Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Lindsay Lohan Fires Lawyer to Avoid Jail

Insane logic I know... 

Fired: Lohan, pictured with Shawn Holley last March in court
Murder Was The Case They Gave Me
Shawn Holley has performed more hocus pocus than the entire cast of Harry Potter by keeping serial criminal and sometimes actress out of her rightful home, jail. Who did the red headed one person crime wave hire to replace her personal Johnny Cochran? A person that had his law license suspended for 5 years back in 1994. So, the person that you have embarrassed every time they have stepped foot in a court room and owe over $300K in legal fees, you fire and go with with a dude that looks like Joe Pesci from Good Fellas. Holley received the news just as she was on the way to the court house to negotiate yet another plea bargain for moron. Mark Heller, the new attorney, is the attorney that represented Snoop, Suge and basically screwed a king pen drug dealer out of ownership of Death Row records while he was imprisoned during the labels hey day.

Replacement: Lohan replaced Holley with New York based attorney Mark Heller
Machiavellian or Just Stupid?
Heller, sent a letter to Holley, stating that he was repping Lindsanity on all criminal matters. The New York Times has called Heller, "a menace to society". Something Lindsay and Heller have in common, don't you think? Isn't that always the way? Being passed over at work, for a person less competent than you, for just a piece of shady garbage with no moral compass who believes he is a cross between Gordon Gecko and Tony Montana.

Lindsay Lohan's legal troubles trivia
I Got This Fool Off Again...
If there is a bad decision to be had, trust and believe Lindsay will choose the bad one. I mean the worst possible decision on the checklist.  None of this would be necessary if Lindsay would stop breaking the law, but what am I saying? That would be like expecting Rihanna to actually write a song and sing it without auto tune, Nicki Minaj to not babble incoherently with whatever personality that decides to magically appear that night, and Jennifer Lopez not marrying a dude to promote an album. The world would spin off it's axis if any of those things happened. Holley has kept Lindsay out of jail for stealing a necklace, which was an automatic probation violation and has made some other criminal investigations just seem to magically disappear. Lindsanity even got praised for being "responsible", (snicker), for completing her community service. I mean if doing the bare minimum after being threatened with incarceration is the definition of responsibility, then we should all be so responsible.

Lindsay Lohan's legal troubles trivia
Walk of Shame

This is a stall tactic and a ploy to avoid jail time because more than likely, Lindsay was going to the pokey tomorrow. She got a new lawyer the day before and now he is going to need "more time to look over the case." Or maybe Shawn Holley stopped   taking oral sex as payments and demanded cash, which Lindsanity is short of. She always claims to be "working", but she hardly works anymore. I mean Liz and Dick? Please...The end result will be the same, her dance card is full and she is going to have to have a sit down with Diabla or someone with tatt's all over their face. Linds likes muff pie, so she should adjust fine to being locked in an enclosed space, licked up and down by a dude name Samantha.

Lindsay Lohan's legal troubles trivia
Mean Girls
Another twist to the story, is that Lindsay is telling her circle, which I'm not sure who that is exactly, that she never wanted to fire Holley. Huh?! She claims she never authorized her rat pack fake gangster rapper lawyer, who has never rapped, to fire Holley. Except for that termination letter she signed...Lindsay claims she wants Holley back, and thinks of Holley as a second mother.

 Since she barely has a real mother, that moves Holley up to first mother. Lindsay supposedly ordered the real live Good Fellas mob lawyer to send another letter rescinding the first letter. This is what happens when your brain is on drugs and you do one dumb thing after another, with an undeserved sense of entitlement. If the crowning achievement of your body of work is "Mean Girls", then you should re-think your career priorities. Even Katie Holmes and Jennifer Maniston have better film resumes and they suck as actresses.
Lindsay Lohan
I Smell Death On You
The criminal justice system used to be about rehabilitation and prevention, but with Lindsay, and others like her, it clearly has failed. We have a person with privilege, where the rules simply don't apply by virtue of being who she is. No normal person would get chance after chance after chance after more chance like in her cases. If anyone needs jail, it's her. She truly needs it or she will never learn anything because she clearly has learned nothing from her legal woes. The public has received the message loud and clear, that if you are wealthy, famous and "beautiful", the rules simply don't apply to you and anything goes. So long as you have your Birkin bag and your custom Louboutin heels, you can get away with murder.

Lindsay Lohan Wax Figure-JTM-027910.jpg
Jail Couture

Aren't we better than this? When you become the Honey Boo Boo of acting, it's time to throw in the towel.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Why the All My Baby Mama's Show Must Be Stopped

My God...
Shawty Lo Family
Black Tragedy

I thought the Kardashians, Real Housewhores of Atlanta, Basketball Jumpoff's or the Honey Boo Boo show was the absolute bottom of the reality show cess pool. Well now all the demon's in hell have gotten it's wings with this premise...the show promises to highlight the life of rapper Shawty Lo, whose songs no one knows, his 11 kids and their 10 mothers, and to chronicle what happens when “the man of the house has to split his affection multiple ways while trying to create order.” Really?! 10 baby mama's?! Oprah you fat cow, I thought you liked to uplift black people, but with this phuckery, how are you not reinforcing the most negative stereotypes about black people that are out there?

This wonderful example of fatherhood responded to the critics, "You can hate all you want to, I didn't ask for it. It just happened. Now that it happened, I'm supposed to turn my back against it," he said. "If I wasn't taking care of my kids then you would really dog me out, but I'm taking care of my kids, providing for my family. I don't know what else to say." He goes on to say, "I take care of all my kids. ... Outta all the 10 baby mamas, I just have problems outta one. That's it," he continued. "She has two kids by me, and she feel like I'm supposed to do more for her kids, and she don't wanna work. She just want me to straight take care of them, but it's all love. I handle it…It's a lot of fathers don't take care of one; I gotta deal with 11.”

Who In the Hell Left the Gate Open

This show can cause the heads of good blacks to explode at the pure ignorance parade. The one-hour special documents Shawty, who could be any random rapper, 31, whose mama named him Carlos Walker, and his relationships with his 11 children, their 10 mothers, and his newest, a 19-year-old girlfriend. Oh, and in the spirit of Flavor of Love, the women on the show will have their identities erased in favor of nicknames like "Fighter Baby Mama,", "First Lady," and "Bougie Baby Mama." OMG...my eyes can't roll hard enough.

This show will take over where Flavor of Love left off, with live unmarried, over-sexed black women and black male sperm donors. Thanks to Oxygen and Oprah, they will make black American life all the more harder. Once again, we have have a show that is an unacceptable embarrassment to the black community and to black women in general. Why can't we stop acting like this? We need to stop acting like this in public. How is it that we have families like the Kennedy's who are legacy's to Harvard, who are in the Senate, writers, etc...but we black people have coons like this? This is how we are portrayed constantly in the media, and we the black community pour our money into idiots like this, (Chris Brown, Rihanna, the entire NBA), when will this minstrel show stop?

We are not all Shawty Lo. He is a blight on black America and America at large. He is black dysfunction at it's highest and a caricature of black American life.

I refuse to watch All My Babies’ Mamas because it looks like a hot-buttered racist and sexist mess. Have I used the word “shitshow” yet?

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Kim and Kanye Sperminated

Kimye has ruined 2013 before it even began...

Vanity Squared
Let's rejoice, a rapper knocking up a trashy woman, how dainty. Don't forget the little skank is still legally married, so let's add a big fat scoop of adultery to this crap soup. Looks like the second coming has arrived at last. My inner feminist is struggling so hard for dominance over the voice that says, "Call me old fashioned, but that sham marriage still isn't over yet, right?" I have nothing against ordinary women making decisions about their bodies in complicated or unconventional romantic/marital situations. But Kim Kardashian really tests me.

Kanye let the joyous news escape in the most thoughtful, sensitive, and eloquent way possible. In front of 5,000 fans, paused in the middle of his set to reveal the big news. "Stop the music for a second. Stop the music," he said. "Can we make some noise for my baby mama right quick?" She is allegedly 12 weeks pregnant.

It's All About Me
I seriously can't think of two people more unsuitable for raising a child other than Chris Brown and Rihanna, than these two. Remember Kim couldn't take care of a cat this summer and had to give it away. Like she doesn't have a slew of psychophants in the house to keep up the cat. All you need is a litter box and some cat food, and she failed in that task. And there will be zero support coming from the extended family who are all just as fucked up as these two. Barring a miracle (or having his/her entire upbringing outsourced to another, unrelated person) this kid is going to grow up with Michael Jackson levels of mental/emotional instability, minus the talent. I hope she knows she can't call it quits after 72 days or give the baby away when it cries too much.

Republicans, this is type of thing that you should be protesting, that the two most arrogant narcissistic people are reproducing. All of the Jesus freak values voters should be irritated by a woman who is still married, albeit for a hot second (and more than likely did so for the $$ and publicity generation), had her pregnancy announced by her 'baby daddy' at a public venue and then becomes a venerated model for motherhood is a sad commentary on a society seeking solace for a lack of genuine role models.

You Know Kim ain't Bey, right?
It is cute that this pregnancy can categorized like a plot point on her mindless show. Kim not legally divorced, gets sperminated to seal the deal with Kanye and overshadow Khloe who dropped her second illegitimate child by her douche bag boyfriend. Kanye is attempting to overshadow the pregnancy of his ex bed warmer Amber Rose and Wiz the scarecrow and be like his bromance brother Jay-Z in the process.

No matter how you slice it, this baby lost in the genetic lottery and therapy for the child should start immediately in utero. I mean who wouldn't want a father that calls their mother a bitch or is proud that she got famous from a sex tape. Seriously, Kanye is proud of that shit. I truly hope that the divorce is granted before she gives birth because legally, Kris could be considered the father. Wouldn't that be a great Maury show? The money trail is overpowering, think about it:

Staged pregnancy pap-shots-- a zillion dollars

Baby photos sold to the highest bidder -- a zillion dollars

Kardashian baby birth special on E!-- a zillion dollars

Weight watchers deal to lose the baby weight-- a zillion dollars

Between Kimye, Jessica Simpson and Kate Middleton's spawn, the media will beat it into my uterus that I'm not pregnant yet, I should be excited about selfish multi-millionaires. I truly hopes this helps her ratings for her show. 

God Watches Over Fools and Children
Kongratulations! I await with great anticipation for the arrival of Khaos, Kreeper, Konehead, Kaptin,  Kleopatra or Karpet. Hope she stays fly while pregnant.