Fresh Off the Chris Brown Controversy, Battleship Set to Go Down in Flames

Swagger Jacking Toni Braxston

Human Luge and imitation Cassie decided after her fake hospitalization for the flu, that the show must go on,  for the Battleship abomination that will be coming to the theater tomorrow to assault the intellect of everyone over the age of 12 or anyone who thought Transformers was too complex. As usual Rihanna follows her typical playbook and fakes a controversy. This time it's Chris Brown and Drake calling her a whore subliminally through music. Allbeit lame music, it's still music. Wordsmith metrosexual with the red owl tattoo and perfectly manicured eyebrows, Drake's profound lyrics are below:

Fake Ass Rita Ora

“She came through, she brought food/She got f—ed, she knew wassup /She think I’m the realest out /And I say “damn, that makes two of us” /Oh that look like what’s her name /Chances are it is whats her name /Chances are, if she was acting up /Then I f–ked her once and never f—ed again /She could have a Grammy, I still treat that *ss like a nominee /Just need to know what that p—y like so one time, it’s fine with me”.  It could be Rihanna or it could some some random whore, which is still Rihanna. Chris Beat her down has a remix to the king of douche's Kanye Mouth of the South West's song "theraflu" and here he talks about an industry whore. Here are these not so nice lyrics:

"Don’t f--k with my old bitches/like a bad fur/every industry n---a done had her/trick or treat like a pumpkin/ just to smash her.” 

Rihanna was seriously offended and unfollowed Chris Beat her down and he took to twitter to defend himself, saying:  "Assumptions! I didn't say any names so if u took offense to it then its something you feel guilty about." He then unfollowed her on twitter. I'm offended that he rhymed "her" with "fur". People give Grammy's for this crap, but people like me have to work for a living...My Shih-Tzu can seriously do better than that. Of course that's better than screeching "We found love in a hopeless place" 30 times, with no other lyrics in the song. 

It does appear that he is talking about a big headed whore. Trick or treat like a pumpkin, her head does look like a malformed pumpkin or that defective character from the mask. I love how assaulting and humiliating her in front of the entire world was the past and forgivable but calling her or some chick in a song a slut was the worst thing in the world and crossed the line. Then again, we have a movie and a single to promote and Chris has an album coming out in June so this is right up Rihanna's ally. Spark up some imaginary controversy, release about 100 topless photos of herself on twitter and Facebook, go to the hospital for "exhaustion", which means she will be in rehab in about a year, then feign outrage about her lack of privacy or "haters" because she is young and she is doing "her", talk about being beaten again for the 1,000th time and how strong she is and how she has a "I don't give a eff attitude", and how she hates being single. Add to the mix the change of hair colors, to her weight loss which is probably attributed to cocaine usage and the threat of another album in the fall, we have ladies and gentlemen the Rihanna PR play by play. 

Let's be real here...no woman, no matter how how liberated this country is, can portray herself as a slut and then feign outrage when she is called a slut. A man say's he doesn't care how many men a woman sleeps with, but that's a lie when those numbers start creeping into double and triple digits. A woman can be edgy, sexy, glamorous, crazy, but not trashy. He wants a lady in the streets and freak in the sheets. Usher (gay, I know), said " be my little freak". Get that? LITTLE FREAK. Not a completely disgusting piece of trash doing stuff that serial killers do. You got a song called S&M where you talk about whips and chains excite you, and you are doing interviews about you like being beaten, again, don't get mad when you get called out for filth. You got clocked for being an industry whore, which we all knew every time we hear you "sing" or see you  on tv "dance". 

Bobby and Whitney

Chris probably got tired of having his name dragged through the mud by this foot dragger because we know every song, video and interview that Rihanna gives is a thinly veiled reference to the beat down heard round the world. So...pot meet kettle. How can she vilify this man for 3 years and basically make him a pariah in the music industry? Now when Chris just says Rihanna is breaking codes, she want to get upset or are they both using the press trying to manipulate the public to promote their shiteous upcoming projects. (Most likely)

As a side note...I'm so sick of those Battleship commercials where Ms. Cleo Rihanna sits there on her throne of shame and tells us that this movie is an "action" movie and has you on the edge of your seat. No kidding this is an action movie. Did someone have to tell you that this is action movie while you were reading the cue cards for the commercial or didn't you gleam that information from the title of the movie. Does it have you on the edge of your seat from laughter, sickness, or on the verge of leaving in fear that Rihanna will break out in song. The character she plays is a weapons specialist, that's almost as laughable as Jennifer Lopez playing a doctor in the Cell. The entire premise of the movie is ridiculous, aliens invading the earth at sea...with one lone Battleship to defend the earth to keep the Aliens at bay. Are you serious? This is almost as stupid as Independence Day, all we need is Will Smith screaming "Woo"! Plus, you have a dumbed down Michael Bay directing with the dude that played John Carter. I would rather see a movie directed by M. Night Shymalan or Uwe Boll and they share the title of Antichrist. Therefore, Prometheus is the only alien movie worth seeing and this travesty should be reserved for the bootlegger or the cable box. 

Tater Tots

If Rihanna doesn't want to be known as a slut, maybe she shouldn't wear the uniform.

Who You Callin A Whore?