Open Letter to Hollywood Movie Makers

Dear Directors, screen writers, casting directors, studio execs, 

YOU GUYS SUCK! The ticket prices or your movies should include barf bags and bullets to chew on to deal with the motion sickness or just the pure phuckery of what's on screen. When you guys sit in a room and pitch a movie and include in the storyline, aliens invading the earth that are allergic to the sun or water, isn't there a person in the room that raises their hand and simply says, "that sh&t don't make sense." Why have you people put out the worst crap that has ever been placed on celluloid and act surprised that no one saw or wanted to see the movie.



Or are you just a bunch of smoking monkeys sitting in a room with typewriters and whatever idea sticks to the wall is what you guys go with? I have given up on the notion of cogent storytelling, substance, brilliant film making, and any type of serious examination of anything since District 9, but what has been put out lately is just so much crap, hot steaming pile of crap, to sit through that I'm sure the intent of the movie is not for the moviegoer to want a quick death in comparison to watching the trash on the screen but to run out the theatre swearing to put out hits on every member of the cast and crew. Oh and if the story is lacking, "let's just wash it in 3-D", as if the mere fact that 3-D somehow makes a shitteous 2-D movie better.

Let's look at the steaming pile of fecal matter that Hollywood has been and will be sending our way. For the kids we have Brave, which is basically Pixar's version of every Disney Princess cliche' that kids will be introduced for the first time and parents will recognize from  the skeletons of Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast and the Little Mermaid.

Then we have Snow White and the Huntsman, another vehicle for Kristen Stewart to look vapid and stare blankly at the camera. So, Bella will be her only character ever? Bella has played a zombie for each movie and soon she will play a vampire? At least the vampire is somewhat alive...Plus, the notion that Kristen Stewart is in a beauty competition with Charlize Theron is ludicrous in and of itself, unless Charlize is reprising her role as serial killer Aileen Wuornos.

 Next we have box office bomb Battleship. That movie looked stupid on commercials and the premise was created based on a 80's era board game that wasn't that popular. The premise of this turd was an alien invasion with aliens with superior powers that couldn't quite kill us because the sun hurts them. Surely, someone went to middle school and learned about the solar system and if these beings wanted a planet further away from the sun, they had several others to choose from that was actually further away from the element that could harm them. But only we on this planet know about astronomy, I mean unless we are in Hollywood of course...




Magic Mike is this laughable movie starring Matt McConaughey and Channing Tatum about male strippers. So, we have an all male version of Strip Tease or Showgirls. You remember how good those movies did? I understand when you watch a brainless movie like Transformers, you need Megan Fox running in slow motion or arching her back in some short shorts with a wet t-shirt, but a movie about male strippers? If I need to see penis, I can just watch Watchmen. It's enough blue penis to last a lifetime.

Now we have a movie about a talking Teddy Bear, basically a drunk, crass Teddy Ruxpin, that is supposed to be funny, but I am sure it will be two laugh free hours. It's from the creators of Family Guy and the Cleveland Show, so you know how this is going to be.

Here is the abortion to end all abortions: Tyler Perry is again in a fat suit and busted drag along with a Successful dumbass that is forcefully introduced to more down-to-earth lifestyle, and sees the value in friendship and family rather than money. And there's probably a black lawyer in there somewhere to scream to society that black people can be successful as well. We are aware of that, Mr Perry. No need to advertise it like it's a rare phenomenon. To Tyler Perry, feces is his blank canvas and he serves it up every year.

Please stop giving us sh&t and calling it sugar! If you have $400 million dollars to waste, then come by house, I got some bills for you to pay instead of wasting it on nonsensical plot lines and sparkling vampires. Pay me,  I could save you rodeo clowns half the money by just telling you, this Johnny Depp and Tim Burton Halloween, creep thing is getting old, and it's time to stop investing. I could've told you to stop at Saw III, and that no one is interested in American Pie beyond the first two, or that TMNT are turtles that mutated from radioactive ooze and NOT aliens from another planet that happen to know Kung Fu.

You are all the worst types of people imaginable who have bored me to death and with each movie you bore me closer and closer back to death.

Sincerely,



A person whose time, money and suspension of disbelief was wasted on the laziest god awfulness that human beings could create.

My Review of Prometheus

Dateline: Scotland, 2089. While spelunking along the shores of the Isle of Skye, archaeologists Charlie Holloway (Logan Marshall-Green) and Dr. Elizabeth Shaw (Noomi Rapace) discover an ancient painting etched into the ceiling of an abandoned cave. The uncanny researchers immediately discern that the primitive picture is an invitation from aliens to visit a moon located in a remote constellation that might very well have been the birthplace of humanity. How this is one doesn't know, but I was on board in my 3-D glasses and in IMAX to see the moronic ways these characters would get themselves killed in the next few hours. 





Fast-forward a few years and we find the curious couple already en route to LV-233 on a daring expedition to find proof that people were created not by God but genetically engineered by sentient beings from another galaxy. It is unclear how unearthing such evidence will affect the faith of Dr. Shaw, a devout Christian who always wears a cross that was a gift from her late father (Patrick Shaw). 


As the spaceship Prometheus approaches its destination, Captain Janek (Idris Elba) in his chocolate glory, and his crew of sixteen are roused from a cryogenic state of hibernation by a doting, concrete blond android named David (Michael Fassbender). Upon landing, however, command of the operation is assumed by Meredith Vickers (Charlize Theron), a coldhearted, corporate executive employed by Weyland Corporation whose late CEO (Guy Pearce) underwrote the trillion-dollar mission. (As you can see these are the similarities of all Alien movies, small crews, synthetic on board, bitchy company person with a shrewd self interest of self preservation). 

The trip is just a job to the jaded Vickers who is skeptical about what she refers to as “the scribbling of dirty little savages in caves.” In fact, she orders the disembarking explorers to refrain from making any direct contact with aliens. That would actually be what smart people would do, touch nothing and come back to the ship, but of course that would be boring. I call what happens next stupid white people doing stupid white people sh&t. 

Spoiler Alert: 

The cast decide to enter this dome which turns out to be a space ship. David begins touching things which in turns causes things to turn on or react. A hologram projectile of big dudes running down a hall while one last one being decapitated by a door captures the groups attention. 2 crew members decide this is for the birds and they want to go back to the ship, but they have no idea where the ship is. The rest of the group finds a huge darkened room full of vases, sort of like the room full of eggs in all of the Alien movies. 

The vases are in a sort of stasis, until humans enter the room. Before anything can really happen, Janek informs them that they must return to the ship due to a storm. David freezes a vase, unbeknownst to the crew and brings it aboard. Shaw brings the fossilized decapitated head of the space jockey and realizes that it's human and shares the same DNA as humans. Shaw and Holloway celebrate with some horizontal mambo and Holloway drinks like a fish. David defrosts the vase and finds little swimming creatures. David decides to put the small creature in Holloway's drink, thereby infecting him with a creature attached to his eye. 

Here is the coolest killing in the movie: While the storm was hitting the two crew men that ran off to make their way back to the ship, but ended up lost, found their way in the room with all the vases. The vases were oozing this black fluid which was now all over the floor. Well, it wasn't that way before...now, there is movement on the floor...out pops a snake like creature with translucent skin. This fool starts talking to it, like it wants to be friends. The snake has flaps like a cobra and it expands those flaps like it's in full attack mode. We are still trying to be friends, while the snake's flaps make another aggressive posture and then it grabs the guys hand and wraps it self around it's arm. The other guy tries to pull the snake off, but just like all face huggers in the Alien universe, it only wraps itself around it's victim tighter so it broke the guys arm, badly. 

The second guy, got a knife and tried to cut the snake off, but it had acid for blood, and it mixed with the black fluid on the ground and completely dissolved his helmet, melting his face. The snake teleported inside the first guys helmet and went down his throat. 

The remaining crew excluding the captain and engineers went to look for the two doomed crew members when they discovered Holloway's infection. Vicker's suited up and set Holloway on fire to deny him entry back on board the ship. It's as if someone watched the original Alien...Somehow, Shaw was impregnated with a foreign body and she had a very complicated vivisection to remove the alien. When it was finally removed, it was virtually forgotten in a Vicker's private chamber on the ship. David found a sleeping space jockey/ engineer on the ship and decided that it would be best to wake him, but first, Mr. Weyland was revealed to be alive and Vicker's father. They all went back to the ship one last time, awakened the guy, he went psycho, decapitated David, killed Weyland and it was revealed that he had a storage container full of vases headed for earth. He planned on resuming his plan and Ripley, I mean Shaw decided that he had to be stopped while this engineer began to take off. Janek and the 2 other crew members decided to ram the ship and Vicker's got to an escape pod. The Engineer/ Space Jockey's ship crashed back down on the planet and since it's a semi circle, in started to spin and crushed Vickers and Shaw, but Shaw was able to get to Vicker's self sustaining escape pod. The space jockey, overly hostile, probably from having his plan foiled attacked Shaw until Shaw ran to a half opened door where her alien spawn that she gave birth to and forgot jumped him and killed him. Imagine a face hugger on super steroids, it was enormous. David, still alive told Shaw his location, with the added bonus that if she helped him he could help her get another ship and get off the planet. She wanted to go to the planet where the engineer's come from in order to ask them why they created us then wanted to kill us, very stupid...

To sort of fly in the face of "this isn't an alien sequel", the engineer's lifeless body was laying after the facehugger from hell apparently laid an egg. A creature burst from the engineers chest that resembled a xenomorph. It had a cylindrical head, exoskeleton and pharyngeal jaws just like the aliens that we all know, except it looks a bit primitive. It was probably a queen, a progenitor of the eggs in Alien. 

All in all this is a solid movie for Alien fans and may create new fans of the franchise, but make no mistake, this is a sci-fi movie, not a horror film.