Thursday, July 7, 2011

Date Justin Timberlake at your own Risk

Beard Contract Renewed!

How many casualties has their been at the hands or penis of Justin Timberlake? Britney hasn't gotten off the crazy train. Cameron Diaz, and now Jessica Beard Biel. Am I the only one that never bought his so called heterosexuality routine? Just like Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and Usher, I find Justin Timberlake's hetero status to be highly suspect. I love skinny balding metrosexuals. Rumor has it that she and the blond, nappy headed black hole are back together. Really?! Jessica...Do you not have anything better to do than play Penfold to Danger mouse, but a gay danger mouse. Seriously, Tom Cruise is more  out of the closet than Timberlake and his b.s. attempt at "acting". It's like he sucks the energy out of his girlfriends so he can produce or star in yet another craptastic movie or make an album of generic songs that sounds the same all produced by his overweight boyfriend Timberland who makes songs for Nelly Furtado and her songs sound exactly the same as Justin's. It's like a double disc released at different dates with the same beat that sounds like one long migraine inducing song. He drags these "feaxmances" along until his acting star eclipses his victims / girlfriends. Shave the beard and drum up a fresher appearance, if it's at all possible.

OK, let me save everyone their hard earned dollars (and I swear that I haven't seen this movie nor will I):

They each break up with someone special...

Go on a bunch of crappy dates with a variety of psychos (welcome to my world)

Look at each other and say, "hey, we're friends. Let's just have sex with each other." (that seems to be a theme with the movies now, nothing else to write about)...

One day, one of them (I'm guessing JT) starts having feelings for the other. (this is the age of female empowerment, and a regurgitation of every other lame "romantic comedy of the 2000's, the lame romantic comedies of the 1990's would have traditional gender roles. Just breaking down doors...)

There's an argument in the street after one of them (again, I'm guessing JT) confesses their true feelings. (Again, we are having non traditional gender roles, Rihanna and crotch scratching/ dancing is just doing it big for all women. I'm proud and will be proud whenever I have a daughter to have these shining examples of empty sex where the woman gets to be the pig and the dumper. Girl Power!)

They stop seeing each other for awhile (cue shots of the two of them sadly looking out the window, slow, terrible pop music with equally vacuous lyrics to go along with the vacuous plot. This is why America is sliding further into decline).

They get together at the end. Music swells as they kiss in the street/at some one's job/in the rain.

The End

You're welcome, public.

Barf bags under the seat...

I just learned who Mila Kunis is, so that means she is a bona fide celebrity in the height of her fame and at risk of the Justin Timberlake curse. DON'T DO IT MILA! Go back to McCauley Caulkin, take the risk, but stay away from this sparkly vampire. He will suck your life force and your career will be over. I'm sure this movie sucks and this Jessica Biel beard reunited and it feels so good story, is just PR to cover for the fact that this movie sucks. Did Jessica's beard contract get renewed? Jessica Beard is bigger box office poison than Jennifer Maniston except she has a better body and doesn't cry every interview. But do not get it twisted, this heifer is pathetic becuase she went from a blazing career to being a red carpet ornament as soon as she got with this brillo pad looking chia pet. I did love "What goes around comes around" and "Cry me a River", but everything else he does is just awful. Who buys ____space which is the lame attempt to rebrand myspace. No one but serial killers, whoring artists, kids that are looking to be kidnapped and adults looking to be set up by "perverted justice" and featured on "to catch a predator" are the only one's on myspace. No one is on my space anymore. We need to get Rihanna to be his beard, but we know she is the freak of the century and she can't pleasure herself since his sexuality is in question. Anyone that cries on national T.V. by being punked by Ashton Kutcher of all people, is highly suspect.
Of course Jessica believes she is too pretty to get roles...don't make me laugh...It's Justin! He trades the beard in every few years because they find out he isn't quite on the straight path, he's more like on the Usher path who is trying to be Frank Sinatra yet he is more like Liberace. Twinkle twinkle twinkle. You can almost feel the flames whenever he is on screen. His relationships equal that show on LOGO 1 gay 5 girls. Well sir or madame, not sure what to call you, I am not convinced and know what you are, that's why Britney got married for 56 hours in a pair of ripped jeans. She wasn't being satisfied and being a beard ain't easy, at least that what I assume. No one she takes anti-depressants by the truck load .

When Gene Simmons is more monogamous and a better family man than you are, well...
Mila, run away! You will be dating Dougie Houser! Jessica please stop being desperate and pathetic. You aren't that pretty that you can't roles. You aren't prettier than Halle Berry in her prime or Angelina Jolie. You aren't prettier or more talented than Angela Bassett, she's just the wrong color. I mean you are pretty, but Emma Watson is getting roles over you, it's got more to do with talent over looks. A movie is coming out with Jamie Fox and Martin Lawrence in drag reprising their roles as Sheneneh and Wanda called "Skank Robbers", so that seems to kill that theory doesn't it Ms. Beard.
Justin, go date Adam Lambert. He's fabulous, looks feminine and has the thing you like, you know..., since you can't put down the candy and let the little boys go. Jessica, Charlie Sheen is looking for some new "goddesses" I think he will take you with arms wide open. Hollywood has said "no thanks", just like Katie Holmes.
Justin, you never brought sexy back, at least hetero sexy...maybe metro sexual down low sexy, but that went out in 2006. You are so deep in the closet you are still finding Christmas presents from 1985. No man should primp more than me. There is only one diva in a relationship and that's me.
Have fun Peter suck on so many levels. Jennifer please turn from the dark back side of the force. Mila for your career! Rihanna please date Justin then she can blissfully disappear and the time of terror will go away and we can stop hear the bleating goat sounds. I hope to see Timberbeard on season 4 or 5 of Rupual's Drag Race.

Please Sashay Away!

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