Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Shannon Doherty- Bitchin Up the Airwaves

Fake Ass
“You can either be a bad girl in life, or you can become a badass. It means owning who you are and being compassionate and knowing when you’ve made a mistake and not repeating it. And, also not being afraid to kick some ass and take names.” (I love how we make up justifications for having low moral character and somehow use this as a battle cry for female empowerment).

Just when I thought reality TV could not sink any lower, I get kicked in the mammaries with ex bad girl Shannen Doherty with her new foray into TV relevance. Remember "Breaking Up with Shannen Doherty", that white trash treasure where she came in and sabotaged other peoples relationships in the same manner that she has hers...that crap only lasted one season...thankfully... Doherty, 40, will star in her own WEtv reality series about her life with her fiance, celebrity photographer Kurt Iswarienko, Entertainment Weekly reports. Speaking about Breaking Up With Shannen Doherty, where she helps lovers, friends and roommates end things, Shannen said: "A lot of it is a matter of guilt or feeling that attachment or the fear of being alone or all these sort of different emotional things that go into a breakup that sometimes it's hard for somebody."

"People will see a side of Shannen they never expected to see," says WEtv executive John Miller. Really? No one wants to see any side of her. I mean she has been in Playboy 4 times, so what part of her flabby nibblets haven't we seen?

The unscripted show will go behind-the-scenes as the actress drama queen plans her big day – from wedding planners to her wedding dress I hope it comes in wreathed in flames – and renovates her Malibu home. Yeah...I can watch Flipping Out on Bravo and Bridezilla's for that...who wants to see a has been pseudo actress who has done nothing but get botched plastic surgery and aging badly.

Perhaps she's taking a cue from former 90210 costar Tori the Hutt Spelling, who documented her wedding-planning ventures with husband Dean McDermott on Oxygen's Tori & Dean: sTORIbook Weddings. No one I know watches this show. They do have breaking up marriages in common...Not only did she break up the marriage with the dude she's marrying now, but she broke up Melissa Gilbert's marriage to her first husband. Did I mention she was jail bait age and when she was confronted by Melissa she just smirked and made a flippant comment? How did that go down on the prairie?

The still-untitled project is set to premiere in January, and the couple's big day will play out on the shows first season finale. So you basically are dooming your marriage right from the get go by televising it. Not to mention the illustrious track record you already have.

Isn't this her THIRD marriage and neither marriage lasted 12 months? This is hardly story book, or fairy tale. I'm more interested in the Kardashian wedding...J.Lo has a better track record than this skank. We are just fighting to beat Elizabeth Taylor, with none of the beauty and none of the class. She never got into bar fights, not that I can recall..Reality TV is the Washed up outlet for over the hill or talentless actors. She's 40? I thought she was 40, like 5 years ago.

Remember the Z-lister wrote a book, Shannen Doherty Bad ass: A Hard-Earned Guide to Living Life With Style and (The Right) Attitude. One can only assume that it wasn't a best seller. Here are some of her life lessons:

On being a Bad ass: “Becoming a Bad ass has given me the ability to break free of my insecurities. Becoming a Bad ass has given me the confidence to live my life in full authenticity."

Rules for stalking: "Never, never go in your own car or a car he knows well. Borrow your friends’ car and be polite and considerate and pay for the gas.” Words to live by after she was basically stalking Pearl Jam's lead singer Eddie Vedder and was called out publicly for it. LAME!

On relationships: “I wasted a lot of time in my twenties. Not that I didn’t have a great time and great loves... I won’t burden you with the details about my two relatively brief and tabloid-worthy marriages – the first to Ashley Hamilton (George and Alana Hamilton’s son), and the second to Rick Solomon (who, after we split, went on to become legendary for unleashing the Paris Hilton sex tapes on the world). Shoot for the stars, those are both winners...those 2 gems would've turned me gay.

"When it comes to Rick, I’m not going to lie and say I didn’t love him. I did love him. And he provided a lot of great things for me during our relationship, especially humor. He was great at making me laugh, and we had some good times. But, my God, they sure didn’t equal the bad times.” Humor? You better watch a comedy show, a whoring lying that makes me laugh who brings nothing to the relationship, again spells LOSER.

On Lindsay Lohan: “It’s such a horrific situation that I don’t even know what to say. I just have kind of tried to tune it out. I totally understand that it’s newsworthy, but it just seems so tragic to me. I mean, Lindsay’s dad giving a press conference at the end was just like, ‘Oh, my God.’ I’ve been acting for 29 years. My parents have never given a press conference, ever. It all seems so exploitative.” (Pot meet kettle. 29 years acting? where have you been lately? Charmed went off when? Playing bit parts on 90210 and having Beverly Hills 90210, Little House on the Prairie in Syndication does not count as acting for 29 years. Heathers, doesn't either. What are you in now? You aren't in the Harry Potter movies or the worst movie in the world, Transformer's).

We share a man in my hepatitis
Advice to Lindsay: “I think that it’s still about having faith in yourself. You’ve hit some road bumps and maybe they made you fall down and you’ve got some gravel and asphalt in your face because things are that bad. But have faith because you can get better and you can become the woman that I’m sure you want to be.” (Of course you know about that, because you have been cracked out, and boozed up, crying half naked, being felt up on a speed bump running in and out of clubs while various men went in and out of you. How can a person that shared men with Pamela Anderson and Paris Hilton give advice to another anorexic pill popping Muppet who came to fame a bit too young.

Yeah...that's real "badass", you can't label yourself a badass, the public has to and nothing you have done is bad ass. Being a cheap druggie that is 20 years past your prime isn't "bad ass". What was described above is psychotic, but not "bad ass". This is like "mall badass", a watered down fake version, that people like Rihanna use to convince people that they have personalities. I am going to wear my hair in a different style and wear a t-shirt that spells fresh with a "ph" to go against society, and get tattoos with Asian letters, so every one's knows that I don't conform." Right...

Remember when she was going to start a band called UNCLE VELVET? Thank God that crap didn't happen, it's not too late, all she needs is a lap top and auto-tune, she's already been naked. I mean she is a trailblazer. When other failed TV stars with notorious prima donna reputations have been content to limp into a string of badly-plotted, low budget erotic thrillers, Shannen Doherty did exactly the same thing. And when Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton both had car crashes, Shannen Doherty got her car meekly hit by a Ford Mustang as well.

But no Shannen Doherty, the love guru is walking her own path to help stupid people learn their inner bitch, and how to break up with whoever they're too cowardly to send a 'move ur stuff out of my house by 2nite u cheetin bitch' text message to. And Shannen Doherty knows all about breaking up with people – she's already broken up with a couple of husbands, all kinds of boyfriends and probably one or two plastic surgeons.

Yes Doherty screwed herself out of gigs on 90210 and Charmed, got arrested in 1996 and got a DUI in late 2000. In her mind she’s not like Lindsay because she plead guilty for DUI and did her community service and probation without complications. The result for her career seems to have been about the same though.  Bad ass is being yourself but not sabotaging your career. It really is shocking that she hasn't gone the route of her Ebola carrying ex husband and released a sex tape. After this fail sauce venture goes down in flames just like her acting career, and her next marriage, porn will be her next option. Why do we want to see a show about the life of people that no one cares about? Duh, losing!

Brenda Walsh said on her face day to West Beverly High, fresh faced and countrified: "Everyone hear looks like they stepped out of a music video. I don't even have the right hair." No, you don't have the right hair, wardrobe, personality, life, or career for anyone to want to watch a Z list "celebrity" plan a wedding. So good luck on number 3...I guess...

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