Thursday, April 25, 2013

Open Letter to the Real Housewives of Atlanta

Dear "Rich Bitches",

PhotoThere are no words at the level of stupidity, clown makeup and boredom that accompanied this cast of fools this season, even with the addition of padded cell resident Kenya Moore and dullard Keshia or Porshia, whatever her name is. I couldn't even finish the season so what does that tell you...

The name dropping, label whoring was in full nauseating effect with plenty of weaves, tacky tights, and gay hairdressers to go around. We even saw the return of the "wig" Kim and her indentured servant Sweetie getting kicked out of her rented home. Really?! Here you are married to a pro athlete after you whored for years with Big Poppa and you get evicted from a rented home? I was truly mystified. Why didn't you sell the ring that didn't mean a thing or use the proceeds from that auto tuned piece of pop garbage song that you rode to the wheels fell off? You did get a spin off show that no one watches so how are you getting kicked out? Maybe if you quit spending $100k for stupid wigs put that on the mortgage, maybe you and the slave  wouldn't be moving into Chateau Sheree which is in imagination land.

Then we got to see Nene in different color Mumu's, and ill fitting bondage dresses with laughable platinum blonde hair. She boasts about her success being on Glee, basically a dumbed down drag show minus the entertainment, and The New Normal. Somehow, they have convinced the world that Nene is a superstar and that she pulls weight, more than the weight on her thighs. She is rumored to be getting paid $1Million an episode next season to sit down in her seat, smack her lips, roll her eyes, laugh loudly, lie about her marriage or divorce and boast about how much money she has...well now she actually has it...I guess you live that adage, "fake it till you make it."

Porsha or Keshia, the mindless wonder, is probably the dumbest member of the cast because she finds a pregnancy test in her bag, and she has to be instructed by her neanderthal husband how to take the test. Yes, she has to be told to literally pee on a stick. How can she survive being this dumb? Her husband is totally indifferent, uncaring and controlling. She complains to the girls that he is controlling and unfeeling, then turns around and defends his behavior. God watches over the fools and the babies...guess that's why she is getting a divorce.

Kandi, Ms. "I wrote no scrubs", always talks about money, but does so in a round a bout way, yet talks about how frugal she is, dildos, her finances, all of which are getting beyond old. While we are on Kandi, what's up with her wardrobe? For her to have the most money out of everyone on the cast, she dresses like she just went to rainbow or some store called razzle dazzle, threw on some shoes and just put her hair in a anorexic pony tail.  When there is a party or the reunion, Kandi reaches in the closet and pulls out the 1980's Dynasty couture that's way too tight or a weave that's just drab. Oh well Kandi, guess that's why people are bored with you and the drama with Kim and the mediocre "Tardy for the party" song, that everyone has long sense aborted from their memories. Let's mark the Kandi checklist: Bad fashion sense, check. Bad Wardrobe, check. Bad Music, Check

Cynthia tried to grow nuts this season, but she is still a boring Nene follower. The only person that she can confront really is Phaedra for a butt dial and Kenya for being psychotic. The Cynthia storyline was just a grab for people that could either do her pageant or come to her agency. Translation: Roaming the streets of Atlanta and getting anyone off of the streets to fill the room. Cynthia as usual plays both sides of the fence, catty two faced queen, and concerned adult in the room. But who are we kidding, with this group, the unborn kid in Phaedra's stomach is the adult in the room.

Speaking of Phaedra...I have never seen a lawyer, one that is so "high powered" as her, that never practices. It seems Matlock and Perry Mason clocked in more court room hours than her. She decides to make a fitness tape called "donkey booty" because she has a fat ass. No other reason. Basically, she ate and sat down and want's to somehow pass those secrets along to the rest of us. Thanks but no thanks. She hops around, does the roger rabbit, the kid and play and other non approved, traditional or professional exercises. It was truly baffling to me and if anyone contemplates buying this tape they are seriously as retarded as she is. This is the person that pretended no to know how many months she was pregnant last year just to placate her mother, all on national television.

Then we have head loon in chief, Kenya Moore. This sociopathic drag queen is still dusting that rusty Ms. USA crown from 1994 and will mention it anytime someone calls her Ms. America. She has a security detail, and threw herself on a man that didn't want her. She tried pressuring him, worrying him, bullying him arguing with him into a marriage proposal and when that failed, she tried to out crazy him and call him gay. She tried to convince us that she was with Walter for 2 years  w/out sleeping with him, even though, evidence proves otherwise. She stated that she can come out of the shower, and he won't touch her. So, I should suspend my disbelief to believe that you guys are together in a room, you are naked, he's naked and nothing happens? Right...These are her words. Any conflict Kenya has, she meets it with yelling louder with words that don't fit the conversation, singing that she is fabulous, or just runs away in a melodramatic wake of attention seeking. No only does she have to leave, but the party must come to a screeching halt while she makes her grand exit and her car is moved and every other car in the vicinity of her car must also be moved because of where she parked. All Kenya can do is stand up and twirl around like a 5 year old or snap a fan like Marie Antoinette. 5 year olds grow up and Marie Antoinette was beheaded, so somehow, those problems always get solved. 

Kenya also had a dueling workout video called "Stallion Booty", which is more traditional, better produced, and let's face it, Kenya has a better body. But who want's Kenya in their house? That's like buying a Manson collectible. 

This show is as useless as every cast member, its not even a guilty pleasure anymore. Next season, please mail a copy of a sick bag with a complimentary Readers Digest along with a bullet for setting black people back for another decade with each show.

Please and Thank you

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