Monday, June 13, 2011

The Black Eyed Peas- The E.N.D. of Credibility

Once upon a time there was a group of dancers who formed a band who called themselves The Black Eyed Peas. They entertained audiences with conscientious hip hop, descent rhymes and smooth dance moves and released two albums, fairly successful, with a couple decent hits and were once fairly respected musicians.

Then one night an evil witch visited them, promised them fame and fortune the likes of which the group had never seen. All she required was every shred of musical integrity and credibility the group had established. The group, blinded by dollar signs, accepted and then Succubus joined the group and turned their life upside down.

This group has broken down so many barriers, no longer do rappers have to use coherent or even English words in their raps. 16 bars? More like 1 bar repeated over and over and over and over...It's Auto tune generic syrupy lyrics confused millions into buying their crappy music and Fergie showed off her whorish gold digging skills. They also released great songs called "Boom Boom Pow", which is an Auto tuned disaster and "Ring-a-ling" which is about calling someone a lot but I can't tell, the "music" was drowned out by my attempt to pull out my eardrums and climb the walls away from my speakers.

For some reason, someone thought it would be a grand idea to have these talentless clowns perform at the Super Bowl, no doubt from the Big Black Breast that Janet exposed and traumatized America with. What we got was off key singing, seizure inducing lights and Fergie looking like a day glow prostitute, Will.iam clear skull cap/ new age Devo wig, Taboo (the most useless BEP), and his light brite breastplate that changes images. It literally looked like a drug trip mixed with a child's video game gone horribly wrong. They always sound like some euro trash 80's dance club disc skipping under a dirty turn table needle.

Fast forward to June 10th, these top "artists" decided to stand up fans that waited for up to 8 hours in the heat and rain just to cancel their Central Park performance, due to lightning. Lightning? Of course they couldn't play in the rain, that would ruin all of their Autotune equipment and probably melt Fergie's face.

Maybe that's a sign from God sparing people from the abomination that is BEP's. Every time they make a song they commit a sin, a mortal sin against their fans and against music. Why anyone waited 8 hours to see the tragic mess that the entire world saw at half time at the Super Bowl is the real crime. or should I say Will I Scam, actually pulled a cellphone out during a performance in order to recite his lyrics, since they are that complex and thought provoking. Repeating "do it" over and over requires deep memorization and concentration or "what you gone do wit all that breast inside that shirt". The voices of our generation if I ever heard them. Fergie probably pissed on his copy of the lyrics so he had to back up his copy on the phone.  What type of a hack do you have to be that you have to look up your own lyrics of a "song" that you wrote? Catch on fire!

I propose we submit a petition that any more albums or performances from the BEP's be declared an overt act of terrorism, punishable by death or dismemberment. Maybe the males are the four horsemen of the apocalypse and the succubus Fergie Ferg is famine, since the world is supposed to end in October of this year according to crackpot cultist Harold Camping. The robot whores from outer space are going to invade and take over the world and Camping and his minions could be right on...think about it.

Why would people subject themselves to a BEP show? Every song that I have ever heard brings a rivulet of blood to my ears. Listening to a screeching cat on crack would be more pleasurable. The only way BEP might be remotely interesting is if that hermaphrodite Fergie performs nude, but even then, no one wants to see that. They are all a bunch of ass clowns who have no shame who should never be allowed on a stage again, unless they apologize for sucking. Will I Scam can blow a cockroach's penis and those random interchangeable band mates can vomit all over Fergie's manly face on her way to get injected with her next round of silicone.

Another death knell in the musical genre...

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