Monday, March 12, 2012

Is there a correlation Between Album Sales and Jay-Z's Unattractiveness?

Let's begin this with an obvious truth: Jay-Z is grossly unattractive, he's past his prime in rap, and he looks like an ashy camel.

They say that beauty is only skin deep, but we all know that, that is something that only ugly people say. No one likes his face except Beyowulf and let's be real, she is more interested in his wallet than anything else. How does his face determine his album sales?

Reasonable Doubt- 1996,

Undoubtedly his best album because it was his first one. Jay-Z wisely covered that mug and all we got is a blurry nose and a half lip. I guess even his label knew that's all the world could stomach.This was an undisputed classic and his crowning achievement, this was also listed as Billboards 500 Greatest Albums of All Time.

In My Lifetime- Vol I- 1997

Between clinched fists and a clearly defined 'You wanna go?' taunt in his expression, Jay-Z uses this album cover to establish himself as a real deal street hustler. No more silky white scarves for this baller. He's what? An arm's length away from the viewer? That's too close for comfort and too much ugly. Go where exactly? The plastic surgeon? Let me book that appointment for you camel toe. The album which I frankly don't even remember, was listed as "mundane or embarrassing", or lacking a clear vision. Sound familiar? Vibe said he was inconsistent and threw punches "with the impact of hip hop marshmallows."


Hark Knock Life Vol 2

Shame they didn't cover his face with the album title...But they wisely shot him from a distance and as a result he won a Grammy for best album of the year. To be fair, Grammy's are popularity contests and Eminem won a Grammy for Relapse and apologized for how crappy the album was on his next album. There were good songs on the record, but the second coming it was not.

The Blue Print- 2001

This could be any random black dude in this photo, who knows. We haven't had this much trouble trying to identify a shadowy face, hairline, and ear shape since R. Kelly's infamous "piss on you" sex tape. This was probably the last truly good album where he was actually trying to rap about things other than being a billionaire, how much ice he has, how much money his bitch has, New York and sipping champagne on St. Tropez in LV flip flops in linen pants. Needless to say, this album went double platinum despite being released on 9/11/01.

The Blueprint 2- The Gift and the Curse, 2002

This should've been the curse after the gift. Where is my holy water?  I feel violated in this photo. This camel/ bull dog hybrid looks like he is auditioning for the ugly retard awards along with his "gang" sign. Who knows...This an attempt to look angry, menacing and edgy probably after forcing Rihanna on the world, that would piss anyone off. Maybe Beyowulf was holding out. He looks like his breath stinks in this picture and I swear that I can almost smell it that's how dangerously close he is to me in this picture. This was the beginning of the "I'm the greatest" bloat that we have all come to know, tolerate, accept and pay millions of dollars to listen to while he rips off Biggie's rhymes. This album was considered to be "low rent", bloated and a piece of crap.

The Black Album- 2003

If you squint you can see him. This was probably the wisest marketing technique ever. If you are unwilling to change you appearance with surgery, cover that crap up with black, it hides everything. All you see are the ashy lips and the nose but the Clubber Lang anger eyes are gone and now balance is restored in the world. This album is his top selling album of the decade and sadly his last real "rap" album.

Kingdom Come- 2006

This album, which was to be this douche's comeback album reminds me of bloodshed and fear. He pretended to retire after he ran out of rhymes to steal. The camel is too close for comfort in this shot and lyrically he was murdered by Nas. Yes my love, Super Ugly does fit here.
This album was a display of complacency and was one if not his worst album.

American Gangster- 2007

 Jay seems to be late on the train of emulating gangsters as most rappers and now pop artist do (see Rihanna's stupid pepto pink "thug life tatt" on her knuckles), but here Jay seems to have gotten on board a little late. About 20 years late. Nevertheless, all we see is an outline of his ghost like body with a weak attempt to be a godfather like character. He was hailed as being a poet and that he had great wordplay. If his competition was Soulja Boy, then that's like being the smartest guy in the room full of people with down syndrome.

The Blueprint 3- 2009

Jigga Man is 100% out of the picture and this was his most successful album ever. He seems to have raided a local high school band and stacked up white instruments, probably trying not scare off the white folk, because let's face it, this was a hip pop cross over album. There was nothing particularly hood or street about this album other than him saying the same b.s. he has said in the last 30 albums he has released. It's mediocre at best, but it was a commercial success.

As long as Jigga keeps his camel face off the album cover he will sell and sell out quicker than MC Hammer in gold lame genie pants at the neighborhood swap meet. He got 99 problems and his face is definitely one.

No comments: