Open Letter to Hollywood Movie Makers

Dear Directors, screen writers, casting directors, studio execs, 

YOU GUYS SUCK! The ticket prices or your movies should include barf bags and bullets to chew on to deal with the motion sickness or just the pure phuckery of what's on screen. When you guys sit in a room and pitch a movie and include in the storyline, aliens invading the earth that are allergic to the sun or water, isn't there a person in the room that raises their hand and simply says, "that sh&t don't make sense." Why have you people put out the worst crap that has ever been placed on celluloid and act surprised that no one saw or wanted to see the movie.



Or are you just a bunch of smoking monkeys sitting in a room with typewriters and whatever idea sticks to the wall is what you guys go with? I have given up on the notion of cogent storytelling, substance, brilliant film making, and any type of serious examination of anything since District 9, but what has been put out lately is just so much crap, hot steaming pile of crap, to sit through that I'm sure the intent of the movie is not for the moviegoer to want a quick death in comparison to watching the trash on the screen but to run out the theatre swearing to put out hits on every member of the cast and crew. Oh and if the story is lacking, "let's just wash it in 3-D", as if the mere fact that 3-D somehow makes a shitteous 2-D movie better.

Let's look at the steaming pile of fecal matter that Hollywood has been and will be sending our way. For the kids we have Brave, which is basically Pixar's version of every Disney Princess cliche' that kids will be introduced for the first time and parents will recognize from  the skeletons of Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast and the Little Mermaid.

Then we have Snow White and the Huntsman, another vehicle for Kristen Stewart to look vapid and stare blankly at the camera. So, Bella will be her only character ever? Bella has played a zombie for each movie and soon she will play a vampire? At least the vampire is somewhat alive...Plus, the notion that Kristen Stewart is in a beauty competition with Charlize Theron is ludicrous in and of itself, unless Charlize is reprising her role as serial killer Aileen Wuornos.

 Next we have box office bomb Battleship. That movie looked stupid on commercials and the premise was created based on a 80's era board game that wasn't that popular. The premise of this turd was an alien invasion with aliens with superior powers that couldn't quite kill us because the sun hurts them. Surely, someone went to middle school and learned about the solar system and if these beings wanted a planet further away from the sun, they had several others to choose from that was actually further away from the element that could harm them. But only we on this planet know about astronomy, I mean unless we are in Hollywood of course...




Magic Mike is this laughable movie starring Matt McConaughey and Channing Tatum about male strippers. So, we have an all male version of Strip Tease or Showgirls. You remember how good those movies did? I understand when you watch a brainless movie like Transformers, you need Megan Fox running in slow motion or arching her back in some short shorts with a wet t-shirt, but a movie about male strippers? If I need to see penis, I can just watch Watchmen. It's enough blue penis to last a lifetime.

Now we have a movie about a talking Teddy Bear, basically a drunk, crass Teddy Ruxpin, that is supposed to be funny, but I am sure it will be two laugh free hours. It's from the creators of Family Guy and the Cleveland Show, so you know how this is going to be.

Here is the abortion to end all abortions: Tyler Perry is again in a fat suit and busted drag along with a Successful dumbass that is forcefully introduced to more down-to-earth lifestyle, and sees the value in friendship and family rather than money. And there's probably a black lawyer in there somewhere to scream to society that black people can be successful as well. We are aware of that, Mr Perry. No need to advertise it like it's a rare phenomenon. To Tyler Perry, feces is his blank canvas and he serves it up every year.

Please stop giving us sh&t and calling it sugar! If you have $400 million dollars to waste, then come by house, I got some bills for you to pay instead of wasting it on nonsensical plot lines and sparkling vampires. Pay me,  I could save you rodeo clowns half the money by just telling you, this Johnny Depp and Tim Burton Halloween, creep thing is getting old, and it's time to stop investing. I could've told you to stop at Saw III, and that no one is interested in American Pie beyond the first two, or that TMNT are turtles that mutated from radioactive ooze and NOT aliens from another planet that happen to know Kung Fu.

You are all the worst types of people imaginable who have bored me to death and with each movie you bore me closer and closer back to death.

Sincerely,



A person whose time, money and suspension of disbelief was wasted on the laziest god awfulness that human beings could create.

Planet of the Apes: Bananas Meets Mad Science

Hollywood is totally devoid of original ideas. All they seem to be able to do is reboot old movies they themselves screwed up, make crude potty "non" humor comedies, super hero movies, or piss poor attempts at converting 80's era cartoon's, video and board games into successful movies. Let's not forget the abominations that pass for romantic comedies these days and the Tyler Perry, "lord why can't I find a good man, come to Jesus", movies. My personal un favorites are the remake of the Japanese movies like the Ring, yet make them boring, shallow, with a heavy reliance on sight gags to scare you and are just painful to watch.

The movie begins with a pharmaceutical chemist named Will Rodman (James Franco) who has been testing a new anti-Alzheimer’s gene therapy on chimpanzees, who undergo astonishing cognitive enhancements as a result. Alas, just as he is selling his corporate board of directors on the need to conduct human trials, his star subject, a chimp named “Bright Eyes,” rampages violently into the boardroom and is shot dead by security. The board, needless to say, is not amused, and Will’s project is canceled. He soon discovers, though, that Bright Eyes has left behind a newborn son, whom he takes home and names Caesar.   The young chimp has inherited his mother’s augmented intelligence, and the first third or so of the movie frequently has a bit of a hokey, Bedtime for Bonzo vibe (something Sarah Palin or Bush supporters will relate to), as Will takes Caesar for a romp among Bay Area redwoods and Caesar helps Will get a date with a comely veterinarian (Freida Pinto). But ominous musical spikes suggest rougher times lie ahead and, sure enough, Caesar gradually becomes aware that he is a chimp apart, neither pet nor person. Following an altercation with a preternaturally obnoxious neighbor, he is collected by Animal Control and remitted to the custody of a corrupt keeper (Brian Cox) and his snidely sadistic sidekick (Felton). It is only a matter of time before Caesar releases himself on his own recognizance, along with a platoon of other imprisoned—and appropriately P.O.’d—primates.

To a striking degree, Rise of the Planet of the Apes is half good and half bad, and the primary dividing line is by genus. To begin with the good: Caesar and his fellow chimps, orangutans, and gorillas are marvels of motion-capture—that is, CGI based on the movements of human actors. No live animals were used in the film, at all. (Joe Letteri, who’s won multiple special-effects Oscars, most recently for Avatar, handled the translation from flesh to pixel.) Caesar himself is “played” by Andy Serkis, who owns perhaps the most peculiar niche in the film industry, having performed the same role for The Lord of the Rings’ Gollum and the 2005 version of King Kong.

Caesar is by far the most expressive character in the film: by turns playful and touching in the first, domestic act; he was a regular Julia Roberts, confused and forlorn at the outset of his captivity; and stoic and resolute as he takes fate into his own long-fingered hands. The film’s “prison” scenes, in particular, offer a cunning twist on the genre, as Caesar gradually establishes himself as the Ape Who Can Get Things Done on the Inside. Maybe he should run for president...

When Caesar and his legions ultimately liberate themselves, the ensuing action sequences are, for once, not a letdown. But it was basically shown on the trailer. Why couldn't they eat a live puppy or something, to give us something new? A scene of simians silhouetted against the nighttime sky, and another, of leaves falling on a sunny suburban street as the ape army marches through the foliage above, are among the more evocative of the summer season. We’re treated to apes bursting through windows, apes loping across rooftops and over stopped cars, apes brandishing fence-pickets as spears and hurling discus-like manhole covers. When it comes, the climactic confrontation with police on the Golden Gate Bridge is clever in conception and sharp in execution. Still, it reminds me of the Matrix freeway chase in Reloaded but with Gorillas.

Alas, the apes’ human counterparts let them down from the very start. In what is billed as the film’s lead role, Franco is nearly as listless as he was while handing out Academy Awards earlier this year. Indeed, there are stretches when his Will seems less a character than a narrative device, offering a tiresome series of expository voiceovers. As we watch Caesar display feats of extraordinary intelligence, Will explains to a tape recorder—remember, he’s a scientist!—that Caesar is extraordinarily intelligent; as Will’s dad recovers from Alzheimer’s thanks to his son’s revolutionary treatment, Will informs the tape recorder that his dad is recovering etc., etc. These explanatory interludes are so flat and unnecessary that it occasionally seems the filmmakers suspect their audience, too, is in need of gene therapy to improve memory and cognition. He is just a convincing playing a doctor as J.Lo when she played a one in the Cell. Kind of need to be smart to pull that one off...

Nor do things improve as one works through the cast. John Lithgow is perfectly reliable as the Dad With Alzheimer’s, but David Oyelowo barely achieves caricature as the Greedy Pharmaceutical Exec, and Pinto makes almost no impression at all as the Underwritten Girlfriend. As the nasty zookeep, Felton, freshly retired from a decade of playing Draco Malfoy, does little more than establish himself as Hollywood’s go-to guy for adolescent sneering. And I’m at rather a loss regarding why Cox is in the film at all.

The logic arc is odd becaus it treats the real-life ramifications of, say, owning a chimpanzee or conducting drug trials (you don’t actually move to human subjects after a successful test on a single animal) with studious contempt.

Following the climax on the Golden Gate, the movie concludes on a note that is ambiguous in virtually every respect—moral, narrative—save for advertising its desperate desire that a sequel be greenlighted. Whether or not these magnificent apes can wrest the Earth from human control will have to wait for prospective future installments. Better, perhaps, if they’d take over Hollywood instead.

All in all, this movie would get 3/5 for me, it certainly makes up for that hot steaming gorilla turd that came out in 2001. It's a mash up of Prison Break, The Matrix and Outbreak.