Tuesday, September 25, 2012

My Top 20 Worst Songs of 2012...So Far

God, Make It Stop!
It's Only September, but music seriously churns out the most wretched garbage. Rihanna and Taylor Swift are defecating another album of auto tuned nothing with 5 chord progressions this fall, so let me go ahead and provide my list of crap music thus far:

20.  Call Me Maybe- Carly Rae Jepson
I truly don't understand why this girl is around, or what she's doing, but she needs to go back to Canada and try again. She's just awful, maybe just a step above Rebecca Black and I mean barely.

19. What Makes You Beautiful- One Direction
This group makes the Jonas Brothers seem straight. They don't sing, dance, they just go to the hamper, put on flannel shirts, skinny jeans, green pants, and cardigans and stand on stage. Not to mention, all of them have those mod douche bag hair cuts where one side is swept to one side of their head. They have no stage presence, it's like the cast of American Pie, set to music, minus the funny little monkey or the pie rape. But, there is plenty of ear rape.

18.  Laserlight- Jessie J featuring David Guetta
Anything with David Guetta is pretty much the mark of death. Jessie J is a great pop artist with a beautiful and great style. She is one of the few singers that can actually sing without assistance of a computer. But this song is heavy synth beats, boring lyrics, and long periods of music to fill the bars. David Guetta is the Uwe Boll of music.Yeah, I said it UWE BOLL.

17. Whistle- Flo Rida
How clever...can I blow his whistle? He says he will show me how to do it? Where have I heard this before?  Whistle while you twerk back in the 90's? Is that what he is talking about? Yeah, he does even say "whistle while you twerking" in the lyrics, so that's really what we doing now? Ripping off the Ying Yang Twins? That was a far superior song to this. In the video, this fool is wearing a sweater on a beach, in addition to wearing sunglasses at night. There were girls dancing in 90's era striped dresses plus cheesy pinatas set up Mexican theme. Did I mention we were on the beach?! Come on...

16. Turn Out The Lights- Future
What happens when you cross a retarded person with auto-tune and give him a record deal? You get this song. It has a weird reverb and he yells "LIGHTS" for some reason. It's quite odd and terrible.

Truly Suffering
15. Payphone- Maroon 5
Pedestrian lyrics, pedestrian beat and they threw in some profanity to be avant garde but the song is tragically dull. Pretty much like all Maroon 5 songs, which should be marooned on Saturn 5. They even decided to animate the video, which is so fresh and new. Well...it was 30 years ago, when Aha! did it with "Take On Me."

14.  Turn Me On- David Guetta featuring Nicki Minaj
Why? This song makes no sense. Who told Nicki to sing? She isn't really...I listened to this song in the salon for months before I realized that this was Nicki Minaj, I seriously thought this was some non descript pop singer. If the intent was to sound like everyone else and sing about nothing in particular, then Nicki, you succeeded. This song was dreadful, stupid, boring and just eh...

13.  Girl Gone Wild- Madonna
I have to admit that video with the guys in the heels and all the other images were cool, indeed something the new school pop copycats like Gaga and Rihanna will inspire to imitate in a few years when they think we have forgotten. (Well Gaga, because Rihanna is running on fumes). But the lyrics are terrible, we expect so much more from Madge, not "hey-ey-ey-ey, girls gone wild, girls gone wild." She did better when she bleated Like A Virgin twirling around in a cropped top with rubber bracelets.

12. Turn Up the Music- Chris Brown
Oh God...turn this down...it's terrible. I know that he thinks he is MJ reincarnated, but this is ridiculous. The chorus, the tribal "whoa, oh, oh," it's cringe inducing or gag reflex inducing, I think some of my egg's dried up. Explain to me, how Mr. Brown is always auto-tuned to death, even when he's singing in the studio? It's like listening to Robo Cop sing.

11. Right By My Side- Nicki Minaj (Chris Brown)
So this is the "No Air" 2.0. Except instead of a real singer, we have 2 auto tune crooners who can't do anything live. 2 monkeys for the price of none. Again, who told Nicki she could sing? She looks like Kahn from Star Trek, You know the Wrath of Kahn. How did Nas get sucked into this phuckery? Nas can rap! Nicki, why are you wearing a shirt with a panda on it? How old are you? I forgot, you like to dress like a pre-schooler, then talk about who you sleep with, how long your bank is and strippers. Stupid as hell.

10.  Starships- Nicki Minaj
Those of us that had the misfortune of actually listening to Pink Friday knew Nicki was Pop, but with this travesty, there was no denying it any longer. This song, if you can call it that, is truly a confusing mess of commercialized fecal matter served to the mindless masses who doesn't know better. This song should've been a moment of shame for her and her label or anyone possessing this album.

9. You Da One- Rihanna
Probably one of the most irritating songs she has released to date, and that's an accomplishment because every song is annoying. "You da one, you da one, I think about all day, eh, eh, eh, eh". Really? Without fail, every song she has will have her repeating the same lyric such as: "eh, yeah, nah, lah, baby, oh, ah." They will either be used separately or in combination with other words, but it helps fill in the 16 bars needed to create a "song". Think about it...I'm not lying...

8. Beez In The Trap- Nicki Minaj
I liked this song for about 5 seconds and then I realized this was Nicki Minaj. Here is my issue with this song. This album we got Nicki singing badly on Starships talking about her endorsements and how much money she has or being turned on with David Guetta, now she is in the trap and hustling. Which is it? Fraudulence is what it is.

7. Round of Applause- Waka Flocka Flame, Drake
What am I cheering for? Oh, when the song goes off? I thought Waka was doing the world and music a favor by retiring. But it seems like he wants to continue to terrorize the world with terrible rap with the most overrated rapper in the game. I mean they just say "Bust it" over and over in the chorus. If God truly were merciful, he would bust my speakers or my eardrums to spare me from the odious sounds coming from my radio.

6. Roman Holiday- Nick Minaj
The song that proves that Nicki has truly lost her mind. Rambling incoherently in different voices isn't rapping,  it's symptoms of a mental disorder. She is the highest paid psychotic in history. People like her should be studied and locked up, not put on stage or called talented.

5.  Birthday Cake- Rihanna (Chris Brown)
Lazy lyrics, horrible beat, and a rip off of the song "Ass". The song is so stupid that it defies logic, just like every interview or statement she gives. First off, cake means ass, right? So she is saying that the guy wants her cake, ok, got it. Then, he, meaning the guy wants to lick the icing off? What icing? That's a reference to his male fluids. I can tell you, that unless he is some weird freak, he won't want to lick his icing off. In order to distract us from the sheer idiocy of the lyrics we just say "cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake."

4.  Faded- Tyga
This is stupid and he sounds like any random rapper. Congratulations on rapping about absolutely nothing.

3. Sorry for Party Rocking- LMFAO
Sorry for the toilet rocking from the vomit should be the name. To enjoy this music one must be high on everything. The song sounds like a long belch set to a pathetic excuse for a beat. The concept of the video and song is a bastardized "fight for your right to party" or "we're not going to take it" minus the musical skills or the lyrical ability. Awful, just awful.

2.  Boyfriend- Justin Bieber
Corny raps, "I'll be your Buzz Lightyear, flying across the globe", "sitting by the fire eating fondue". It's very Justin Timberlake minus the cool and the cerebral. You can tell that Justin been around blacks and that kind of helped with his musical style, but in this song, it's like there is a owl shrieking in the background and that's what determined the beat. It's auto tuned to death and did I mention the rap was shockingly terrible and should never be attempted again.

1.  Stupid Hoe- Nicki Minaj
This song marks the beginning of the end of days. What happens when you mix a terrible beat made up of sound effects, a horrible voice that can only be described as the most awful thing ever?

Add in some flashy images of a synthetic ass with some of the DUMBEST, most AWFUL (and RIDICULOUSLY ironic) lyrics ever, and you have Stupid Hoe. Congratulations Nicki Minaj! You are officially worse than BrokenCYDE, Justin Bieber, Katy Perry, Rihanna, and Paris Hilton. I hope your success completely backfires!

There is absolutely nothing good about this song. Nicki Minaj's voice is this annoying helium-filled mess that makes your ears bleed, and the lyrics make no sense. This is supposed to be a diss towards Lil Kim, but no one would be able to tell without knowing that it's a diss song. At least "Boyfriend" had a catchy chorus, whereas this song is just "You a stupid hoe, you a you a stupid hoe" repeated over and over again. And don't even get me started on the awful, whooping beat. I would rather hear the owl...

Nicki Minaj is the real "stupid hoe" for writing and singing this song. Seriously it sucks.

Dishonorable mentions that sucked but just not enough to make the list...

We Found Love- Rihanna
Seriously the song has two lines, a repetitious chorus, "We Found Love in a Hopeless Place, We Found Love in a Hopeless Place." about 40 times. In between the hypnotic repetition, there is long periods of techno music with no words at all. I guess it's the "let's not and say we did", school of music.

Mercy- Kanye West, Pusha T, 2- Chainz
How I hate this song...I don't like the sampling of music from the Scarface soundtrack and most importantly I hate 2-Chainz. It's just a crap fest of suck.

No Lie- 2-Chainz, Drake
This magnum opus has the wonderful wordsmithing where 2-chainz rhymes "ass", with "ass", with "ass" again,  then throws in "bag" and tosses in "ass" to confuse us. How he got a record deal is nothing short of amazing.

2 Reasons- Trey Songz
Another song about clubbing, drinking and getting chicks from this guy. What songs does that sound like? Bottoms Up perhaps minus Tourette sometime rapper Nicki Minaj? Trey is a one trick auto tune pony. If his shirt is on, I'm not interested in anything he has to say. Well, I'm not interested in anything he has to say, I just want to look at him and he isn't allowed to think or speak. Judging by his lyrics, it seems as if a chicken has laid eggs in the space in his cranial cavity.

Pound the Alarm- Nicki Minaj
Words can't express how bad this song is. It's not as bad as Stupid Hoe but worse than Starships. It's low rent, tasteless and there is no point to the song other than partying from what I can ascertain from the lyrics. Of course she brags about her being a brand, being cool and had a weird video where she looked like a swamp monster invading a Rio parade. Let's just say Flo Rida wearing a sweater on a beach looked like he belonged better than Nicki. It's like someone stuck feathers on her feet a la Coming to America, bedazzled a bikini and gave her usual stupid blonde lacefront, (don't know which video hoe Barbie she was).

There will probably be more added to this list as the year goes on or I hear other things, we got 3 months to go and more money to be had. As the desire for money to be made goes up, the creativity suffers and musical integrity goes down. This list is the worst of the worst.

Available on Itunes
This list isn't just feces, it isn't just dog feces, but it's the exact moment when dog feces turns white.

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