Evelyn and Chad Ochocinco, and The Hypocrisy of the Sanctity of Marriage

It's only been 41 Days of Magic...

And They Thought We Wouldn't Last?

The drama continued for ex- Patriot Chad Johnson yesterday as his wife of 41 days, Evelyn Lozada, filed for divorce, publicly urged him to “seek help,” and the wide receiver formerly known as Ochocinco issued a public mea culpa for his domestic violence arrest. I think that she should follow her own advice and take up a permanent residence at the nearest mental hospital if she thought that a self professed philanderer would ever remain faithful. Go ahead Ev, throw him under the bus, you are blameless and did nothing wrong.

“I would like to apologize to everyone for the recent events that have occurred,” Johnson said in a statement on his OchoCinco News Network. “I would like to wish Evelyn well and will never say anything bad about her because I truly love her to death. Other than the made up fact that she attacked you, but you won't say anything else...

“I will continue to be positive and train hard for another opportunity in the NFL,” he continued. “To all the fans and supporters I have disappointed, you have my sincerest apologies. I will stay positive and get through this tough period in my life.” You will never get another opportunity in the NFL, this was your last chance. Miami wanted to see if you could still play and if you could stop being a problem. All they needed was one, just one reason to get rid of the moron that legally changed his name to his jersey number. Trust me, douchebag, it's over. In my Chris Tucker voice, "You got to be a stupid muthaf@cka to get fired on your day off."

Let's back up...

Chad, the frog Prince Charming that every girl should run screaming from, has extreme fidelity problems, so much so that this was a plot point on Basketball Jumpoff's. Check out the video.

So, taking Ev at her word,which isn't worth much, bought condoms and left the receipt in the Maserati that they own for an alleged affair that he was just too lazy to cover up. Ev, with her volatile temper, confronted Chad and he head butted her. I just want to say, that athletes have to be the worlds dumbest cheaters. He probably charged the condoms on his credit card and left the receipt in his car. Who the hell does that? Someone that has gotten hit too many times on the football field. Groupies want these diseased penises inside them for a handbag or some spiked red bottom shoes, but at the end of the day, these guys are idiots and haven't learned the concept of "delete all".

Why Do I Love the Hoes?

Chad told authorities that Lozada head butted him...I see...Evelyn, head butted Chad? This dude in the green elf shoes? Yeah, right...no body believed that, especially the Miami Dolphins, who canceled his contract and VH1 cancelled the soon to be embarrassing Ev and Ocho show. This is the channel that aired Flavor of Love and gave spinoff's to the random whores he slept with, but they drew a line with Ev and Ocho, this somehow was a bottom for the cable channel. 

Ladies Night, Oh What a Night

 "Due to the unfortunate events over the weekend and the seriousness of the allegations, VH1 is pulling the series 'Ev and Ocho' from its schedule and has no current plans of airing it,” the cable station said in a statement.

Evelyn released her own statement via her publicist announcing her divorce:

“I am deeply disappointed that Chad has failed to take responsibility for his actions and made false accusations against me,” she goes on to say, “It is my sincere hope that he seeks the help he needs to overcome his troubles. Domestic violence is not okay and hopefully my taking a stand will help encourage other women to break their silence as well.”

Really Ev? Pot meet kettle. Says the chick that threw glass bottles, shoes, coined the term "non motherfucking factor" to provoke someone. How about the fact that you slept with a cast mates ex-husband?

I sincerely hope you aren't going to try to be the martyr here or some sort of Domestic Violence spokes woman because it won't work. You have a history of violent outbursts who will no doubt pimp the situation for cash, right now, there is a camera crew following you around. It worked for Rihanna didn't it?  But, you aren't as cute. They are friends and the situations are so similar. How much do you want to bet this will be the topic of the first episode of Basketball Jumpoff's? Can't you see Shaunie looking all concerned and shocked, but not really involved, Tammi is ready to ride out and shoot Chad, Jen will make a surprise appearance and Ev and Jen will hug. They will cry and say to each other that they are so sorry they hurt each other, mascara will run, weave will be out of place, cleavage will be shining, Ev will act as if she is about to die, but then she will act like the Godfather and start acting like she is hard or a thug and put on her sunglasses. They will mention something about being in "the circle", go out for drinks, and show clips for arguments for the next weeks episode.

I thought where you came from Ev, you handle the situation yourself and don't call the police? I mean you act like a member of the Gambino family, maybe you should be on mob wives instead of Basketball Wives. What you should've done, since you are so hard and love to fight, is wait till he went to sleep, did "something" and Chad would've either woken up in the "upper room" or the ICU. 

Evelyn is a savage beast wearing Louboutins and Herve Leger dresses and Chad Ochocinco is a stupid coon whose innate slave instinct kicked in, which allowed him to run really fast. Karma caught up with these two pit bull's in red bottoms with a strong fear of poverty. Chad did this to himself with his constant addiction for attention,(Jen said that by the way), and by picking a woman with a predisposition for violence. Bravo!

This marriage, if you want to call it that, lasted just a pathetic 41 days. That beats Kim Kardashian's laughable 72 day PR stunt. This yields the question, what is so precious about marriage that gays can't get in on? Us heterosexuals have made a mockery of it, just as Chad and Evelyn, Kim and Chris and many many many others have blatantly displayed. Marriage is no more sacred than a drunken bunny hop, unless the two people engaged in the marriage believe it's sacred. Marriage is paperwork, and legal documentation, no matter what your Bibles, politicians or pastors say. What is there to protect? The family was broken down long before the deviant fags came to pervert your children and no, the answer is not prayer in school. No one should make windows into mens souls, because that window goes both ways. Without a legal license, your pastors words are null and void. He might as well chant the latest Nicki Minaj monstrosity. 

Otherwise, we get glaring reminders like this...

Team Loser and Gold Digger

Shaunie Fires 3 Basketball Jumpoff's

And it's not the one's that need to be sent packing...Silly me, I thought Shaunie would've tried to regain her self respect and pull the plug on this modern day minstrel show with bad earrings, fake attitudes and enough weave to cover the back of all the horses at the Kentucky Derby. My prediction of the show ending and Black America could once again try and recover from ignorant whores pretending to be classy because they just so happened to open their legs to the right man with the correct amount of change is so off, she just cut the more boring or the more intelligent cast members. But that's like being the smartest whore in a room full of whores, so that's not really anything to brag about or feel particularly proud of.

Shaunie cut Kesha Nichols, Royce Reed, and Jennifer Williams from the walk of shame, returning next season. The supposed reason is that they're dead weight, but if that's the case, Suzie (the white chick), should've been cut last season because all she does is pass messages like some kind of carrier pigeon, stares blankly and then hides behinds sunglasses when drama jumps off. She's basically the Yorkie of the cast.


Royce Reed is painfully dull, in between crying about her younger tatted up boyfriend that cheats on her, dancing, "acting", being sanctimonious, crying again, and being under a gag order about her baby daddy Dwight Howard, she serves no purpose, other than being annoying. She is the goldfish of the cast, she is just there, doing nothing.


Jennifer "the magic dragon" Williams is being cut for obvious reasons, no one wants to shoot with her. All she does is piss people off, makes excuses and pretends that she doesn't remember what she said that pissed everyone off. She has that "throw a rock and hide your hand" syndrome. She also loves running her mouth and when someone hits her in it to shut it, she wants to run and file a law suit. Plus she sounds like Kermit the frog on helium and thinks she is much prettier than she really is. Someone really needs to send this dragon looking girl a mirror and seriously tell her about herself and let her know that no matter how much Roberto Cavalli and Chanel she wears, she is still a crappy person and a worse friend. Although, Evelyn and Jennifer made up, we cut Jennifer just when they get along. Can't have any positivity on the show, that would be too much like right...

Kesha, Kesha, Kesha...sweet, delicate Kesha. What happened to her and what Queen of the Damned Tammi did to her on their trip to hell, was wrong. She was bullied and how Tammi continues to blame HER is nothing short of amazing. I really wish I had whatever drugs that Tammi was taking so I could see the world the way she sees the world. It would be nice to actually believe that she was "helping" her by holding her purse for her so no one take it instead of holding it hostage just to prove a point.  Personally, I wouldn't come back and publicly humiliate myself with any of these skanks again and if I were being "let go", it would be a relief to me. I'm sure she isn't losing any sleep on this one.

Not One Wife In the Cast, Only 3 Were Wives

I cringe at the thought of who they will scrape up from the bottom of the barrel to replace these three, but I don't expect Kobe's wife, Juanita Jordan or Tiger's ex. (Yes I know Tiger plays golf, but these aren't wives and Evelyn is marrying Chad Ochocinco and he plays football, so there are no rules with this show). If you are in the mood or think you can make casting, you better snag a baller within the next few months so you can get paid and get 15 minutes of fame to act a fool and embarrass your race.

This Could Be You, Like The Airbrushed Abs?

Chad Ochocinco- Allergic to the Sun or Brains



Where is my dunce cap?



Yes, Chad Ochocinco, or Chad Johnson whatever he calls himself, black as tar and stupid as they come, is allergic to the sun. Have we seen him walking with umbrellas? No? Maybe he has a case of re-vitiligo and he is really white and he is turning black. Allergic to the sun...At least that's what he told the cops to get out of paying a speeding ticket. We all know that Chad is a media whore that makes Terrell Owens seem humble, who is lucky that all he has to do is run a football up and down a football field. But seriously, anyone that puts a ring on Evelyn Lozada is a certifiable short bus shorty, and should repeat Kindergarten. Maybe if he focused on his actual game on the field than acting like a complete and utter fool, he would have a championship ring...just a suggestion from a person that doesn't watch sports.

Here is our philosopher in his own words:
My life is good. It's sweet, so sweet. Roll up to my place in Plantation, Florida, and that's easy to see. Right there in the circular driveway that wraps around the fountain in my front yard you get the first taste. (Ironic that he acts like a coon with his stupid touchdown dances, sombreros, $1 ref bribe and lives in Plantation Florida...)

Wait a second, I gotta let you in the front gate first. It's a gated community and all. But once you're in and riding by my huge-ass house on an acre of land, you can see what I'm saying. Parked in front are seven sweet-ass cars. One for every day of the week. I don't like to get bored, you know? (yeah...I could see how driving a vehicle that could possibly maim or kill someone with multiple insurance and tax liabilities could be a bit dull. It's reasonable that you should switch it up, so you should have multiple deadly weapons and multiple tax, tag, lien holders. That's living the life)

There's the Rolls-Royce for chillin'. There's the Hummer. The Dodge 4 x 4 Ram pickup. Nice dubs on that. Then there's the 1971 drop-top Caprice with the rims, the nice paint job, and an interior better than the day they brought it off the assembly line. Same goes for the 1973 Impala. That's a convertible, too. Hey, man, this is Florida.

Then there's the convertible Lamborghini. It's kind of a Cincinnati Bengals orange. Man, who says I don't believe in the team? Finally, there's the Mercedes SLR McLaren. Mercedes makes 500 of those a year and it goes for a cool $500,000. (What a great way to show team spirit, your car, but not on the football field. You can take all the attention by wearing ponchos and sombreros and getting fined by your behavior, but driving in a lambo the same color is the BEST to show team spirit, second only to winning).

So that's three convertibles...and he's allergic to the sun...Those were his own words. I hope Evelyn and Chad don't have kids because that's evolution gone backwards.

Ocho tells us what his future would've been if he hadn't been blessed with the ability to run fast:

Now, I didn't like school at all. (How did I know that?) Hated it. Yeah, I'm smart (no, you aren't) and I could have done the work, but I didn't want people to know how smart I was and I couldn't sit there in all those stupid classes listening to all that boring stuff. No way. Football was my way out. I had to make it. Not that I did it the easy way. But I had to make it. (Yeah, you did it the easy way, you just said that you didn't apply yourself in school and you gambled on sports just like millions of other people. It just worked out for you.)

And if I hadn't made it in football, I would have done what I had to do. Whatever I had to do to get the things I like. At this point for me to have the nice things that I like, I wasn't good in school so that's down the drain. (So you said you were smart and would've done the work, but now you are saying that you weren't good in school. That's two different things. One implies you were simply bored and the other implies that you are simply stupid.) Therefore, I would have to resort to means of illegal activity to get the things that I like. Yeah, if that means sell drugs, I would have done that. (So the only way he would've been successful if football didn't workout is drugs. Really? Lol! He isn't smart enough to be a King pen, he would've been at Pelican in the shoe program or on an episode of Lockup Raw extended Stay).

You have two ways out in life. You can make it as an athlete or you have to hustle. (Really Chad? This is your advice to the kids...Criminal enterprise or become an athlete. That's why the jails are full of black men now.)

People think drug dealers are stupid, but they're not. Now, the ones who get caught, yeah, they're stupid. I wouldn't get caught. (Yeah you would get caught, because you are stupid enough to verbally admit your plans and write them for the entire world to see.)

Still, what I'm saying is that if football hadn't worked, I would have done illegal activities. I would have been Frank Lucas, the dude from American Gangster. That dude was real. As crazy as that s--- sounded, he was real and he made it, big-time. This is what I'm saying about guys who survive in that business and really make it: They're smart. You know how Lucas burned the mink coat in the movie? Don't be flashy, don't show off what you have. Don't attract attention. That would have been me. You have to be smart to survive in that business. You're not trying to be some street guy who gets arrested all the time. That's stupid. (Don't be flashy, yet you just talked about your big house with the fountain, your cars for every day of the week, how much your Mercedes cost...I think the verdict is in, you would've been roadkill as a drug dealer. This from the person that stole some feminine hygiene products from Target last year...yeah, a real Pablo Escobar...

 If you can't handle a speeding ticket and the best lie you can come up with is "I'm allergic to the sun", and you tweet the exchange, it's safe to say, you would be labeled a dumb ass in short order, quickly arrested, called a snitch and a bitch and never heard from again.