical phenomena, unless you are a space alien and have different sexual organs and can only reproduce by inseminating protein husks. Its also magic if you are a transplant from the dark ages and believe everything is a sign of the devils influence.

So I guess we must sit down and be held hostage to the endless Will and Kate + 1 or Tales of a Prince idiotic specials all weekend and have our eyeballs assaulted at check out lines across the nation. Sorry Kimmy and Beyowulf, a real Prince trumps the fake royalty you try so desperately to convince us of. A Prince sort of makes little seaweed and the reject villain from a comic book seem extra silly. As if naming your child a direction and a color isn't ridiculous enough as is.

If there was an opportunity to revolt against the bombardment of hearing about a typical function of female human anatomy, I would sign up in a Boston tea party minute. Actually, female anatomy, dogs, cats, monkeys, elephants, lions, tigers, etc...have a reproductive system, you learn this in any high school biology class. This is hardly the resurrection.

Good job William and Kate for doing nothing new, interesting or exciting. You make me proud to be an American.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Wednesday Shorts...Kimye, Paula Deen and Yeezus

Guess who's back?! Finally feeling better from my neuralgia and an emergency root canal, now it's time for me to do what I do best...make fun of stupid people.

Fame Whores
In case anyone missed it or were remotely interested, Kim Kartrashian and Kanye West induced their baby 5 weeks early in order for Kanye to promote that tragedy that is Yeezus. Apparently they have been offered and turned down the $3 Million offer for pics of the child named after a point on a map. Why would you name a person a coordinate? When you Kanye fan boys keep calling Kanye a genius, remember, he named his child an unbelievably stupid name. Plus, they are calling her Nori for short. Yeah...guess they don't know that Nori means seaweed. (Slams head on desk). Little seaweed West...cute. Kanye doesn't want his kid out there like that and for the time being, Kim is allowing him to call the shots, otherwise she will look stupid. Even though being legally married and knocked up from a man that is not her legal husband isn't really dainty. So we will have to see "Kim's Struggles with Motherhood" stories and the quest to get her body back, i.e. continual bouts of plastic surgery, for years to come. Every magazine sold should come with a complimentary sickness bag and pack of condoms.  Since they both wear women's clothes, who is the actual girl in this relationship I wonder?

“North West” will be what is written in the coroner’s report describing the position the body was facing after she cut her wrists when she realized what absolute, self-absorbed douche bags for parents she had.

   Kanye West's Yeezus rubbished by fans
Speaking of Kanye, he released his album, more like EP, of "music" that is quite unpleasing to the ear.  This album should've been titled, "Got Money, Stopped Trying." The album is best described by Kanye himself, "I have this new strategy. It’s called no strategy. ‘This album is all about giving. This whole process is all about giving no f***s at all." Well buddy, it's obvious no phucks were given. Different, artistic, and a unique perspective is fine, but the musical content has to be bearable. Imagine industrial noises at a construction site, a jackhammer, rock music turned all the way up to the highest decibel, Euro trash techno and Yeezus screaming "God, God, God, God, I am a God, bring me my damn croissants". The lyrics are beyond stupid and make "Chain hang to my dang a lang", sound almost poetic in comparison. Posted a few songs for you...

Kanye hasn't had much to say since Graduation and the only thing that was really good on Twisted Fantasy were the beats and the bromance spawned from fellow rapper that has nothing to say, Jay Z and Nicki Minaj's one good verse in a song, ever, and not the blatant hedonism with misogynistic overtones.

This album tries too hard to be different when all he is doing is recycling the same tired lines he has been for two albums. Ego and creativity has gotten in the way of an artist that put out decent songs or a quality product. Just because its different, ambitious or bold, doesn't make it good. And this album is about 100 leagues from good.  The album sucks ass, but the world will give him a pass, just because he is Kanye. Yeezus is the farthest thing from divine inspiration, it's more like it was designed in hell as a method of torture.

Paula Deen is a racist and she has been publicly disrobed and outed for being a grand dragon country time Betty Crocker of the KKK instead of just being a money grubbing hypocrite having diabetes and frying a stick of butter and calling it "fine dining".She actually talked about having plantation parties, mourning the end of slavery and a liberal use of the n-word. Plus, she loves to make fun of Jews, gays and other groups. Why is Ms. Deen having such a mental brain fart? She was born in the south. Wow...so let's just confirm to the rest of the country that everyone here is either a thug, a fat ass, a redneck with no teeth, or a raging racist still holding on the confederate flag and re-imagining the outcome of the Civil War. While she shouldn't be locked up or even fired, a public shaming is necessary, otherwise these other southern dumb asses will keep talking and bring about more humiliation that we suffer each time a Republican speaks. As a result of her gross stupidity, she has lost her show and most endorsements and the stores are pulling her products off the shelves. Next time, when you have a racist comment, tell it to your peers that share in those biased beliefs, not the objects of the jokes and mockery and create a hostile work environment. You know what happens when you do that, you get sued! Also, don't give a half assed apology that has to be edited and re-edited for the entire 46 seconds of time because she couldn't articulate what she was apologizing for.

 She has also been offered 6 figures to do porn from puremature.com. They sent a letter, "Full figured or thin, arthritic or diabetic -- you embody our perfect spokesperson," the company wrote to Deen, adding that she's a "MILF." (Eyes glazing over while I try to not vomit the contents of my stomach), if she accepts, we know how easy it was to butter up a turkey.

paula deen porn

If she does porn, the whole world will be crying too.