Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Wedding Songs to Doom Your Marriage

Have you ever been to a wedding and witnessed the bride and groom or the guests dancing to songs that have no business being played and evidence that we as American's don't listen to lyrics. Some songs are a foreshadowing that the marriage will sink faster than Eddie Murphy, Martin Lawrence and  Tyler Perry in morbidly obese drag on the Titanic. Here is the DO NOT PLAY LIST in no particular order:

1. Hokey Group Dances. (This varies for black and white weddings)
That includes YMCA, Macarena, Electric Slide, Cha Cha Slide, Locomotion, Chicken Dance, Limbo Rock. Every one of these songs should be banned for all eternity from weddings and relegated to kids birthday parties and any DJ that plays any of these songs should not only not be paid but be shot.

2. I will Always Love You - Whitney Houston/ Dolly Parton
People may not be aware of the lyrical content of this song, but this is a song about breaking up and not standing in the man's way. Why would anyone pick this as a first dance? She sings "bittersweet memories is all I'm taking with me", and that's what we choose to solidify our love? Yeah...

3. My Heart will Go on - Celine Dion
This is the worst offender and mood killer that I have ever seen and heard. She's singing the song to her dead boyfriend. Dead! Plus, to solidify the image, we have a movie about death to go along with it, and still we choose this blasphemy as a first dance song...How many people are divorced that danced to that crap? Probably everybody that ever danced to that song. Why? It's a song about the death of a relationship!

4. Who Let the Dogs Out- Baha Men
Where to Begin...The lyrics are "who let the dog's out, woof, woof, woof". If that isn't bad enough, then let me explain the meaning, you got guys hanging out at the club and they see ugly chicks. Someone says, "man look at all these ugly chicks, who let the dogs out?" Why would anyone play this song at a wedding reception? Unless someone is trying to imply that the women that are in the bridal party are ugly, this is a song that should not be played, it should be buried in the back yard.

5. Sexual Healing or Let's Get it On - Marvin Gaye
Yes, this is a great song and Marvin Gaye oozes sexual energy in his lyrics. However, the image of the bride and groom and their marital relations will be solidly implanted in the minds of the guests of the wedding and personally, I don't care to think of what type of unholy hell the honeymoon will bring. Overtly sexual songs should be avoided otherwise you need the jaws of life to get tantric images out of the minds of everyone.

6. White Wedding- Billy Idol
Yet another misleading song. This song is an anti marriage song, but in the 80's this was somehow turned into a wedding song for "rockers". People like Heather Locklear and Valeri Bertinelli danced to this song. Guess what, they are divorced and should take turns on wife swap.

7. I Will Survive- Gloria Gaynor
Not only have I heard this at a million weddings, but I've also seen it on lists of "popular wedding songs!" People, it's a song about surviving a horrible breakup! Don't play this at your wedding, it's DISCO!

8. Every Breath You Take – Police
How many of us have heard the wonderful ripoff that Puff did when Biggie died? He tapped danced all the way to a law suit from Sting and he introduced people to a great song with a great bass line. Unfortunately this song is about a stalker and is the furthest thing from being romantic. "every breath you take, I'll be watching you." no boo boo...it's time for a restraining order and stiletto in the nuts.

9. Tainted Love- Soft Cell
This should be self explainatory...this is a cool karoake song, and that Levi's commercial made this song popular again. Rihanna's robotic goat like essence destroyed it with S.O.S, and even that should be avoided unless you want to burst ear drums. But, who want's to hear a song about being taken advantage of and having to get far away from a psycho chick? That just screams long term.

10. My Humps- Black Eyed Peas
Succubus Fergie and Will.I.Scam along with the 2 random black guys that just stand on stage wrote the ode to gold digging with this non sense. It literally makes no sense how the girl with no curves sings a song about having curves and by virtue of having those curves she has obtained clothes and jewelry. How anyone over the age of 10 thinks this crap is "good" is beyond me, but this being played at any wedding but a jumpoff's is just wrong.

11.  Girl You Know It's True- Milli Vanilli
Why? Why? Why? There was nothing true about this group, so why would we play a song by a fake group singing about "true" feelings at a wedding? The irony is just to great...

12.  Get Ready for This by -2 Unlimited
Many a sports arena and bimbo dance squad has jiggled to this annoying song. This has appeared at some weddings, mostly after too many drinks have gone out. This is wrong, wrong, wrong and wrong. Get ready for what? This again should be left on the basketball court, not on the ballroom floor.

13.  Can’t Touch This- MC Hammer
No one should touch it. Nothing is more pathetic than seeing my drunk uncle get up and attempt to do the running man or the typewriter when this song comes on. Imagine people yelling "uh oh, hammertime!" It's time to go.

14.  Thong Song- Sisqo
Just what a wedding needs, a song by a blond queen with nonsensical lyrical content about women's underwear. He must be talking about his thongs.

15.  It Wasn’t Me -Shaggy
One of the best songs about infidelity that I have ever heard. No matter what the woman says, the answer is always, "It wasn't me". Not really a recipe for fidelity is it?

16. You Oughta Know- Alannis Morisette
Balls everywhere were held a little tighter and sphincters restricted when this song came out. This song is about a bad breakup and a feminine rage unleashed upon the world. This song was primal, raw and when men  mess up, most women still play this song. No doubt this song is loaded on ipods across the nation, it still doesn't belong at a wedding reception.

17. I’d Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That) by Meatloaf
Nice...place limitations on our relationship and our love. So why is the title of the song, I'd do anything for love? Just name it what you won't do, that would just be simpler. Why even get married? You know the being there for each other for richer or poorer, through sickness and health as long as we live, but I might have an objection to the sickness part. I think I can hold on for about 10 years or at least until a debilitating disease takes his mobility. That's basically what this is saying, insane in every way.

18.  Makes Me Wonder- Maroon 5
This song is about cheating and just not giving an eff anymore, but the beat is fun.

19. Hangin Tough- New Kids on The Block
This group is the bane of my existence. I had the misfortune of going to a predominately white school, so you can imagine the hysteria of young pre-teens in the early 90's that loved these pre gay backstreet, __________insert boy band here. They were everywhere and super annoying, so hearing any new kids song is not nostalgic but nauseating. Images of stone washed jeans, mullets, hypercolor shirts, and high tops doesn't say life time.

20.  Power of Goodbye- Madonna
One of her better songs, she doesn't sound like a drowned cat and she is dressed age appropriately in the video. However, the song is obviously about breaking up and finding inner strength. Not really good for joining with someone physically and legally.

21.  Area Codes- Ludacris
Something about reading your “whorescope” and eating “whorederves” may not go over real well at a reception. This cut is especially bad if the groom travels a lot for work. Although, if Shawn Kemp ever got married I think there’s no way the couldn’t play this in honor of his many children across the country. Shouts out to Tiger Woods, Shaq and Kobe. Honorable mention will more than likely go to Chad Ochocinco.

22.  You Know I'm No Good- Amy Winehouse
This is a song where there is a warning up front and you still sign up? You deserve what you get if it doesn't work out.

23.  Papa Don't Preach- Madonna
Basically this sounds like a shotgun wedding in the making. Not really something that I would like to hear, especially if that were the actual scenario of the wedding. At least we can take comfort that her old stuff is better than her new stuff.

24.  When a Man Loves a Woman- Michael Bolton
This song is about a man loving an evil witch of a woman. It seems though that men tend to marry the evil psychotic women, so it may be appropriate.

25.  Nothing Compares to You- Sinead O'Connor/ Prince
The sentimentality is sweet, but this song could cause mass suicide or calls to the nearest shrink because it's so depressing. It needs a xanax or a valium asap.

Every song is the kiss of death to your marriage and will make your reception tackier than irridescent green cumber buns.

1 comment:

Meowchies Hideout said...

Nice collection of wedding songs! ♥ I could add these to my very own favorites =) Thank you!