Thursday, July 7, 2011

Jennifer Anniston- America's Still Bored

She is such a sad sad case.

I'm Sexy, Really I am!

Can we move on from Brad dumping Jennifer Anniston? No, we can't. The most interesting thing in this woman's life is her marriage to Brad Pitt and years later and with every movie release she tries to resurrect this dead corpse of a headline just like her career. Mariah's song "Obsessed" was about Brad and Jennifer, and it's from Brad's perspective. Every time this loser gets on T.V. she practically passes out Kleenex and asks for free therapy from whoever is crazy enough to interview her. Who wants to watch Jennifer Anniston wear variations on the colors of black and white, her hair is basically a grown out "Rachel", and she plays scripted less dull versions of herself (if that's possible) while people attempt to try to remember why she got famous and why our parents were so lazy as to not drop us off in front of a camera and just let us say random non funny things and we get paid millions of dollars and get named "one of the best actresses in Hollywood". If she's the best, then good lord what does it take to be the worst? Her best dramatic role was in "Along Came Polly", but again, she only plays the same mind numbingly dull person, which is herself in every movie. Now you can see why Brad got on Angelina as quick as he could, he was bored stupid...Angelina is a freak and we all know it. Can you imagine the movie that was Brad and Maniston's sex tape? "It's a Horrible Life." Anyone that wears a vial of Hill Billy Bob Thornton's blood around her neck and tells people about it like that's something normal people do, like eating oatmeal every morning...well you can imagine what type of tricks she knows in the boudoir. Flying midgets, red flashing lights, disco balls, and lips that only black men know about and white women have just discovered they need to pay for.... Brad just up and left Jennifer Anniston after years of being Dumb and Dumber with matching highlights to getting a freak that's got to have it. He traded up for adopting the entire continent of Africa but he is having the time of his life making all of those babies with the skank that cleaned up to become a sex symbol rather than drinking milk shakes and having pillow fights with someone who can't act her way out of a paper bag.

She truly found her four leaf clover in "Friends" considering the show was as drab as she is, now it's like every interview or magazine cover it's a desperate attempt at showing us she isn't pathetic and that she's sexy. Sorry Maniston, you aren't sexy, talented or interesting. Neither is Jolie anymore, she's starting to age, plays ridiculously butch characters for someone that weighs a buck 05 soaking wet, and anyone who believes it's possible to curve a bullet, that it can pass through brain matter in a circular plane, continue on that plane without losing speed without the law of gravity having any effect on it should be institutionalized or they belong in the tea party. Maniston is even duller than Gwyneth Paltrow and less talented, if that's even possible. I think Shallow Hal or Shakespeare in Love were her best in her resume and that's not saying a lot. Again, why didn't my parents take me to Hollywood when I was a child? I can stare blankly at a camera and say " I love Jacob or Edward, why doesn't he love me, and all I want is to be a sparkly gay vampire." over and over or get breast implants, weave and run in slow motion while non descript CGI robots fight in the background. I can wear a bedazzled bathing suit, dye my hair crazy colors, hump a mic stand and repeat the same line over and over which today is called a song, call myself a diva and win grammy's. These are things that I can do...but no...I chose the education route and enjoy the fact that I know that Neil Armstrong walked on the moon or that Paul Revere warned the Americans and not the British with bells and whistles while riding a horse, eventhough our elected leaders seem to have ignored willfully or never learned these annoying facts of American history and reality. Sadly, I'm broke, single, jobless (I didn't dumped for a freak), these American idiots are rich and this lame-o who should only be allowed to couch serf stars in flop after flop in yawn worthy romantic non comedies playing a smarter more charming, tanorexic version of Sarah Palin.

I think her post divorce movie "The Breakup", was her attempt to exorcise her relationship with Brad with a more funny , pudgier yet less attractive leading man Vince Vaughn. No matter who you get, unless it's David Beckham, you are only going down. Posh will draw blood over Becks and I don't blame her. I would take heifer's out over David Beckham, no matter how many nannies he's rumored to be cheating with, we can work it out. Jennifer is trying to be Meg Ryan minus the range, aka the big sweaters, fluffy hair, nose scrunchy thing. Let's not even talk about vomit stain, homophobe racist with a "nigger pass" John Mayer who got outed by King of blogger trash/ Lady Gaga's personal nut sucker Perez Hilton.

p.s. John, Eminem doesn't even have this so called pass, just because you appeared on the Chappelle show and are friends with some over the hill rappers, doesn't qualify you or will ever give you this fictional pass. I don't know who has this pass or who can dispense it. If any white man deserves it, it will be Maury Povich over you. You don't even sleep with black chicks, what fumes are you sniffing? Being friends with Snoop doesn't give you a "hood pass" since he hasn't put out a decent rap album since "Doggystyle", THAT WAS HIS FIRST ALBUM! Snoop want's to be Bishop Don Juan and a professional roaster on comedy central. How much do you want to bet that he will be at Charlie Sheen's roast with that stupid pimp cup of his high as a kite and still unfunny. I hate Snoop with all my heart and soul. I digress...

 The biggest joke that Jennifer tells is how she wants to turn the page from the Brad and Angelina thing even though she talks about it every interview, just like our favorite talentless hooker/ Red headed goat does about Chris "beat her down" Brown. That's comedic gold Maniston! Seriously...that's funnier than any of your movies. How can you move on, if you continue to talk about the incident continuously? Enough is enough. Angelina and those lips won, you lost. You are a loser, the world knows. You are a loser in men, the box office, fashion, you have no personality, and you use every interview as a therapy session. It's a shame that Oprah is off the air, but Mufasa Tyra will take her place, hell the chickens on the view will be happy to therapize you, granted nothing they say makes a bit of sense and Elizabeth Hasselbeck has the i.q. of a tube of lip gloss.

Maniston: If you want to turn the page, stop talking about Brad, he's being fruitful and multiplying with great bliss and SHE AIN'T YOU. Your personal life, if you can say you had one, has been non existent for how many years? Stop turning the page backwards!

 You reek of desperation in addition to non talent.

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