Sunday, January 8, 2012

Beyonce and Jay-Z Welcomes Baby, The World Still Spins

Let me grab my pillow
Beyowulf and Joe Camel have unleashed unholy hell into the world or welcomed a precious bundle of joy Saturday, depending on your point of view. Beyonce allegedly gave birth a month early, via C-Section at an undisclosed location, actually they rented an entire floor at a hospital for 1.3 Million. How is that for our hard earned dollars that we gave them to hear Jay-Z say the same wack lines he has been saying since 95 and Beyowulf screeching, seizing and plagiarizing? That was the fastest pregnancy in the world wasn't it? She just announced the grand, earth shattering news in September at the VMA's, the cesspool of music award shows. Somehow this news was the most shocking phenomenon in the world and everyone forgot everything that they learned in 5th and 6th grade about the reproductive cycle. Or maybe they thought the stork still drops by along with Peter Pan, Tinkerbell and that little pig from the Geico commercial. Either way, a pregnant female is hardly unusual or interesting, other than the fact a human is carrying a camel's offspring. Now maybe we can stop talking about the worlds FIRST pregnancy...

9 months? Stomach is smaller than announcement night

Beyonce is a known thief in the industry. She doesn't just steal songs, she steals costumes, lighting, wigs, video concepts, etc...somehow, I think this baby is stolen. She has probably been casing hospitals to see which one's have the least amount of security and then when no one is looking, put the baby in her lace front. Another scenario, is that this kid is a result of a surrogate, which is highly probable. Beyowulf's stomach gets larger or smaller depending on the day of the week, or the pillow that she stuffs up there, and we all know she gains weight if she eats one donut much less carrying a half camel half human hybrid. If they did adopt or use a surrogate, that's fine, just stop lying or insulting our intelligence. We all know that Beyonce can't count past 10 (the number of fingers she has), but we all know that a baby takes longer than 6 months to carry.

Oh well, again, it's totally irrelevant, because if she stole that kid like she does everything else in life, or borrowed someone else's womb, it doesn't change the sheer idiocy of the kids name.
Ivy Blue or Blue Ivy. We all know that Beyonce is not the sharpest knife in the drawer and must be unaware that ivy is in fact green, but why would they intentionally name a child something that sounds like a villain from Batman? Seriously, the name sounds like a poisonous bad rash that will send us all to the hospital. Blue Ivy, how cute, until she turns 6. Do celebrities ever grasp the seriousness and gravity of naming a child? Welcome to the club of insufferable names, Love, Apple, Moses, Banjo, Pilot Inspektor, Moxie Crimefrigh­ter, Peaches, Tigerlilly­,  Rumor, Denim, Rein Beau...

So we know Ivy means poison and Blue is probably a reference to Jay-Z's increasingly irrelevant Blueprint albums, so this is a crying, pooping billboard saying stay away from Blueprint's, it's all worth a crappy diaper. Now Ivy can learn just what our daughters have been taught, to shake our fake padded behinds at the camera, grind on every horny male for his pleasure and entertainment, while rapping badly about how gangster his life used to be while using every filthy expression a parent can provide. Shoot for the stars...

Twitter has been lit up and trending about the news of the first ever birth and even Rihanna took time out of her busy schedule of self promotion, weed smoking, drinking, bikini bedazzling, cruising for penis, and basking in an undeserved sense of entitlement by tweeting, "Welcome to the world princess Carter! Love Aunty Rih." How touching, what a great role model this whore will be...A goat, a camel, wolf and a cub. Someone call the zoo and tranq this entire group. You all know we are looking at the next generation of annoying child celebrities who will be thrust upon us to sing or dance like Willow and Jaden Smith. If Ivy has the acting range of Beyowulf, which is a corpulant immitation of Diana Ross and Foxy Brown, then she will be box office poison, or Ivy.

Pillow Bump
If this kid is legitimately born of or from the body of Joe Camel and Beyowulf then we must pray and hope that the kid comes out looking like the wulf and not the camel. As far as brains go, that's a toss up, there is a lot of mental dilution going on. Beyonce believes "creole" is a race, can barely hold a coherent interview and inexplicably is the face of a hair color line, while no one has seen her real hair in over a decade. All Jay-Z knows is New York, hip hop, and how to rip off Biggie and Tupac while wearing a baseball cap and pretending that he is still cool or deep. Rhyming everything with "izzo" isn't that clever unless you are comparing him to Soulja Boy.

Beyowulf will be back slanging that nappy weave enthralling millions with her leotards and corsets, shaking her padded booty while Joe Camel sits in the audience, chews on gum with those ashy lips hanging wide open and looking tragically unattractive wearing a black shirt, sunglasses and a NY baseball cap turned to the side.


Welcome to the world, little Mayling or Poison Ivy Carter, we will see you in 10 years with an auto tuned piece of pop garbage and the world will fall off it's axis...

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