Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Brangelina Finally Get's Engaged, Let Me Wet the Bed

African Babies Rejoice!

Nothing to Grab

After years of co-habitation, playing house, and literally "being fruitful and multiplying" both with kids and ludicrous movies, the Hollywood power couple has decided to inconvenience me by getting engaged. Now, we have to have another insufferable multi-million dollar, over blown, bloated, media frenzied affair that will undoubtedly end in divorce. I mean for 7 whole years, I have been pent up waiting for this announcement. I frantically clipped magazine articles for any hint of an engagement, and all I got was another baby. Yeah, the sooner they get married, sorry, the sooner they have the wedding, then the sooner the media can talk about the strain in the marriage. Oh joy!

Knocked Up and Single, How Dainty

The couples 6 kids have been begging them to do the decent thing and get married. So the kids have a moral compass but the parents don't. Brad is almost 50, I mean go ahead and get married for God's sake. Why do we need grand spectacles? You already had the fairy tale wedding with your first boring wife and you have been impregnating this chick for 7 years, I think a trip to the courthouse will do it. Didn't they say that they wouldn't marry until everyone had the right to get married? Or did they think that the weight of both of their fame would somehow fix wars, hunger, marriage inequality, racial disparity, and disease...That's right, they adopted an African baby, so that sort of evens everything out in the wash, I guess.

So let's get the popcorn ready, because we will have to know the play by play of how boring Jen feels, Angelina's dress, who will design it? How many will she have? Who will make the cake? Who will be invited to the wedding? Will *gasp* Jennifer Anniston be given an invite? Will Angelina's father walk her down the aisle? Will the kids be in the wedding? Where will they live? Where will....blah, blah, blah...

Angelina Jolie
Do I Look Like an Assassin? I have my Assassin  Outfit on...
WHO GIVES A RAT'S BEHIND?! I DON'T CARE ABOUT THESE PEOPLE. THEY HAVE BEEN LIVING TOGETHER FOR 6 OR 7 YEARS, A FAIRY TALE THIS AIN'T. What's more important is why do they keep casting Angelina in roles where she holds guns that are bigger than her, while jumping out of windows kills people with her bare hands? Of course her makeup is perfect. Why is she always a spy, a secret agent, an assassin or something that is not rooted anywhere in reality.

Sexy Bones

Hollywood is crazy, an assassin has to weigh more than 80lbs or can't be killed by a strong gust of wind. She should play Catwoman, but she always plays some variation of herself. She isn't that great of an actress. When was the last great Angelina Jolie movie that didn't heavily rely on explosives to tell the story? Gia, the story where she played a bi-sexual model that died of aids. Everything else has been trash. If I could kill or execute her for a role and I mean medieval style, it would be her half Russian/ Snake handling character in Alexander. She was supposed to be his mother but she never aged. It's like she stayed 30 the entire movie, or maybe I felt my life slowdown from the horribleness that was being displayed on camera from every character. The horse that Alexander rode was the only character that remained unscathed. Then there was Wanted. The movie that should come with the disclaimer. Warning: the laws of physics, gravity and common sense do not apply,but we make rats blow up with peanut butter. So that's a win right?

Suspending your disbelief? But I'm making my "Angelina face"

Let's not even talk about Brad...his best was Interview With the Vampire and mostly because of the passage of time and how gay the Twilight Saga is which makes Interview seem like a masterpiece in comparison.

This is Why Brad Left You for Me
I wish them luck, and longer than the 72 day publicity stunt of big booty hoe Kim K, but to me a box of cornflakes is a box of cornflakes.

If anyone believes that they will be married longer than they have been shacking, please raise your hands...yours down too? 

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