Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Independence from Stupid Royal Coverage

July 4 1776, Independence from Great Britain

Once upon a time a Horse Prince married a beautiful young ballerina and all of her dreams came true. She married into a family that suffered from generational inbreeding and mind numbing protocol. The Princess was cheated on for a decade by a person who never loved her and the person that was her replacement bragged that she came from a long line of mistresses. Shoot for the stars...The princess became bulimic to cover her pain, had two cute boys, had no support from her new found family, lost her identity, divorced the horse prince, was stripped of her royal title was hounded by the paparazzi and eventually died in a tragic accident with her boyfriend. Her former family had to be cajoled into flying the Royal flag at half mast under threat of losing the monarchy at large by the Prime Minister. Not really the fairy tale ending that every girl read about in Cinderella.

The world was terrorized late fall with non stop details and non stories of William and Kate's upcoming nuptials while those of us with real lives had to suffer with fake news about Kate's ring, who is going to design the dress, the endless blue dress and blue ring replicas, who is on the guest list, who isn't on the guest list and how they possibly feel about the snub. I sat and wondered what country I lived in? Is this the UK? Do any of us really care about William and Kate? What about the wonderful announcement that they wouldn't have servants? Who are they or the UK media trying to fool? Should I feel like the Prince and the Duchess are just like me struggling to pay my health insurance premium or my car note? No! They are running around seeing their "subjects" collecting flowers and smiling for cameras while I roll my eyes and wonder over and over, why do I care where they vacation, what they ate on the vacation, who they spoke to, what they ate AGAIN, what color underwear they wore and any other useless information about useless people who draw welfare from the state. Then came this insufferable Lifetime movie about William and Kate's courtship in college and the 5 years they lived together that no one watched but the desperate or brainless, but again I had to ask who gives a flying fig about this wedding? How romantic, shacking up...that's as interesting as a pregnancy test.

Did I really need to see William's flashy uniform apparently inspired by Michael Jackson? Did I really care what anyone mouthed to one another in the cathedral? Oh and the riveting hat coverage, that was just the highlight of my life. I can't begin to convey how fascinating the hat coverage was, it was like eating a cardboard box ran under a faucet. How about how many dresses Kate changed into and what her sister wore, do we really care? This was maddening...How did Fergie feel about not being invited to the wedding and her feel sorry for me tour and again, why do any of us care? Kate is cute, William has a bad comb over, he could be Donald Trump, he could be the future King, money talks and b.s. walks and let me tell you, I'm not buying into the fantasy that was sold 20 years ago.

We dumped this crap in the Massachusetts Bay over 200 years ago, so why must we see a bunch of inbred gazelle's smile and wave while wearing stupid hats parading around like a bunch of douches pretending to be down to earth. I would rather watch posh try and hide her baby bump only because she weighs 5 pounds and she still wears sky high louboutins but mostly because she is married to David Beckham. Outside of a  half naked David Beckham on a Billboard, Britain has nothing to offer and I am so tired of the continual updates on William and Kate on their boring trek across the British Isles.

So please stop with the no news, News about the future king and his wife and how she is open to have children. That's kind of the point of marriage...unless things have changed...at least in England. No more news about how Kate's dress has been knocked off and the knocked off dress doesn't look anything like Kate's dress, or any other mind numbingly boring facts about a boring family. Save it for a boring game of scategories or better yet trivial pursuit, kiddie edition. For God's sake please stop it!


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