Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Titanic in 3-D...IN GOD'S NAME WHY?!

Yesterday my worst fears were confirmed, the most over hyped, steaming pile 3 hr, waste of life of a movie will be re ran in 3D. Oh the magic...I absolutely despised this movie in 2D so I refuse to watch this in 3D. Back in the late 90's this movie terrorized the world for over a year while Celine Deion yodeled on a rusted bow of a ship during the waning years that MTV played videos.

Here is why Titanic ranks on my who gives a crap meter and belongs in the bottom of the celluloid heap. The story begins with a deep sea team who can "for the first time see inside Titanic" and solve the epic mystery of how she sunk. What epic mystery, she hit an ice burg in the Atlantic because they didn't have lights going out in the water, they were going to fast, ignored ice warnings and were arrogant douches in general. The team is in pursuit of a diamond necklace and they find a safe with a drawing inside instead of the necklace. They show the drawing on TV and it's an old lady in a wheelchair who recgonizes the photo and claims she is the young girl in the picture. Enter the flashback of the young buxom red head who is dreadfully unhappy. You see she is engaged to a handsome wealthy man, but he isn't that nice, but neither is she. They board the ship from England to America first class while Jack (Leonardo Di Caprio's annoying character) and his grease ball friend board third class, basically winning their tickets in a poker game. Lucky game...Rose is a poor little rich girl that is missing excitement, so she decides to kill herself by jumping off the back of the ship. Jack notices her, and in his best Captain Kirk - save a hoe impersonation, talks her down, as she climbs back over the railing, she slips on her dress, he pulls her over safely but to bystanders, it appears as if she has been assaulted. Rose and Jack come up with the "I'm a stupid girl" lie, and they invite Jack for dinner as a thank you for saving her life. The next 2 hrs. are a "I'm rich and your poor, but let's dance together" deal.

Rose and Jack fall in love, he draws her naked, they party like it's 1949 in the underbelly of the ship with all the common riff raff. For some reason Jack get's arrested, it doesn't matter at this point, and the ship hits the burg, which is when the story is actually interesting. Rose breaks into the security office to break the cuffs and off they go. They deal with flooding, locked doors, pretty much any cliche you can think of. She finds her mother and fiance and they convince her to get in the boat. The fiance promises he can get Jack to safety. As Rose is lowered into the abyss of the ocean, she looks up and she jumps up and hops back on the ship. Stupid! Needless to say, this love story continues as the ship goes down.

While in the water, Jack finds the remnants of a door, Rose climbs on it, Jack can't, but they hold hands. Why couldn't Jack get on the door? Was their an imaginary warming device to keep the dude warm? Did Jack have magical powers that allowed him to stay warm. An officer decides to go back and help the people freezing in the water and consolidate some boats. Rose is out of it, but she slowly comes back and reaches over to tell Jack about the boat. Jack is motionless. She realizes he has died and while that stupid Celine Deion song plays and she pries his cold frozen hands away, kisses them and says she will never let go, while she let's him go and he floats down to the bottom of the ocean. She swims to the the dead commanders body, grabs his whistle and blows to get the man in the boats attention.

Is Hollywood this devoid of original thought? First it was Star Wars, now this? It would be better to 3D Terminator or T2, but Titanic? This is a story about 2 good looking people that hookup on a cruise ship but the ship sinks. This story is recreated every spring break up and down the eastern and western coastline. If you thought "Sparta!" from 300 was annoying, try "I'm the King of the world". It seems that Jack was unhappy with Rose's performance in the car, and he chose death rather than spending the rest of his life with her. To add insult to injury, old Rose, dies and she doesn't go to heaven to meet her deceased husband, the person that she had children, made a life with, no, she floats on down to the Titanic to be with the guy she only knew for a week. Seriously?! She only banged him once. The last 80 years of her life meant nothing in comparison to that week. The ghost of her husband should come and "Chris Brown" her for her ghost affair.

This movie is proof that Jesus died in vain and we should leave this story deep in the frozen abyss.

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