Saturday, June 23, 2012

Open Letter to Hollywood Movie Makers

Dear Directors, screen writers, casting directors, studio execs, 

YOU GUYS SUCK! The ticket prices or your movies should include barf bags and bullets to chew on to deal with the motion sickness or just the pure phuckery of what's on screen. When you guys sit in a room and pitch a movie and include in the storyline, aliens invading the earth that are allergic to the sun or water, isn't there a person in the room that raises their hand and simply says, "that sh&t don't make sense." Why have you people put out the worst crap that has ever been placed on celluloid and act surprised that no one saw or wanted to see the movie.

Or are you just a bunch of smoking monkeys sitting in a room with typewriters and whatever idea sticks to the wall is what you guys go with? I have given up on the notion of cogent storytelling, substance, brilliant film making, and any type of serious examination of anything since District 9, but what has been put out lately is just so much crap, hot steaming pile of crap, to sit through that I'm sure the intent of the movie is not for the moviegoer to want a quick death in comparison to watching the trash on the screen but to run out the theatre swearing to put out hits on every member of the cast and crew. Oh and if the story is lacking, "let's just wash it in 3-D", as if the mere fact that 3-D somehow makes a shitteous 2-D movie better.

Reces FecesLet's look at the steaming pile of fecal matter that Hollywood has been and will be sending our way. For the kids we have Brave, which is basically Pixar's version of every Disney Princess cliche' that kids will be introduced for the first time and parents will recognize from  the skeletons of Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast and the Little Mermaid.

Then we have Snow White and the Huntsman, another vehicle for Kristen Stewart to look vapid and stare blankly at the camera. So, Bella will be her only character ever? Bella has played a zombie for each movie and soon she will play a vampire? At least the vampire is somewhat alive...Plus, the notion that Kristen Stewart is in a beauty competition with Charlize Theron is ludicrous in and of itself, unless Charlize is reprising her role as serial killer Aileen Wuornos.

 Next we have box office bomb Battleship. That movie looked stupid on commercials and the premise was created based on a 80's era board game that wasn't that popular. The premise of this turd was an alien invasion with aliens with superior powers that couldn't quite kill us because the sun hurts them. Surely, someone went to middle school and learned about the solar system and if these beings wanted a planet further away from the sun, they had several others to choose from that was actually further away from the element that could harm them. But only we on this planet know about astronomy, I mean unless we are in Hollywood of course...

Magic Mike is this laughable movie starring Matt McConaughey and Channing Tatum about male strippers. So, we have an all male version of Strip Tease or Showgirls. You remember how good those movies did? I understand when you watch a brainless movie like Transformers, you need Megan Fox running in slow motion or arching her back in some short shorts with a wet t-shirt, but a movie about male strippers? If I need to see penis, I can just watch Watchmen. It's enough blue penis to last a lifetime.

Now we have a movie about a talking Teddy Bear, basically a drunk, crass Teddy Ruxpin, that is supposed to be funny, but I am sure it will be two laugh free hours. It's from the creators of Family Guy and the Cleveland Show, so you know how this is going to be.

Here is the abortion to end all abortions: Tyler Perry is again in a fat suit and busted drag along with a Successful dumbass that is forcefully introduced to more down-to-earth lifestyle, and sees the value in friendship and family rather than money. And there's probably a black lawyer in there somewhere to scream to society that black people can be successful as well. We are aware of that, Mr Perry. No need to advertise it like it's a rare phenomenon. To Tyler Perry, feces is his blank canvas and he serves it up every year.

Please stop giving us sh&t and calling it sugar! If you have $400 million dollars to waste, then come by house, I got some bills for you to pay instead of wasting it on nonsensical plot lines and sparkling vampires. Pay me,  I could save you rodeo clowns half the money by just telling you, this Johnny Depp and Tim Burton Halloween, creep thing is getting old, and it's time to stop investing. I could've told you to stop at Saw III, and that no one is interested in American Pie beyond the first two, or that TMNT are turtles that mutated from radioactive ooze and NOT aliens from another planet that happen to know Kung Fu.

You are all the worst types of people imaginable who have bored me to death and with each movie you bore me closer and closer back to death.


feces anatomy-automatic self destruction
A person whose time, money and suspension of disbelief was wasted on the laziest god awfulness that human beings could create.

1 comment:

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