Tuesday, July 23, 2013

The Royal Baby is Here..and the World Shrugs With Indifference

Its finally here, the newest member of the British welfare system has arrived to annoy the peasantry and will one day attempt to prove to the world that he is just like us, but not really...

After the annoying "royal wedding" that every media outlet felt the need to pimp out by uninspiring nonstop coverage,  we have another virgin birth. No? Well surely she is the first woman on earth to have a baby. No again?! Then she's American or some type of alien pod person. She is a chick that got married and had a baby...how thrilling...call Guiness. How is she different than any other chick that got married and had a baby?

Here is how interested I am in this news about monarchs that we revolted against in 1776, I would rather catch a Teen Mom marathon while switching to Showgirls (with the digitally added bra tops), while talking to the dumbest person I know about religion.  Researching how my endodonist performed my root canal is more entertaining than a prince born to a family that suffers from generations of inbreeding that will one day become a symbolic king with no official purpose other than of self imposed charity work. It would serve my time better to find depth and meaning in a Tyler Perry film or a Beyonce'/ Rihanna/ Nicki Minaj/ 2 Chainz/ Lil Wayne song. Of course the boy is 3rd in line to the crown and if Elizabeth II's life expectancy is any indication of longevity, the kid will be king at 70.

Its not all bad, a baby is a blessed albeit predictable occasion. How do I know, I get an annoying reminder every 28 days, sometimes sooner if a major holiday pops up.  Considering we females are anatomically designed for childbirth and its no magical phenomena, unless you are a space alien and have different sexual organs and can only reproduce by inseminating protein husks. Its also magic if you are a transplant from the dark ages and believe everything is a sign of the devils influence.

So I guess we must sit down and be held hostage to the endless Will and Kate + 1 or Tales of a Prince idiotic specials all weekend and have our eyeballs assaulted at check out lines across the nation. Sorry Kimmy and Beyowulf, a real Prince trumps the fake royalty you try so desperately to convince us of. A Prince sort of makes little seaweed and the reject villain from a comic book seem extra silly. As if naming your child a direction and a color isn't ridiculous enough as is.

If there was an opportunity to revolt against the bombardment of hearing about a typical function of female human anatomy, I would sign up in a Boston tea party minute. Actually, female anatomy, dogs, cats, monkeys, elephants, lions, tigers, etc...have a reproductive system, you learn this in any high school biology class. This is hardly the resurrection.

Good job William and Kate for doing nothing new, interesting or exciting. You make me proud to be an American.

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