Thursday, April 26, 2012

Beyonce' Named Worlds Most Beautiful, and She's Still an Idiot

People magazine has once again given the arbitrary award of "World's Most Beautiful Woman".  By what standard I wonder...By who's, that question is not answered and no one seems to care as we get into the shilling and pimping of out of Baby Camel. She states, "I feel more beautiful than I've ever felt because I've given birth," Oh please...You haven't looked more have been walking around in jacked up pants, and wack outfits.

Super Ugly

 The superstar singer and her husband Jay-Z welcomed their daughter in January, in the quickest pregnancy known to man and Beyonce said she's "never felt so connected, never felt like I had such a purpose on this earth... She's just the cutest thing.” What else is she supposed to say? Every parent thinks their kid is cute. I know people personally who have kids that look like something that I have scraped off  the bottom of my shoe and they think they're kid is the cutest thing. No parent says or can admit, that their beloved child looks like the elephant man. They can look like afterbirth, and they are still "cute", to their parents. If that kid truly has Sean Carter's DNA and I doubt it, that child will be unattractive and only her bank account will make her so called cute. Not even Beyonce' can filter out that much ugly.

The 30-year-old scholar also revealed that she sings unique lullabies to little Blue, and claimed to actually “love" changing diapers. Yeah...everyone loves smelling poop, especially baby poop. How about I smell poop.

 And as for which parent Blue most resembles, Bey would only say that "she looks like Blue. She's her own person." Translation: Sean's features are becoming prominent and it's too much ugly coming out earlier than predicted.
"The best thing about having a daughter is having a true legacy," she continued about her bundle of joy. "The word 'love' means something completely different now." Because, being sequestered away all her life and never experiencing anything she has no life experiences, which is apparent when she sings/ screams. So maybe that means deeper songs than being bootylicious or being a Diva. We can hope, but I doubt it. It depends on how long she has to search the Internet and how good her Internet connection is.

This my friends is all the more reason to not purchase People Magazine. A person with no personality, no ability to hold a conversation, no ability to hold an interview, no ability to write a letter, or do much of anything but scream, wear a blond weave, steal, fake smile, and get airbrushed. Does being rich make you beautiful? J.Lo somehow became the worlds most beautiful last year and this year Beyowulf finagled her way into winning. This should be called Flavor of the Month and this year it's me, it's not like they actually sent an envoy to every continent to have a beautiful woman contest judged by Tyra and the homosexuals that she fired. This was some arbitrary celebrity popularity contest. This is a complete joke, it has been shown over and over that she is mean, spiteful, greedy and selfish, sort of the antithesis of beautiful. So...this is sort of a fail. 

Hey People, why don't you actually try to look for an actual REAL PERSON that can string together two sentences, works, doesn't spend an average person's salary on hair and makeup and doesn't have photos taken that airbrush out every flaw. 

Beyonce' The most Beautiful Person in the World...Wonder what that cost her?

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Open Letter to Brian McKnight

Dear B-Ryan,

Brian Mcknight
Seksi the 90's....
You are going through a mid life crisis so I thought that some pseudo youth greeting might be appropriate. How old are you? 60 or 65? I have listened to you croon for my late teens and entire 20's and you helped singlehandely destroy my perception of men. Listening to your b.s. I thought men were sweet, romantic, sensitive, attentive to my feelings, open to relationships, and looked toward the future. In reality, those bastards were closer to a Luke song, pimps up hoes down, pump and dump, romance is a super size meal at McDonald's  and a romp in the backseat of my car.

This Song was creepier than me?

Yesterday, you came out with the most pathetic piece of crap song that if I blinked I would swear Rihanna would be singing garbage like this. The lyrics are so creepy, that I almost would rather see R. Kelly pissing on the 14 year old girl, or the little girl in that movie spitting the soup and performing a sex act with a crucifix. Your song was creepier than blatant blasphemy!

So the lyrics, ridiculous as they were and I hate to repeat them:
"Let me show you how the pussy works, since you didn't bring it to me first". Is this a comedy album? This is something that you should give to Eddie Murphy to restart his pathetic comedy career and even toss in some music, since he likes to sing. Remember "Put your mouth on me?" or "Party all the time"?
New Material For Me! 

 But you nigga? You are supposed to be classy, elegant, not singing garbage like this. On the YouTube video you are sitting on a bench, receding hairline, thick pancake makeup, lame where's waldo v-neck sweater and little boy shorts talking about how you are going to show me or teach me if I am willing to learn. Dude, you are almost 70, you have worms. There is nothing sexy about that. Who thinks that's sexy. NOBODY! That's why you tour in clubs and small arenas, not in major clubs and from the looks of this material, you won't be doing too much of anything but sitting in your little hot pants in your house, singing about long gone by pussy, but not actually having any.

You need to quit while you are ahead, you are on a first class ticket to loser town. You aren't Chris beat her down Brown, and nor should you try to be him. People with talent don't resort to nonsense like this, unless they are desperate.

I think you need to start back at one.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Beyonce Goes Back to School

I got 2 Gold Stars on my homework!!!

Looks Like Beyonce has been watching all those Brown Mackie or University of Phoenix commercials and has become inspired. Wait...Beyowulf would have actually had to finish high school to even worry about college. Our little scholar dropped out at age 15 to terrorize the world with scream singing and pelvis grinding. We do know she can work a computer and can use the Internet. That's where she steals all her video concepts, lyrics, dance routines, costumes, lighting, and the songs themselves.

At this point she couldn't even get into clown college, though she looks like Bozo most of the time. We all know she isn't the brightest bulb on the tree as evidenced by her book report/ love letter to the FLOTUS. Her lack of ability to draft a letter, a simple letter was laid bare for the entire world to see. How are you 30 and can't write a cogent letter? It read as if a fifth grader wrote it, not a 30 year old who made it to high school and had private tutors.  Here is a copy of the laughable letter, get your gag reflex ready:
beyonce drinking
Empty Headed

Is this letter or book report about Michelle or addressed to Michelle? Let's count the number of times Beyowulf uses the word "she" in this grand opus, no doubt jockeying for a role to yodel at the next inaugural ball. She jumps from talking to Michelle and then she talks about Michelle, even though she begins with a salutation to Michelle. You learn these things in Elementary school. Beyowulf mentions that Michelle nurtures her family and looks out for millions in "so many ways", yet doesn't elaborate on the so many ways. I guess the ways are so numerous that she couldn't name them all. Naming the most obvious "Lets Move" campaign since the commercials literally comes on every 10 minutes might be too challenging, but I bet Beyonce knows when each of her idiotic commercials comes on when she is slinging her weave but is trying to sell hair dye to people that are truly brain dead. Her book report would've been graded an F and it warranted an twitter response. Sasha and Malia, truly kids, could write better than this. Yet, there are college classes being taught on Beyonce and this idiot can't draft a letter, a simple letter on a website. 

beyoncezahi copy

It's not just me saying that she is stupid, an Egyptologist said so when she visited Egypt. Beyonce was touring Egypt and left popular Egyptologist, Zahi Hawass, pissed off because of her lack of knowledge and unwillingness to learn: Egypt’s chief Egyptologist Zahi Hawass allegedly called Beyowulf a “stupid person” during her brief tour of the Giza pyramids, writing in al-Shorouk newspaper, Summer al-Gamal said that Hawass became fed up with the pop star’s attitude after she did not show the interest Hawass felt was deserved of the pyramids. Just confirm to the Arabs that we are all idiots...

According to Gamal, during Hawass’ self-guided tour, he said “I showed her the Sphinx and I gave her a book on King Tutankhamen,” but then his anger and frustration made its way to the forefront.

“Then he stopped being diplomatic and said in anger, ‘she’s a stupid person and she doesn’t understand a thing and she doesn’t want to understand,’” wrote Gamal. Sounds about right...we learned about the Sphinx and King Tut in our 5th or 6th grade world history class and she still doesn't know?

Beyonce, I guess Michelle put your remedial, basic letter on the fridge with a magnet and gave you 3 gold stars. Yeah you got millions thanks to your dad and plagiarism, but for the love of God, this is the best we can do? The excuse that this letter was cute and informal is bull, because if that's the case it shouldn't have been put online where your gross stupidity wouldn't be on full display. I find it endlessly insulting that the richest people, especially women, are typically idiots, mesmerizing idiots, and Beyonce is the QUEEN B. 

I don't know what grade she needs to repeat, but I think she should start at Elementary School and work her way up. If she knew her alphabet or multiplication table, I would be shocked. "I don't understand" should be the name of her next song, while she stares blankly at the screen, so long as she gyrates in a corset, it will be a hit.
I'm Lost

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Rihanna Voted One of Times Most Influential People In the World

I think I laughed for 20 minutes when I read this...

It's My Pity Party and I will Lie if I Want To

This has to be an April Fools Joke. The talentless model, who has never written a song, can't dance, can't sing and is a fake singer at best and an agent of evil at worst has joined the ranks of a prestigious list of 100 artists, activists, reformers, researchers, and heads of state including President Obama, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, Adele, Chelsea Handler, and Jeremy Lin. This ass clown can do nothing but undress and relax, prance on stage, smoke weed, snort coke and tweet is now on the same level as Hillary Clinton?! More like Wharf from Star Trek with that enormous bulbous head. Is there no forehead reduction surgery that she can get? Rihanna has the forehead game on lock. That thing can pick up satellite signals. You could land the space shuttle on her forehead. She could use her forehead like a drum, coaster or even as a weapon during a crisis (or her concert which is a category 5 disaster).

When she provoked the fight with Chris Brown, you know that she head butted him with that triceratops head. Maybe she didn't, one head butt with that chrome dome would've been fatal and she would be in prison for murder and we would be spared her goat essence and then the world would be a happier place.

Rihanna Catches A Tube From Waterloo Station - rihanna-catches-a-tube-from-waterloo-station-01
Paging Rita Ora

Rihanna has influenced people to do what? Prove that mediocrity and doing the bare minimum can make you a multi millionare as long as you sacrifice your pride, dignity, and originality? Seek attention when your album sales slide by taking your clothes off? Bedazzling bikinis? Obtaining degree's in victimology? Pimping the media and making them feel sorry for you when you have an auto tuned single to be released? Sleeping your way to a record deal? Swagger jacking Grace Jones, Madonna, Kelis, Gaga, Rita Ora and now Cassie? Oh yeah, that's Rihanna herself...sorry...She's influenced people to get idiotic tattoos talking about thug life but nothing about them or their lives are thuggish. Yeah...that's Rihanna again...Well, she's has inspired people to flip off the camera in an inane attempt to be edgy or deep while tweeting "bitch" or "cunt". Rihanna again?

Ok...She has inspired people to sing songs that have no meaning off key, sounding like an impaled goat, while repeating a line and a chorus or just one word over and over. How about prancing around in underwear as outerwear and showing off her saggy pierced breasts at any given opportunity in a vainglorious attempt at relevance. She knows how to be a twitter thug and a complete moron who has brought the downfall of music with generic banal garbage that pollutes the airwaves.

Rihanna in Battleship Australian Premiere - Arrivals - rihanna-australian-premiere-battleship-06
Cassie? Aliyah? Janet? Fraud!

Stella McCartney, a fashion designer stated, "She’s one of the coolest, hottest, most talented, most liked, most listened to, most followed, most impressive artists at work today, but she does it in her own stride…. This is the beginning for Rihanna…. She is just getting going, so watch out. " I respectfully disagree Stella.

She is loved in the UK, here not so much, why else can't she fill up a stadium, why can't she get a no.1 Album? She has 500 million followers on twitter but her latest album is only gold. She's most listened to, because Def Jam pays the radio stations to play her b.s. it's torture, mental torture. Her own stride? Yeah, when Madonna did it 20 years ago, Janet did it 10 years ago, Kelis did it 3 years ago or Beyonce did it 5 years ago. Everything Rihanna does is generic and a copy of what someone else did only they did it better. She's just getting started 6 years later? That's a late start, pretty remedial if you ask me. Her star is falling why else is she resorting to blatant gimmickry and non stop touring? Because the curtain is falling, we know it, she knows it, it appears that you people in Hollywood are in denial. It's like you people are trying to force us into loving Rihanna. Sorry babe...maybe if she were an actual artist with some artistic integrity, but since she isn't one, there is nothing to love, nothing but the sound of her songs going off.

I Turn People To Stone When I Sing
This is America, and if this is what we count as a "celebrity", then this is what we deserve. A fake drug addict who can't sing her way out of a crack pipe, who changes her hair color because it helps her sing better? Rihanna is a Gorgon, but unlike Medusa, instead of her face turning people into stone, her voice turns people into stone.

ET Phone Home

Every song puts us closer and closer and closer to the apocalypse. Hopefully her people will invade and take her back to her home planet.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Brangelina Finally Get's Engaged, Let Me Wet the Bed

African Babies Rejoice!

Nothing to Grab

After years of co-habitation, playing house, and literally "being fruitful and multiplying" both with kids and ludicrous movies, the Hollywood power couple has decided to inconvenience me by getting engaged. Now, we have to have another insufferable multi-million dollar, over blown, bloated, media frenzied affair that will undoubtedly end in divorce. I mean for 7 whole years, I have been pent up waiting for this announcement. I frantically clipped magazine articles for any hint of an engagement, and all I got was another baby. Yeah, the sooner they get married, sorry, the sooner they have the wedding, then the sooner the media can talk about the strain in the marriage. Oh joy!

Knocked Up and Single, How Dainty

The couples 6 kids have been begging them to do the decent thing and get married. So the kids have a moral compass but the parents don't. Brad is almost 50, I mean go ahead and get married for God's sake. Why do we need grand spectacles? You already had the fairy tale wedding with your first boring wife and you have been impregnating this chick for 7 years, I think a trip to the courthouse will do it. Didn't they say that they wouldn't marry until everyone had the right to get married? Or did they think that the weight of both of their fame would somehow fix wars, hunger, marriage inequality, racial disparity, and disease...That's right, they adopted an African baby, so that sort of evens everything out in the wash, I guess.

So let's get the popcorn ready, because we will have to know the play by play of how boring Jen feels, Angelina's dress, who will design it? How many will she have? Who will make the cake? Who will be invited to the wedding? Will *gasp* Jennifer Anniston be given an invite? Will Angelina's father walk her down the aisle? Will the kids be in the wedding? Where will they live? Where will....blah, blah, blah...

Angelina Jolie
Do I Look Like an Assassin? I have my Assassin  Outfit on...
WHO GIVES A RAT'S BEHIND?! I DON'T CARE ABOUT THESE PEOPLE. THEY HAVE BEEN LIVING TOGETHER FOR 6 OR 7 YEARS, A FAIRY TALE THIS AIN'T. What's more important is why do they keep casting Angelina in roles where she holds guns that are bigger than her, while jumping out of windows kills people with her bare hands? Of course her makeup is perfect. Why is she always a spy, a secret agent, an assassin or something that is not rooted anywhere in reality.

Sexy Bones

Hollywood is crazy, an assassin has to weigh more than 80lbs or can't be killed by a strong gust of wind. She should play Catwoman, but she always plays some variation of herself. She isn't that great of an actress. When was the last great Angelina Jolie movie that didn't heavily rely on explosives to tell the story? Gia, the story where she played a bi-sexual model that died of aids. Everything else has been trash. If I could kill or execute her for a role and I mean medieval style, it would be her half Russian/ Snake handling character in Alexander. She was supposed to be his mother but she never aged. It's like she stayed 30 the entire movie, or maybe I felt my life slowdown from the horribleness that was being displayed on camera from every character. The horse that Alexander rode was the only character that remained unscathed. Then there was Wanted. The movie that should come with the disclaimer. Warning: the laws of physics, gravity and common sense do not apply,but we make rats blow up with peanut butter. So that's a win right?

Suspending your disbelief? But I'm making my "Angelina face"

Let's not even talk about Brad...his best was Interview With the Vampire and mostly because of the passage of time and how gay the Twilight Saga is which makes Interview seem like a masterpiece in comparison.

This is Why Brad Left You for Me
I wish them luck, and longer than the 72 day publicity stunt of big booty hoe Kim K, but to me a box of cornflakes is a box of cornflakes.

If anyone believes that they will be married longer than they have been shacking, please raise your hands...yours down too? 

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Octomom Receives Death Threats...From The Wonderful World of Disney

Cry for the breeding cartoon character...

Michael Jackson Resurrected

Now, let me preface this so called story, I believe that this is a lie and from the imagination of this moron just to keep her name in the media for attention. Unless I see handwriting samples, DNA, Jesus, Mohammad, Buddha, Krishna and a few angels take the stand the in her defense, I won't believe a word that comes out of that surgically warped mouth.
Worst Mother of The Year Photo

   According to the worst mother alive, Nadya Suleman, she was awakened to a smashed car window with an attached note, "Leave California or you will die." She is so afraid for the lives of herself and her children but she can't afford the security that she needs. "I'm terrified," Nadya of course tells a reporter. Funny that she can always muster the strength to talk to the media... She goes on to say, "When I heard the strange noises outside the house, I went back to sleep and brushed them off. But around 9:00 a.m., my neighbors told me my car window had been broken and a handwritten note left behind. I burst into tears. This is not the first time this has happened. I haven't slept for days. I'm like a neighborhood watch in my own neighborhood." What criminal leaves a handwritten death threat? I know who, Nadya Suleman. 

Trying Hard To Be Sexy and Missing The Mark

 This piece of stool postulated that this imaginary death threat may be the result of her decision to go on welfare. Really?! Who would know if she hadn't broad casted her so called plight to the world. How is her situation different than the whores on Maury? She made a foolish decision with long term consequences. She somehow paid for busted plastic surgery to look like a failed version of Angelina Jolie with disguises, wigs and bad striped t-shirts. She didn't show the police the big bad death threat, but she showed the media and of course TMZ, I smell roses, i.e. b.s. Why should anyone want to waste any time trying to harm her? 

Angelina? Not on My Best Day!
"I hope to be off welfare in a few months. I will do whatever I have to for my kids," Nadya says. "It doesn't make sense for me to get a job now, as every penny I earn will go to childcare. But now I have the extra worry of safety. I can't afford to hire security and I have no one but myself to look after my kids. I'm very, very frightened." How does that make sense? Getting a job doesn't make sense, therefore I will go on welfare so the government and taxpayers will pay for them? Yet, I will do whatever I have to for my kids, that is everything except work, because that is economically unfeasible because I have to hire security and the only way I can pay them is with the left over ovaries that I have in my uterus. Maybe I can pay them with wishful thinking or maybe Brad Pitt will be confused and think that I am really Angelina Jolie, Joker or Batman and some singing mice will come out of my butt.

Why hasn't CPS removed these kids? They come in when a kid makes too many 911 calls, but when there is more than enough evidence of gross negligence and a deranged, fame whoring mother blatantly profiteering from their kids worse than J.Lo, Beyowulf and any other celeb she wolf parent yet here, nothing happens. 

Call the porn producer, get it over with. Plus, she get's SSI on some of these kids because some are disabled, so she is already pimping the system, now she wants more. 

Bozo The Clown

Someone tell her she has a Vag and not a clown car.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, Two Douches Made in Douche Heaven

Do I Look Smart?

Serial bride, fame whore, Queen of Jumpoffs and star of my big fat Armenian fake wedding, has taken out her little black book and gone back to the letter "K" and this time picked up with the King of A holes none other than Kanye West. Of course he is no stranger to jumpoff's since he almost wifed up Amber the model that never models, Rose. Kanye released a song called "Theraflu" in which he confesses to having feelings for the 31-year-old reality star, bed warmer. The song should be called "penicillin" or "AZT". A song called "Theraflu" and it's about Kim, she must make a whole helluva lot of people sick. In this so called song, he confesses that he fell in love with this no talent tramp when she got with the idiot Kris, and that somehow if he wanted to, he could've got he fellow bestie in generic rap Jay-Z to drop him from the New Jersey Nets. Just because Jay- Z is a part owner doesn't mean that he has anything to do with the team, coaching, personnel or anything of that nature. All Jay-Z does is sit in the front row with a black ball cap, chewing gum like a horse and  talking to Beyowulf in a nappy blond weave.

Here are the lyrics to "penicillin":

"And I admit I fell in love with Kim ... 'Round the same time she fell in love with him ... That's cool, baby girl, do your thing ... Lucky I ain't had Jay drop him from the team."

Kim Kardashian hickey from Kanye West
Bitten By A Vampire, Maybe I can play in Twilight
Kimmy has been spotted leaving Kanye's spot in the same clothes that she wore the night before sporting the ultimate trash accessory...A HICKEY. Let me state that this slut is still married legally. How high school is that? Kanye is 34 and Kim is 31 and we are letting people put hickey's on like it's a badge of honor. If there was any doubt, we got our skank confirmation. Congratulations Kim, you have come full circle to what started your career, sucking a black are a truly an inspiration to young women everywhere, but that's right, you are just a businesswoman. That's what they call hookers too. I can imagine that her throat is the last tight hole that she has left on her body and that appears to not be enough to keep men around long enough.

These are the two master experts at self promotion throwing a hail Mary pass at staying socially relevant. Neither of them contributes anything meaningful to pop culture these days, I mean other than Kanye wearing girls pants, and the looming prospect of not having media hanging on their every move is unbearable to either of them. Kim gushed that she loves the song, but what doesn't she love when it's all about her?
Kim Kardashian is ALREADY talking about her blossoming relationship with Kanye West.
Empty Headed Hoe

The song is about slime filled with bacteria that oozes from every crevice that eventually rots flesh which later needs plastic surgery. It's called "KK - are you OK-K with your Vajayjay?" Kanye proves once again that he will only bang empty blank slates with a big behind. No substance, no intelligence, no class. You are who you hang out with.

If I had a million dollars, botox, and a box of butt padding, I would guess Kanye will show up on Keeping Up With the Kartrashians to help with ratings and to help make Kim look less like a selfish prima donna that we all know she is. Who is a bigger diva than Kanye? He should remix "It's raining men", but it would have different meanings for Kim and Kanye. Ye seems very homosexual, I mean women clothes...he needs to claim that he bangs bad chicks, even though we have no proof of this. This is publicity plain and simple. 

I Got That Homo Swag

Didn't know Kim could play a beard. 

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

No Evil Oil- The Best Scam Going

Order My Snake Oil, I have a Face You Can Trust...
This late night show was so, forgive the irony, but entertaining to watch. Hearing snake oil sales man, Pastor Danny Davis slip into "tongues," recount his literal, physical wrestling match with the devil (he won), witnessing his bizarre facial expressions and internally provoked outbursts, and hearing him speak perfectly naturally in antiquated English with a welcoming smile on his face at a college professor's desk. Items that his ministry sends out is an annointed prayer hankerchief, a $1in which I am supposed to send $49 more as a sign of faith that I would get back tenfold. ( I will always be broke then)

The Pastor Danny Davis may have made his millions for now hawking the "No Evil Oil" for over a couple of years on late night cable religious channels, and is now enjoying the blessings that the Lord showered upon him by taking money away from all the suffering people with a few dollars to spare here and there.

The late night evangelist comedian with the need to cover their broadcasting overhead do use a lot of creativity in coming up with items of miraculous power to unload and sell. Like any placebo that can activate internal changes and even cures, sometimes these things may even work in overcoming problems that were all mental in the first place, well at least for a while or until the next episode of the more improved more powerful miraculous power charm comes on the flickering TV screen.

One could take all these items and create a conceptual art piece out of it all, or maybe their attempts are nothing more than art performance pieces in the first place?

Pastor Danny Davis has the most quaint origin story: 

Pastor Danny Davis has spent 33 years of his life traveling the world preaching the gospel of healing, salvation, and miracles through the all powerful name of Jesus Christ. He received his calling in a most unusual way. His mother, Charlotte, is an intercessory -prayer-warrior. In the fall of 1954 she was attending a little Pentecostal Church called Star of Hope. The church was in the middle of a building-program. Heavy with child she went to bed one night sad because she had no money to sow a seed . Even the milk man that delivered milk to the front porch had stopped delivery due to non -payment. In her heart she longed to do something for the gospel. As she laid down one afternoon she received a vision of a baby boy sitting under a bright ray of light. The same evening she received a visitation from the Lord. She saw the name DANIEL written on the wall. The Lord spoke to her that she would have a “manchild” and that he would preach the judgements of God to His people. His name was to be Daniel. A few months later she gave birth to a son. Like Samuel of old….Danny Davis was a seed-faith gift given to God before birth.

Today Pastor Danny Davis can be found somewhere in the world preaching in gospel-tents, church-houses, and auditoriums. He is known for the amazing manifestations of the supernatural miracle power of God in his crusades. He is redneck enough to be either a professional wrestler or a NASCAR driver. Yeah, minister Larry the Cable Guy...

I may submit a prayer request, tell me what you guys think:

Dear Danny Davis Ministries,

I have some questions about your No Evil Oil. I use oils frequently in my massage practice, and I was wondering if this oil would be okay to use during massage sessions. I am frequently hit on by my clients, and I am hoping that the oil can sooth my clients libido's long enough to enjoy a pure and relaxing massage. I am a married woman, and the attention from these clients can be embarassing. Most of my male clients get an erection while I am preforming some of the more intimate massage techniques, and I am desperately seeking some way to avoid the embarassment of the occasional accidental "discharge" that does happen.

I have gone so far to ask some of my clients to "release" their pent up sexual energy before coming to our sessions, but even that does not deter some of the more "appreciative" clients I have.

There is one client in particular that I am interested in using your oil with. I have a sneaking suspicion that he ejaculates on purpose during our sessions. He has told me before that he finds me very attractive and during our sessions he has talked about some very inappropriate things that make me uncomfortable. I have always been hyper-aware of my large chest, but most of my clients simply glance and quickly look away. This particular client has asked me before to massage his "you-know-what" with my breasts. I' have tried to stop his advances, but my boss doesn't want me to lose any clients in this tough economy.

Please let me know if your oil can help me!

Thank you,


The Rihanna Publicity Train Contiues

In breaking Rihanna news...

She misses her butt. The singer, model stated in her best Ms. Cleo accent,  "I'm working on getting [my butt] back, It used to be my favorite body part, but now it's disappeared!" I thought her favorite body part had "enis" in the title. "I'm going to have to start hiking or at least going on the elliptical or walking on an incremental treadmill or horseback riding," she says. "Something that firms the butt." You know what will help you keep your butt, laying off the coke. Her favorite activity, humping and pumping isn't firming her butt? That's right she only poses on treadmills and ellipticals instead of actually working out on them. I am surprised that she knows the word "incremental" and I applaud her handlers for holding up the signs and breaking the word down phonetically for her.
"I'm eating everything," she says. "I've been eating ice cream and fast food and Italian food." Wow how fascinating, truly fascinating. We know she swallows everything and her music can be considered fast food for the mind.

But the singer goat bleater believes the way that she hydrates plays a role too. "I drink a lot of coconut water," says Rihanna, who is the face of Vita Coco and helped develop their tropical fruit flavor. It must taste great with the rum or other alcohol she sips in her pimp chalice.  In addition to the thug passion that she slams on the regular, you know she is a "g". Remember her vita coco campaign that must have aired only in Europe, but she looked like the Little Mermaid who had an orgy with an octopus and a merman and was marooned on the beach. "It balances out all the other toxic stuff I put into my body." Coconut water detoxifies from drugs, junk food, cigarettes, alcohol and sperm now? Drug users rejoice before your next drug test, Rihanna found a way to get a false positive says someone that was dumb enough to get photographed sparking up a doobie on the beach.

She continues to discuss Chris, but this time it's about both of their shiteous songs that are so bad their names need not be mentioned for fear a demon will get it's wings. She went on fag hag Ryan Secrest's radio show and gave a "thought provoking" interview about her rationale for adding Breezy on her track. "I reached out to him about doing a fecal matter song, because that’s the only person that really made sense to do the record. "You know I thought about rappers, and I’ve done that so many times, and the hottest R&B artist out right now is Chris Brown." "We did two records," she said. "One for my fans. One for his fans, and that way our fans can come together. There shouldn’t be a divide. You know? It’s music, and it’s innocent."

There shouldn't be a divide? Rihanna's stupidity is almost mesmerizing and her appearance is so trashy that one would imagine the bottom of a septic tank being more sanitary. How good is the sex to be doing such a role reversal after 3 years of  getting a masters in victimology. If she will  play victim in that upcoming movie that is bound to suck, then she will get an Oscar. She has become quite the little con artist. The only reason she left him was for public pressure, but she did nothing to deserve the elevation of her status to martyr. Her stardom is the result of sympathy that she used to sell albums. Every song, video, interview that touched on this topic or brought up Chris Brown was just to sell more records. Now she is willing to work with Chris Brown again, why? Oh yeah, to sell records. Chris was the first and only person she thought of. Thinking isn't Rihanna's strong point anyway, she's real good at staring blankly, posing, and bleating off key to songs with no meaning.

Any other explanation other than I love screwing the guy and I mean sexually, is dumb. Maybe Chris can star in Takers: I Dated & Survived Rihanna. She couldn't think of any other people to do a song with? She means she couldn't think of anyone that she hasn't slept with to do a song with. It's time for the rotating schedule to go back to number 1. I hope she doesn't release anymore empowerment, women hear me roar music, and I say music loosely, but that ship sailed. She has no respect for her fans but why should she, the Navy will go along with anything she does no matter how stupid or hypocritical. If you point out obvious things that are wrong, you get cursed out on twitter. Her band of cyberthugs will come get you.

Battleship Movie Battleship Game
A movie about Backgammon is more interesting than this...
Rihanna would join a trio with Ahmedenijhad, Kim Jung Un, and Saddam Hussein or try and sell blood to Dracula if she thought she could get publicity. People are waking up to the Rihanna marketing tool and her abortion We Found Love is the only song that's selling. For Rihanna, money is more important than dignity, class and self respect, but she lost that 3 so called eras ago. My only comfort is that she is going down a path for a quick urine soaked death and she would probably plan that for maximum news coverage with a gold encrusted "thug life/ rock and roll/ orgy" casket.

She posts the most inane tweets to her mindless "Navy", like this one: "When they see me with you, wonder what the crowd would say? When they find us together, what will all the people say?"
Here is what people with good hearing say, "you are both talentless hacks who are need in of a good scrubbing." Rihanna's star is falling and she knows this, that's why I am inundated daily with "Rihanna in tight pants, Rihanna in short shorts, Rihanna wears a short dress" headlines. If you are singer and they talk about your clothes more than your music, I would try something else other than singing. Death is a good choice.

rihanna twit twitter pics 3 Rihanna has been on a recent Twitter tear (13 Photos)
Poor Little Side Show Thug

The human luge has also thrown her nappy wig in the ring to play none other than Whitney Houston herself if  a biopic of her life is ever made. The blow up doll stated, "That would be something that I would have to give my entire life to do because I would want to really pull it off," "That's a huge, huge role and whoever does it has to do a good job." She goes on to say, "My first song that I remember falling in love with was a Whitney Houston song -- 'I Will Always Love You, "It was really inspiring and it made me develop a passion for music, so really she's partly responsible for me being here in this industry." Whitney would be spinning in her grave at supersonic speeds if she knew she was responsible for someone repeating one line over and over in a song and whose voice is auto tuned to the point that it sounds like a cyborg from the Terminator franchise. The most important problem that the model will have with this role if the planet spins off it's axis into a black hole, which would kill everything on earth, which would be more pleasurable than hearing Rihanna live, is she can't sing. The only part Rihanna is qualified to play is the later years when Whitney's voice was ravaged from drug and alcohol abuse.

Having the same taste in abusive men, coke use, weird clothes and erratic behavior doesn't make you Whitney Houston. How can she possibly lip sync Whitney's songs when she can't even lip sync her own generic phuckery and they are literally one line and a chorus. All Rihanna can do is tweet photo's of herself flipping off the camera while calling herself a "thug". How many more middle finger photo's can we do to be taken as "edgy"  or unique? How many clothes can we take off to be called a celebrity and not a pathetic joke of an entertainer with mindless fans who still haven't bought her craptastic album.

Speaking of albums, the soulless goat is getting ready for the Seventh bit of garbage to be released like an elephant bowel movement or should I say given away this holiday season. She is again going to screech inane lyrics over top music "collected" in bits and pieces from actual music that was written by musicians sometime in the past and likely from another genre of music. All while prancing around on stage, setting a good example for all those kids she claim to want to inspire, in a clown bikini shaking her tits (while she doesn't have much) and ass gyrating on top of some random male or female dancer. It's a shame that she has to once again take up valuable space on Itunes and Amazon along with other digital stores. Please save the chemical components used to make Cd's and please let her know that she is a terrible singer. No matter how many albums she releases, she will never, ever, ever, ever achieve a number 1 album. Period. She has snatched off the blond weave and replaced it with *gasp* a black one. Plus, she is swagger jacking none other than Willow Smith. It's time for black hair on the rotating hair gimmick calendar. To bad she can't try talent to push her smut, but she isn't as talented as "super head", we know that she can at least read.

This herpes on a stick just won't give it a rest and it will lead to her demise, but to Rihanna and her equally daft fans, she is living the thug life. Instead of murdering bodies she murders hits, namely hers.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Open Letter to Bobby Brown

Dear broke down pimp still trying to reclaim your 80's glory or should I say ex- Mr. Houston,

If you see a real lame whose a shame to the game, point him out

Are you trying to make us hate you now that we are done laughing at you? Are you trying to make us blame you once again for Whitney's demise? You have to be one of the dumbest people on earth to get charged with not one, but two DUI's and a suspended license in a single incident. You are supposed to be touring with the best thing that you ever walked away from, "New Edition", so why you are running around drunk is confusing.

I was sexy about 20 years ago

Bobby, you aren't young, handsome, charming or talented and the only person that wanted to be around you died a month ago. You got outed by a video hoe/ porn star as being homeless pathetic and passed out on her couch. You played second fiddle to Whitney for the entire time you were married in your dysfunctional, bizarro 1980's Bonnie and Clyde except she had the nuts. Are there no more platforms for your inflated ego, daytime drinking habits, and delusions of continuing pop-cultural relevance? Have you run out of ways to embarrass yourself or more importantly your daughter and the other illegitimates running around? Then you claimed that you wanted to get clean and Whitney didn't, what sparked the interest to get clean, Whitney's bank account getting cleaned by you and your stable of bastard children? Oh, but you voluntarily wanted to be Whitney's beard right? You are going to put out a trash book and talk about none other than Whitney, because you know no one cares about you.

Bobby and Whitney
Paging Mr. & Mrs. Houston
Here is an excerpt:

[Their marriage] was doomed from the very beginning… "I think we got married for all the wrong reasons. Now, I realize Whitney had a different agenda than I did when we got married . . . I believe her agenda was to clean up her image, while mine was to be loved and have children."

"The media was accusing her of having a bisexual relationship with her assistant, Robin Crawford. Since she was the American Sweetheart and all, that didn’t go too well with her image . . . In Whitney’s situation, the only solution was to get married and have kids. That would kill all speculation, whether it was true or not.”

I need hip boots to read this...What won't you say to try and recapture that lost fame from the 80's and early 90's outside of making good music? If you wanted to make a family, you could've paid for the 12 kids you already had, so I can't suspend my disbelief this far. If she were a lesbian, Bobby, you would need only one conversation to confirm, Eddie Murphy wouldn't have smashed or you for that matter on the first or the second date. In case you didn't know, gay women don't like men at all and gay men don't like women at all and faking being straight for 15 years is mighty good acting. If Whitney were that good, I would've liked Waiting to Exhale or Bodyguard more. If she wanted to make a family, she could've gone the Michael Jackson route and just rented someone and their sperm. However, if I had a choice between you and a chick, I would go for the sushi platter, because you are and will always be a loser.
Crack is Whack

Good job on your enduring legacy as the "original king of R&B" which must mean rocks and blunts.