Beyonce and Jay-Z Welcomes Baby, The World Still Spins

Let me grab my pillow

Beyowulf and Joe Camel have unleashed unholy hell into the world or welcomed a precious bundle of joy Saturday, depending on your point of view. Beyonce allegedly gave birth a month early, via C-Section at an undisclosed location, actually they rented an entire floor at a hospital for 1.3 Million. How is that for our hard earned dollars that we gave them to hear Jay-Z say the same wack lines he has been saying since 95 and Beyowulf screeching, seizing and plagiarizing? That was the fastest pregnancy in the world wasn't it? She just announced the grand, earth shattering news in September at the VMA's, the cesspool of music award shows. Somehow this news was the most shocking phenomenon in the world and everyone forgot everything that they learned in 5th and 6th grade about the reproductive cycle. Or maybe they thought the stork still drops by along with Peter Pan, Tinkerbell and that little pig from the Geico commercial. Either way, a pregnant female is hardly unusual or interesting, other than the fact a human is carrying a camel's offspring. Now maybe we can stop talking about the worlds FIRST pregnancy...

9 months? Stomach is smaller than announcement night

Beyonce is a known thief in the industry. She doesn't just steal songs, she steals costumes, lighting, wigs, video concepts, etc...somehow, I think this baby is stolen. She has probably been casing hospitals to see which one's have the least amount of security and then when no one is looking, put the baby in her lace front. Another scenario, is that this kid is a result of a surrogate, which is highly probable. Beyowulf's stomach gets larger or smaller depending on the day of the week, or the pillow that she stuffs up there, and we all know she gains weight if she eats one donut much less carrying a half camel half human hybrid. If they did adopt or use a surrogate, that's fine, just stop lying or insulting our intelligence. We all know that Beyonce can't count past 10 (the number of fingers she has), but we all know that a baby takes longer than 6 months to carry.


Oh well, again, it's totally irrelevant, because if she stole that kid like she does everything else in life, or borrowed someone else's womb, it doesn't change the sheer idiocy of the kids name.
Ivy Blue or Blue Ivy. We all know that Beyonce is not the sharpest knife in the drawer and must be unaware that ivy is in fact green, but why would they intentionally name a child something that sounds like a villain from Batman? Seriously, the name sounds like a poisonous bad rash that will send us all to the hospital. Blue Ivy, how cute, until she turns 6. Do celebrities ever grasp the seriousness and gravity of naming a child? Welcome to the club of insufferable names, Love, Apple, Moses, Banjo, Pilot Inspektor, Moxie Crimefrigh­ter, Peaches, Tigerlilly­,  Rumor, Denim, Rein Beau...

So we know Ivy means poison and Blue is probably a reference to Jay-Z's increasingly irrelevant Blueprint albums, so this is a crying, pooping billboard saying stay away from Blueprint's, it's all worth a crappy diaper. Now Ivy can learn just what our daughters have been taught, to shake our fake padded behinds at the camera, grind on every horny male for his pleasure and entertainment, while rapping badly about how gangster his life used to be while using every filthy expression a parent can provide. Shoot for the stars...

Twitter has been lit up and trending about the news of the first ever birth and even Rihanna took time out of her busy schedule of self promotion, weed smoking, drinking, bikini bedazzling, cruising for penis, and basking in an undeserved sense of entitlement by tweeting, "Welcome to the world princess Carter! Love Aunty Rih." How touching, what a great role model this whore will be...A goat, a camel, wolf and a cub. Someone call the zoo and tranq this entire group. You all know we are looking at the next generation of annoying child celebrities who will be thrust upon us to sing or dance like Willow and Jaden Smith. If Ivy has the acting range of Beyowulf, which is a corpulant immitation of Diana Ross and Foxy Brown, then she will be box office poison, or Ivy.

Pillow Bump

If this kid is legitimately born of or from the body of Joe Camel and Beyowulf then we must pray and hope that the kid comes out looking like the wulf and not the camel. As far as brains go, that's a toss up, there is a lot of mental dilution going on. Beyonce believes "creole" is a race, can barely hold a coherent interview and inexplicably is the face of a hair color line, while no one has seen her real hair in over a decade. All Jay-Z knows is New York, hip hop, and how to rip off Biggie and Tupac while wearing a baseball cap and pretending that he is still cool or deep. Rhyming everything with "izzo" isn't that clever unless you are comparing him to Soulja Boy.

Beyowulf will be back slanging that nappy weave enthralling millions with her leotards and corsets, shaking her padded booty while Joe Camel sits in the audience, chews on gum with those ashy lips hanging wide open and looking tragically unattractive wearing a black shirt, sunglasses and a NY baseball cap turned to the side.

Fraud

Welcome to the world, little Mayling or Poison Ivy Carter, we will see you in 10 years with an auto tuned piece of pop garbage and the world will fall off it's axis...

MTV VMA's- The Auto Tune Awards Show

The channel that hasn't played a video since Michael Jackson died, and at the annual kiddie porn/ auto tune award show has provided their list for the "artists" they deem worthy of merit or have polluted the airwaves enough further bastardizing and decimating the music industry with lackluster auto tuned "talent". The interesting thing about this list is that most of these nominees were winners last year from the same album. Were there not enough new releases within the past year without this sad recycling? This list should be thrown in a land fill or that floating trash island.

Katy Perry's infantile bootleg album that is an insult to anyone over the age of 12, was released at the end of 2009, she was laughably nominated for a Grammy, Teen Choice, VMA, Brit, and then we are back full circle to a VMA? She should be sued by the writers of American Beauty. How does walking around and showing cleavage warrant video of the year? Wearing an ice cream cone or peppermint shaped bra, while Snoop Dog lazily raps in your video warrants an award? Wearing a pink wig and sticking your butt out has now become best female video? We have set the bar mighty low... Wearing an alien head, blue face paint with Oakley product placement, lee press on nails and having flashing lights in addition to showing more cleavage warrants a best collaboration award?

Love the Way you Lie, was on Relapse and the tone deaf Loud, both released at the end of last year. This song which is sang in 12 different keys, has been played adnauseum on numerous award shows, the radio, and malls coast to coast for over 6 months on 2 albums that were released almost a year ago. Bruno Mars has a song about doing nothing but farting...Ceelo looks like King Jafee Jaffur from coming to America and the song wasn't even good, Pink Friday was a rotten turkey crapped out on thanksgiving, Wiz Khalifa isn't a new artist, he's just commercial and Kanye's jumpoff's jumpoff and a very medicated Britney is dancing in a sewer. Britney Spears - Katy Perry - Rihanna, they might as well call this the MTV Auto tune awards show - they just needed to nominate Ashlee Simpson for a Lifetime achievemen­t award and then it would be complete.

The "Video Music" awards

From a TV channel that no longer plays videos and doesn't even use the name "music" in its name now. Here are the lucky nominees:





VIDEO OF THE YEAR

Adele, "Rolling In The Deep"

Tyler, The Creator, "Yonkers"

Katy Perry, "Firework"

Bruno Mars, "Grenade"

Beastie Boys, "Make Some Noise"

BEST FEMALE VIDEO

Adele, "Rolling In The Deep"
Katy Perry, "Firework"
Beyonce, "Run The World (Girls)"
Nicki Minaj, "Super Bass"
Lady Gaga, "Born This Way"


BEST MALE VIDEO
Cee Lo Green, "F*** You"
Eminem feat. Rihanna, "Love The Way You Lie"
Bruno Mars, "Grenade"
Kanye West feat. Rihanna & Kid Cudi, "All Of The Lights"
Justin Bieber, "U Smile"

BEST HIP HOP VIDEO

Lil Wayne feat. Cory Gunz, "6’7’"
Kanye West feat. Rihanna & Kid Cudi, "All Of The Lights"
Chris Brown feat. Lil Wayne & Busta Rhymes, "Look At Me Now"
Nicki Minaj, "Super Bass"
Lupe Fiasco, "The Show Goes On"



BEST NEW ARTIST
Foster The People, "Pumped Up Kicks"
Wiz Khalifa, "Black and Yellow"
Tyler, The Creator, "Yonkers"
Big Sean feat. Chris Brown, "My Last"
Kreayshawn, "Gucci Gucci"



BEST POP VIDEO
Adele, "Rolling In The Deep"
Bruno Mars, "Grenade"
NE-YO, Nayer & Afrojack, "Give Me Everything"
Katy Perry, "Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)"
Britney Spears, "Till The World Ends"



BEST ROCK VIDEO
The Black Keys, "Howlin For You"
Foo Fighters, "Walk"
Foster The People, "Pumped Up Kicks"
Mumford & Sons, "The Cave"
Cage The Elephant, "Shake Me Down"

BEST COLLABORATION

Pitbull feat. NE-YO, Nayer & Afrojack, Give Me Everything
Chris Brown feat. Lil Wayne & Busta Rhymes, "Look At Me Now"
Rihanna & Kid Cudi, "All Of The Lights"
Katy Perry feat. Kanye West, "E.T."
Nicki Minaj feat. Drake, "Moment 4 Life"


BEST ART DIRECTION
Adele, "Rolling In The Deep"
Katy Perry, "Firework"
Lady Gaga, "Judas"
Kanye West, "Power"
Death Cab For Cutie, "You Are A Tourist"




BEST CHOREOGRAPHY
Beyonce, "Run The World (Girls)"

Britney Spears, "Till The World Ends"

Lady Gaga, "Judas"

Bruno Mars, "The Lazy Song"

LMFAO feat. Lauren Bennett & GoonRock, "Party Rock Anthem"

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY

Adele, "Rolling In The Deep"

Beyonce, "Run The World (Girls)"

Eminem feat. Rihanna, "Love The Way You Lie"

Katy Perry, "Teenage Dream"

Thirty Seconds To Mars, "Hurricane"

BEST DIRECTION
Beastie Boys, "Make Some Noise"
Katy Perry feat. Kanye West, "E.T."
Thirty Seconds To Mars, "Hurricane"
Eminem feat. Rihanna, "Love The Way You Lie"
Adele, "Rolling In The Deep"


BEST EDITING
Katy Perry feat. Kanye West, "E.T."
Thirty Seconds To Mars, "Hurricane"
Adele, "Rolling In The Deep"
Kanye West feat. Rihanna & Kid Cudi, "All Of The Lights
Manchester Orchestra, "Simple Math"

BEST SFX (SPECIAL EFFECTS)

Manchester Orchestra, "Simple Math"

Katy Perry feat. Kanye West, "E.T."

Kanye West, "Power"

Linkin Park, "Waiting For The End"

Chromeo, "Don’t Turn The Lights On"

As anyone can see, this is garbage at it's highest level, bought and paid for by the record companies and sold to the masses. Why is a song about doing nothing or weed on this list? Why are songs almost an entire year old competing with music that came out more recently? Love the Way You Lie was on both Eminem's and Rihanna's album, but this piece of seizure inducing fecal waste is being treated as if it were the greatest song ever and if it were a recent song. It's almost like MTV has OCD with the nomination process and logic be damned. Breasts are now called special effects? Who needs CGI or 3D, Hollywood is wasting millions of dollars when all we need to do is show our breasts and that's special effects.

An MTV VMA award has about as much respect as a Nickelodeo­n award. If you're willing to perform and show up, you'll either be nominated and/or awarded. In the real world, winning an MTV VMA award has about as much clout as a Lowe's credit card.

Till the World Ends nominated for best choreography, don't make me laugh. Britney was in a sewer with a body suit, basically pacing while her dancers did the dancing. All she could muster was slinging her hair, squint in the camera and do one or two dance moves. Hardly choreography...Vocally shes not better than Adele - yet has received more nomination­s, rhythmical­ly not better than Beyonce yet has received more nomination­s, even in the preteen popularity stakes, Bieber wins - yet she receives more nomination­s than any of them. Her over eager publicist has managed to make a complete mockery of this show. If this were the first of April, I would believe this were an April Fools joke. What's next for MTV, a reality trash TV award show, since that's all they play anyway. If I were Adele, I would seriously decline to attend and hand my nominations over to the MTV. Better to die in obscurity than be infamous like Paris Hilton or Katy Perry.

Britney Spears, Katy Perry, Rihanna seriously? They should all be nominated for best use of auto tune. I want to barf 360 degrees every time any of their songs come on the radio, then I change the station and the world is back to normal. Not one video worth watching a second time, outside of torture methodology or neurological testing. I raise my glass to these young women of the night, they are unique "singers" - queens of kiddie porn lite, in all fairness to them - the women do their best to give every five year old kid they meet an early entrance into puberty. Here's looking at you kids! 

No but seriously, they all need to retire.

If these people so called sold there souls to Satan to become famous, then he should at least be able to inspire better music than this...