Chad Ochocinco- Allergic to the Sun or Brains



Where is my dunce cap?



Yes, Chad Ochocinco, or Chad Johnson whatever he calls himself, black as tar and stupid as they come, is allergic to the sun. Have we seen him walking with umbrellas? No? Maybe he has a case of re-vitiligo and he is really white and he is turning black. Allergic to the sun...At least that's what he told the cops to get out of paying a speeding ticket. We all know that Chad is a media whore that makes Terrell Owens seem humble, who is lucky that all he has to do is run a football up and down a football field. But seriously, anyone that puts a ring on Evelyn Lozada is a certifiable short bus shorty, and should repeat Kindergarten. Maybe if he focused on his actual game on the field than acting like a complete and utter fool, he would have a championship ring...just a suggestion from a person that doesn't watch sports.

Here is our philosopher in his own words:
My life is good. It's sweet, so sweet. Roll up to my place in Plantation, Florida, and that's easy to see. Right there in the circular driveway that wraps around the fountain in my front yard you get the first taste. (Ironic that he acts like a coon with his stupid touchdown dances, sombreros, $1 ref bribe and lives in Plantation Florida...)

Wait a second, I gotta let you in the front gate first. It's a gated community and all. But once you're in and riding by my huge-ass house on an acre of land, you can see what I'm saying. Parked in front are seven sweet-ass cars. One for every day of the week. I don't like to get bored, you know? (yeah...I could see how driving a vehicle that could possibly maim or kill someone with multiple insurance and tax liabilities could be a bit dull. It's reasonable that you should switch it up, so you should have multiple deadly weapons and multiple tax, tag, lien holders. That's living the life)

There's the Rolls-Royce for chillin'. There's the Hummer. The Dodge 4 x 4 Ram pickup. Nice dubs on that. Then there's the 1971 drop-top Caprice with the rims, the nice paint job, and an interior better than the day they brought it off the assembly line. Same goes for the 1973 Impala. That's a convertible, too. Hey, man, this is Florida.

Then there's the convertible Lamborghini. It's kind of a Cincinnati Bengals orange. Man, who says I don't believe in the team? Finally, there's the Mercedes SLR McLaren. Mercedes makes 500 of those a year and it goes for a cool $500,000. (What a great way to show team spirit, your car, but not on the football field. You can take all the attention by wearing ponchos and sombreros and getting fined by your behavior, but driving in a lambo the same color is the BEST to show team spirit, second only to winning).

So that's three convertibles...and he's allergic to the sun...Those were his own words. I hope Evelyn and Chad don't have kids because that's evolution gone backwards.

Ocho tells us what his future would've been if he hadn't been blessed with the ability to run fast:

Now, I didn't like school at all. (How did I know that?) Hated it. Yeah, I'm smart (no, you aren't) and I could have done the work, but I didn't want people to know how smart I was and I couldn't sit there in all those stupid classes listening to all that boring stuff. No way. Football was my way out. I had to make it. Not that I did it the easy way. But I had to make it. (Yeah, you did it the easy way, you just said that you didn't apply yourself in school and you gambled on sports just like millions of other people. It just worked out for you.)

And if I hadn't made it in football, I would have done what I had to do. Whatever I had to do to get the things I like. At this point for me to have the nice things that I like, I wasn't good in school so that's down the drain. (So you said you were smart and would've done the work, but now you are saying that you weren't good in school. That's two different things. One implies you were simply bored and the other implies that you are simply stupid.) Therefore, I would have to resort to means of illegal activity to get the things that I like. Yeah, if that means sell drugs, I would have done that. (So the only way he would've been successful if football didn't workout is drugs. Really? Lol! He isn't smart enough to be a King pen, he would've been at Pelican in the shoe program or on an episode of Lockup Raw extended Stay).

You have two ways out in life. You can make it as an athlete or you have to hustle. (Really Chad? This is your advice to the kids...Criminal enterprise or become an athlete. That's why the jails are full of black men now.)

People think drug dealers are stupid, but they're not. Now, the ones who get caught, yeah, they're stupid. I wouldn't get caught. (Yeah you would get caught, because you are stupid enough to verbally admit your plans and write them for the entire world to see.)

Still, what I'm saying is that if football hadn't worked, I would have done illegal activities. I would have been Frank Lucas, the dude from American Gangster. That dude was real. As crazy as that s--- sounded, he was real and he made it, big-time. This is what I'm saying about guys who survive in that business and really make it: They're smart. You know how Lucas burned the mink coat in the movie? Don't be flashy, don't show off what you have. Don't attract attention. That would have been me. You have to be smart to survive in that business. You're not trying to be some street guy who gets arrested all the time. That's stupid. (Don't be flashy, yet you just talked about your big house with the fountain, your cars for every day of the week, how much your Mercedes cost...I think the verdict is in, you would've been roadkill as a drug dealer. This from the person that stole some feminine hygiene products from Target last year...yeah, a real Pablo Escobar...

 If you can't handle a speeding ticket and the best lie you can come up with is "I'm allergic to the sun", and you tweet the exchange, it's safe to say, you would be labeled a dumb ass in short order, quickly arrested, called a snitch and a bitch and never heard from again.