Monday, July 18, 2011

Why I Support Pirated Products

Celebrities waste our money and they spend more of our money more stupidly while we struggle. To add insult to injury, they will release garbage songs that insult our intelligence, just turn on the radio, or they will reboot some 70's, 80's cartoon with an 4th rate actor/model call it a blockbuster, run it through CGI, 3D and IMAX and charge an extra $10. The result is The Last Airbender, Transformers, or worse, the Smurfs. Who in the blue hell green lit the Smurfs and set that crap in a metropolitan city? Hollywood hasn't understood that us 80's babies are the only one's that are going to relate to these movies based on 80's cartoons, other generations won't. Therefore, just like with Miami Vice, Yogi Bear, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Garfield, the Smurfs are going to piss us off. I went off on a tangent...

Here are 9 stupid celebrities justifying why we should keep money in our pockets and pay the bootleg guy instead:

9. Kim Kardashian
Our Armenian Princess of mindlessness and doing nothing is getting married on August 20th. *insert snicker* Apparently she is hiring a fleet of Maybach's (hip hop's luxury latch on car), and Roll's Royce's- two of the worlds most expensive cars to her wedding. It does help that People Magazine has paid $1million for the rights to the photos of this circus. I mean she is only going to get married once. Right?????? Not... Let's start a poll to see how long it will take for her to get back on the black pole.

8. Floyd Mayweather
Everyone knows I think athletes are stupid and are the lowest species of male...but apparently this clown has taken one too many blows to the head because he set a $100 bill on fire in a club in Atlanta. What? He can't make it rain anymore to impress the ignorant money hungry groupies so now setting money on fire is the way to go? If you want to burn money, call me, take me to Saks, let me give you the address to my finance company for my car. Floyd: here's some advice, MIKE TYSON.

9.  Victoria Beckham
I love Posh Spice and I love her style. She buys Hermes' Birkins and they cost between $9,000 to $150,000 a piece. These bags are beautiful...her collection is rumored to cost around $2 million. Her purse collection is worth more than our cars, homes, wardrobes, computer, salaries combined. You would think she would smile more...I don't think she can, a walking corpse with boobs can't smile.

6.  Nicholas Cage
He has had some problems with role choices lately. I think the last good role he was in was Face Off, everything else was booty. Remember when he married Lisa Marie Presley because he was an Elvis Fan? Nick owns a castle, an Island and he spent $276,000 for a dinosaur skull. I you have financial problems, and you buy an artifact of an extinct creature why? To remind you of your career?

5.  Beyonce
Lion King Beyowulf has a penchant for leggings, but not just any leggings. Hers are from Balenciaga and they cost $100,000. Tights...Really?! Can't she spend that money for a better weave or a better manager so she can stop stealing other people's entire performance's? Oh Well, back to Pop Eye's...

4.  Prince Azim of Brunei
This guy may be one of the guys that the GOP would be afraid of until they read his account balance then would open the so called "big tent". This young man gave Mariah Carey $6 million in jewelry, for what reason who knows. I'm sure Mimoo was all too glad to have it and she and the Prince are besties, otherwise there would be a lame song about the fall out.

3.  Bono
Patron Saint Bono with his shades of many colors, forgot his hat one day. He remembered while he was helping poor brown people in London but his hat was in Italy. Oh Noes...what to do? He spent $1700 on a plane ticket to retrieve his hat. I wouldn't spend that to retrieve my dog much less an inanimate object. How ironic, a conservationist that would waste time, jet fuel, and harm the atmosphere for a hat.

2.  Lady Gaga
The Queen of dress up, the one that calls her delusional fans monsters and herself mother monster, is afraid of ghosts. She spent more than $50,000 on an EMF ghost meter eater to keep ghosts away. I can't make this up if I wanted to. Cocaine is a hell of a drug. It's time to take a break Mother Monster, you clearly are sleep deprived.


1.  Bryan “Birdman” Williams
This is truly an embarrassment for the entire human race...this individual, I can't think of anything else to call him, owns a Maybach Exelro, price tag $8 million. A person that can't rap has an $8 million dollar car...How is that normal? Look at his photo, this isn't sexy! Reverse natural selection at it's finest. Barack Obama didn't change anything...

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