The Simple Minded's Savior: Open Letter to Future

Dear Future,

Is This 2 Chainz? Nah, I got on only One Chain.

I hate you so much. I can't tell if your music is an actual attempt at rapping or basically a trolling song to get people to complain about how terrible you are on rap forums, twitter and facebook pages. There is not one thing about your music that is redeemable, not one. I down Rihanna mercilessly for her lack of discernible talent, but she has infectious beats (none she writes or produces), the minute her voice begins, the song goes to hell. I heard that your mix tape Purple Soda was actually good in comparison to the auto tuned, robotic repeating of "Tony Montana" over and over in a song cleverly named Tony Montana. How do you have one of the top albums in the country? You look like 2 Chainz, but rap like, someone with a severe learning disability.This is unreal, absolutely unreal...

Radio and labels have an uncanny way of turning shit into sugar and each fake accent, and corny line that makes no sense, makes me die a slow death or pray for one. I even had the misfortune of watching one of your videos, talk about an assault on eyeballs. Slow motion, glamorizing street life, having a random light skinned video hoe that's just sort of there and serves no function while you start to walk with fire popping up behind you, like we haven't seen that a million times already but in actual good songs.I truly believe that you are a functional retard or you are a genius playing that character from Shine, hoping to keep expectations low so you can then wow us. From your lyrics, my expectations can't get lower than a pregnant ants stomach.

Call Me Step or Fetchit

“I need a driver/ To drive me round, how I maneuver/ Muthafuckin feel like I’m in Jerusalem.” (I thought you were a so called Cuban refugee at least if the lyrics to Tony Montana are to be taken literally, but I assume this is a clumsy metaphor for his importance and the grave danger he is placed in, it's almost like driving in the Middle East. Somehow I don't believe he knows where Jerusalem is on a map).
“I got you attitude in Venus/I got you begging to catch me semen.” (I don't even know what this is supposed to mean).

"I take over the streets, fresh off the banana boat" (so, you are a Cuban refugee, I know they are light and dark skinned, but I'm sure you are from Georgia. Not really Cuba.)

"I come straight from the east, where niggas split your canteloupe" (The East? Cuba? Central American Cuba? He is really from Goergia, last I checked that was the SOUTH. D'oh! Did maps change or the continents shift and I didn't get that memo? Stop watching Ice Age: Continental Drift for your geography lessons. OK.)

"You tell me what you want of me I'm coming with a gang of dope" (You were high when you wrote this)

"My cigar full of loud" (Wasn't Rihanna's annoying album called Loud? Smoking it, instead of listening to it, is sound advice)

"I'm laced up to the f-cking fo' (Is this a number, a place, a day, some abstract object?)

"A Porsche Carrera, Panamera, 911"

"I do the whole dash, dropping all cash" (Uh Huh, dropping the cash where? I thought you dropped off the drugs and kept the cash? Maybe I watched a different Scarface).

"Gutta to the death of me I'm sticking to the recipe" (So the plan is to become addicted to coke, estrange yourself from your mother, sister and wife, have a business partner murdered, kill your best friend, and get shot in the back after you rave from a cocaine induced mania. Sounds like a recipe for success, Good luck with that).

"Everything we do, we put Versace on the sofa's" (So that's everything you do you have an upholsterer put Versace on the sofa? So you drop a deuce in the morning, we get new furnishings?)

Got My Homo Thug Swag On

"The money got me heat, like I took a hit of coka" (How cute, coka and sofa rhyming.)

"My life is a movie, I gotta stay focused" (If your life is like a movie and you are comparing it to a movie, then how are you focused? I just want to know. That seems like that's the definition of unfocused.

"My white bitch trippin she say aint playin' fair"(White bitch, I would love to be the lucky bitch on this Prince Charmings arm, he seems like a great catch).

"I'm bout to cop a tiger and put it in the castle" (Kidnapping a tiger and putting in the castle...I hope it eats you.)

"Freebandz accompany it so nigga it dont matter aye" (Is this some sort of cancer yellow band or something? You know what I don't even care).

"I wear Gucci, I wear Bally at the same damn time" (OMG, you are mixing brands? Why are the fashion gods so cruel to allow this injustice to happen or maybe you are just so cool because you do it at the same damn time. I threw up and cut the radio off at the same damn time when I heard this song.)

"On the phone, cooking dope, at the same damn time" ( So basically you can do two things at once...congratulations).

The future is here - future-rapper Photo

Im and Ass-stro-NOT

"I'm on Pluto I'm on Mars at the same damn time" (Hmmmm....that's quite an achievement considering Mars is the first planet of the solar system and Pluto is a planetoid hundreds of light years away. I hate being literal here, but lets try to operate within the confines of reality).

"Talking on the iPhone, sipping out the Styrofoam" (Only the best alcohol goes in my white styrofoam cups. How is he always talking about his chains, popping bottles, cars, but he is drinking out of a styrofoam cup? Well, he should take it a step further and make it a brown paper bag, just to make it a little more hood).

"I see a bunch of clones" (Oh yeah, this is the most truthful line this person has ever uttered in his overly abused auto tuned, non rapping mouth. Every artist is either a clone or a rip off of someone else with more talent, more perspective, more substance from a bygone era that the lowest common denominator has either never heard of or too lazy to stop the download from Itunes).

Your auto tune gargle delivery is just awful and is almost as annoying as Nicki Minaj's multiple personality, tourette syndrome hip pop. People say what's important is what is being said in rap thats more important than how it is actually being said. I disagree, but in your case, I don't understand a word you are saying. Every song should come with subtitles just like Wheel of Fortune has for the hearing impaired. By the way, your rap style, if you can call it that, sounds like you were once hearing impaired and just got some type of hearing implant, and just learned to talk a few years ago and haven't quite mastered enunciation.

Music has been dead for a while now, I didn't think that someone could beat the bloated dead horse of mass marketed, commercialized add water songs, but you somehow made the impossible, possible.