Open Letter to Tyler Perry

Dear Tyler,

Bastardizing an Actual Movie...

You make black people dumber one stupid movie at a time. You are the anti Christ of Black Cinema and there isn't a spot in hell hot enough for you. If, we take all of your ridiculous movies and burn them, maybe just maybe that spot may be fitting of someone of your "stature" and you may take Rihanna's seat at Satan's right hand.

Hey Fellas...Like My BIG Gun?

 Right now, Uwe Boll, Michael Bay and M. Night Shymalan are just inching above you and that's not a good thing.  I could forgive the busted drag and the over dramatization of "Madea", the gun toting, cursing, child abuse, chain smoking aunt or grandmother that is allegedly lurking in the closet of every black family. However, I can't forgive the lack of imagination and the brainlessness of you writing the same terrible movie over and over. I can tell you the same single minded plot to every Tyler Perry movie....


A woman, a home maker who is timid, weak, pathetic and miserable, is married to a bald dark skinned lawyer, doctor, or something high profile, who is abusive and is of course cheating.

Am I The Husband or the Brother?

They have some fight, he kicks her out of the house, moves the mistress in, and she has no choice but to move in with Madea and her half deaf brother or husband that looks eerily like her.



 Madea wants to shoot the husband, but the wife is too dignified. She finds out she won't get anything in the divorce and distraught she tells Madea who just so happens to have a light skinned gardener named Ahmad or Omar who just got out of prison, but with chiseled abs standing right outside the door.


Omar isn't a typical gardener, he went to Brown, loves poetry, went to prison for white collar crime or some other petty crime, but has changed his ways. The sexual tension grows...The dark skinned husband becomes ill, the wife has to care for him and sort out her feelings. The husband finds out that the mistress stole all his money and that he was taken advantage of. Omar has fallen in love with the wife and the wife has fallen in love with Omar, but she just hasn't realized it yet.

Why Am I Here?

For some reason, they all end up in church, not seated together of course...the fat light skinned chick that's in all the plays and the movies sings some gospel song that's supposed to evoke deep spiritual emotions but it comes off as a rip off of Mahalia Jackson in Imitation of Life, (like this is an imitation movie), and the husband slowly stands from either his seat or wheelchair and stumbles to the altar. He tearfully repents of all his sins and apologizes to his wife. Omar believes that he has no chance with the wife and decides to take his bent up pick up truck and move to another other city in hearbreak.



The wife hears about this and after being cheered on by Madea to, "go get yo man", she tracks him down in a coffee shop, he picks her up, his abs flexing and they ride off in the dusty pickup truck to live happily ever after.

The Movie Going Public Keeps Dumber & Dumber

This reductive nonsensical story doesn't take 2 hours to tell. Your movies look like it took $400 to make and always has some sanctimonious message about fidelity and morality. Ironic coming from a 47 year old bachelor that everyone KNOWS is gay. Every movie feels like they were written as a result of too many red bulls, adderalls. or just watching a telenova from Univision. Not just a bad televova, but the worst telenova that has ever been written, produced, or acted. In the latest pile of b.s. Tyler gives us a cheating woman instead of a man. Clutch the pearls! What a twist! What's going on with this chick? Well it seems as if her hubby lacks ambition because he is a pharmacist, but she of course gives in to a black Mark Zuckerburg that's crazy, a drug addict and abusive. Sigh...The most laughable part of this movie is queen of the hairy hoes, Kim K, fresh off her 72 day publicity stunt marriage, whose character works for a marriage counselor. That's truly coming full circle...

Black people...stop blaming Hollywood for not producing good black movies. Tyler Perry is NOT the voice for Black America. He makes us look as idiotic as an In Living Color skit, minus the humor. You can put the blame squarely on yourselves for supporting the crap like Norbit, all the Madea movies, all Eddie Murphy movies, any movie with a black man dressing in drag or a bunch of black whores (male or female), talking about being whores, doing whorish things. It's sad when Baby Boy or Barbershop is considered a cinematic masterpiece but people have never seen Schindler's List (an actual cinematic achievement). If we stop watching the same redundant piece of crap, maybe Hollywood would stop pandering to us. What am I saying?

You Mr. Perry are the product of bad acting, low budget movies, laughable scripts and a loyal following that is too lazy to care about an actual story. Your movies are so simplistic and Madea is a one trick pony and that trick is played the hell out. Your movies are the kind of movies that I would only purchase off the bootleg guy that sells out of his car at the gas station or the hair salon, and after watching 5 minutes I would try to find the bootlegger to get a refund. The actual DVD is worth more than the movie itself or if it were free, I would still feel as if I paid too much. If most critics say your entire body of work is trash, tell me what is the common denominator? All the critics random hatred or your work being godawful? Predictable plots, if you can call them plots, the same tiring black stereotypes in every boring movie. Why can't you write a black sci-fi or horror movie? Is it because one of your abortions encompass all genre's. Sci-fi for the terrible drag, and horror for the acting, the plot and the endless sermonizing.

This Crap Stopped Being Funny When Eddie Murphy Did This  Back in the 90's

Every trailer, promotional movie poster, interview about a movie that you are producing, I convulse in disgust at the phuckery that will be released on the world.  Hollywood has officially run out of ideas. I'm your target demographic and my intelligence is insulted by watching the same substandard movie over and over, which is just an adaptation of a play that you already wrote years ago, how original... Every movie of yours should come with a warning:

This p.o.s. will burn your soul, watch at your own risk.

Open Letter to Hollywood Movie Makers

Dear Directors, screen writers, casting directors, studio execs, 

YOU GUYS SUCK! The ticket prices or your movies should include barf bags and bullets to chew on to deal with the motion sickness or just the pure phuckery of what's on screen. When you guys sit in a room and pitch a movie and include in the storyline, aliens invading the earth that are allergic to the sun or water, isn't there a person in the room that raises their hand and simply says, "that sh&t don't make sense." Why have you people put out the worst crap that has ever been placed on celluloid and act surprised that no one saw or wanted to see the movie.



Or are you just a bunch of smoking monkeys sitting in a room with typewriters and whatever idea sticks to the wall is what you guys go with? I have given up on the notion of cogent storytelling, substance, brilliant film making, and any type of serious examination of anything since District 9, but what has been put out lately is just so much crap, hot steaming pile of crap, to sit through that I'm sure the intent of the movie is not for the moviegoer to want a quick death in comparison to watching the trash on the screen but to run out the theatre swearing to put out hits on every member of the cast and crew. Oh and if the story is lacking, "let's just wash it in 3-D", as if the mere fact that 3-D somehow makes a shitteous 2-D movie better.

Let's look at the steaming pile of fecal matter that Hollywood has been and will be sending our way. For the kids we have Brave, which is basically Pixar's version of every Disney Princess cliche' that kids will be introduced for the first time and parents will recognize from  the skeletons of Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast and the Little Mermaid.

Then we have Snow White and the Huntsman, another vehicle for Kristen Stewart to look vapid and stare blankly at the camera. So, Bella will be her only character ever? Bella has played a zombie for each movie and soon she will play a vampire? At least the vampire is somewhat alive...Plus, the notion that Kristen Stewart is in a beauty competition with Charlize Theron is ludicrous in and of itself, unless Charlize is reprising her role as serial killer Aileen Wuornos.

 Next we have box office bomb Battleship. That movie looked stupid on commercials and the premise was created based on a 80's era board game that wasn't that popular. The premise of this turd was an alien invasion with aliens with superior powers that couldn't quite kill us because the sun hurts them. Surely, someone went to middle school and learned about the solar system and if these beings wanted a planet further away from the sun, they had several others to choose from that was actually further away from the element that could harm them. But only we on this planet know about astronomy, I mean unless we are in Hollywood of course...




Magic Mike is this laughable movie starring Matt McConaughey and Channing Tatum about male strippers. So, we have an all male version of Strip Tease or Showgirls. You remember how good those movies did? I understand when you watch a brainless movie like Transformers, you need Megan Fox running in slow motion or arching her back in some short shorts with a wet t-shirt, but a movie about male strippers? If I need to see penis, I can just watch Watchmen. It's enough blue penis to last a lifetime.

Now we have a movie about a talking Teddy Bear, basically a drunk, crass Teddy Ruxpin, that is supposed to be funny, but I am sure it will be two laugh free hours. It's from the creators of Family Guy and the Cleveland Show, so you know how this is going to be.

Here is the abortion to end all abortions: Tyler Perry is again in a fat suit and busted drag along with a Successful dumbass that is forcefully introduced to more down-to-earth lifestyle, and sees the value in friendship and family rather than money. And there's probably a black lawyer in there somewhere to scream to society that black people can be successful as well. We are aware of that, Mr Perry. No need to advertise it like it's a rare phenomenon. To Tyler Perry, feces is his blank canvas and he serves it up every year.

Please stop giving us sh&t and calling it sugar! If you have $400 million dollars to waste, then come by house, I got some bills for you to pay instead of wasting it on nonsensical plot lines and sparkling vampires. Pay me,  I could save you rodeo clowns half the money by just telling you, this Johnny Depp and Tim Burton Halloween, creep thing is getting old, and it's time to stop investing. I could've told you to stop at Saw III, and that no one is interested in American Pie beyond the first two, or that TMNT are turtles that mutated from radioactive ooze and NOT aliens from another planet that happen to know Kung Fu.

You are all the worst types of people imaginable who have bored me to death and with each movie you bore me closer and closer back to death.

Sincerely,



A person whose time, money and suspension of disbelief was wasted on the laziest god awfulness that human beings could create.